‘Quaker Warden’
Season 8, Episode 11 - Aired February 10, 2021
As the end of Adam's time at William Penn approaches, Beverly tries to spend as much time at the school as she can. Meanwhile, Murray has trouble working with his business partner, Formica Mike (Richard Kind).
Quote from Barry
Barry: Welcome to Revenge 101, a master class in destroying your enemies.
Murray: This is already the greatest regret of my life.
Barry: All comments will be taken after the presentation.
Murray: Just get to it.
Barry: Lesson 1... get BUFF.
Bill Lewis: But that would take a lifetime of diet and exercise and a zest for life that your father clearly doesn't have.
Murray: Yeah, yeah, yeah, what he said.
Barry: No, the "B" is for "Bother."
Erica: Sure, teach what you know.
Barry: The "U" is for "Undermine." You need to spread gossip, gossip, gossip, gossip.
Bill Lewis: Is he a genius or a halfwit? I can't tell.
Barry: "F" is for "Fibbing." A gentle lie can work wonders.
Murray: Get to the last "F" so I can go back up to my chair.
Barry: And the final "F," of course, is for "F.L.O.R.F."
Bill Lewis: Sakes alive! Is that an acronym within an acronym?
Barry: Please, I don't even know what an acronym is.
Quote from Dave Kim
Dave Kim: And how can a turtleneck be too risqué? I haven't seen my own neck in years!
Quote from Beverly
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my mom was at school as much as I was. She berated our principal, terrified our teachers, and embarrassed us with endless pop-ins. But I was finally a senior, which meant our time at William Penn was winding down... or so I thought.
Adam: Welp, this is my stop. A fine day to you, madame.
Beverly: Not so fast, mister. You have to pay the full fare. Beep boopity boop. Okay, that'll be three butterfly kisses and a head sniff.
Adam: You know what? Have at it.
Beverly: What? You never let me just have my way with your neck meat.
Adam: There's only 68 more drop-offs till I'm out of this place, so I figure, why fight it anymore?
Beverly: Well, a win's a win. Now, bring that luscious noggin over to Mama. What the hell?!
Quote from Beverly
Adam: Mom, you left the car running and the door open.
Beverly: I'm not going anywhere until these ugly-ass snickerdoodles are out of my face.
Principal Ball: Whoa! Mrs. Goldberg, these are the new freshman moms. It's time to pass the torch.
Beverly: Or I take that torch and I burn this school to the ground.
Principal Ball: Beverly, Adam is a senior now, and with no other offspring at William Penn, that means, hallelujah, your time is up.
Beverly: Fine, these frumpy cows can handle the bake sale. I'll just, uh, organize the blood drive again.
Principal Ball: Well, we're going with licensed nurses this year. I never want to have to write the words "missing blood" on an insurance form again.
Beverly: Then I'll grab a yellow vest and be the crossing guard.
Principal Ball: I fear that the parents and faculty would be too tempted to run you over.
Adam: And don't forget all the kids who can drive.
Quote from Beverly
Beverly: Then what about librarian?
Principal Ball: Nope.
Beverly: Security guard?
Principal Ball: Nuh-unh.
Beverly: Lunch lady?
Principal Ball: We have Doris.
Beverly: Brunch lady?
Principal Ball: Not a thing.
Beverly: Janitor?
Principal Ball: Also Doris.
Quote from Beverly
Beverly: Oh, I know, I'll be a substitute teacher again.
Principal Ball: I'm sorry, but all of our teaching positions have been filled! Ha-ha! Boom shakalaka-laka! Boom shaka...
Mrs. Ferguson: Principal Ball? It's happening. I'm having my baby.
Principal Ball: No. No! No, no! This is terrible timing, Mrs. Ferguson! No!
Beverly: When do I start?
Principal Ball: Damn it, I prematurely boom shakalaka'd.
Beverly: Yay! You want me! You really want me!
Adam: No! Don't let her in the building, man!
Quote from Beverly
Adult Adam: [v.o.] While our dad was being conquered, my senior year was about to be invaded by another hostile force.
Beverly: Good morning, class. My name is Mrs. Goldberg. And while Mrs. Ferguson is at home nursing her new baby... and I saw a picture, he's a chunker... you all will be nursing at my bosom of knowledge.
Brian: You have Corbett's attention!
Beverly: Great. So, where did Mrs. Ferguson leave off?
Dave Kim: We were watching the last 20 minutes of Splash.
Beverly: Why would she show you a mermaid movie?
Adam: Mom, it's senior year. Nothing we do affects getting into college anymore. It's classic senioritis.
Beverly: Senioritis? I want to infect you with a new disease called learn-a-rhea.
JC Spink: Learn-a-rhea? My brother got that on spring break. It was no bueno.
Sydney: And senioritis is a high school tradition, just like Senior Skip Day this Tuesday.
Beverly: Senior Skip Day? Oh, hell, no!
Quote from Beverly
Mr. Woodburn: No way, José. This lounge is for teachers only.
Beverly: I am a teacher, but the time for lounging is no more. Mrs. Ferguson has been showing Splash!
Mr. Woodburn: That is unacceptable.
Beverly: I know!
Mr. Woodburn: I was gonna show Splash.
Beverly: What's that, now?
Mr. Woodburn: I guess I could go with Road House.
Ms. Rodriguez: Unh-unh, I called Road House. I teach Spanish, and there's nothing more caliente than a shirtless Patrick Swayze.
Mr. Woodburn: Well, I teach chemistry, and what Swayze and Kelly Lynch have can't be found in any textbook.
Quote from Bill Lewis
Bill Lewis: Hey, Mur! Dolores sent me to borrow your blender. She's making melon soup. 'Cause who don't want cold fruit stew?
Quote from Erica
Bill Lewis: Whoa. What's wrong with your dad?
Erica: I know. Look at him. I've never seen him not sit in his chair before.
Geoff: And he didn't take his pants off.
Bill Lewis: I don't like this one bit. Hey, Mur-man, wanna pop on the game?
Murray: The kids can watch what they want.
Erica: Did aliens snatch his body? I mean, there's so many other bodies to choose from, it makes no sense.