Geoff: Isn't this great? Our first holiday with my family.
Erica: Yeah, I was kinda nervous because I always thought your family was so normal and perfect.
Geoff: Totally. Wait. What are you talking about? They are perfect.
Erica: Come on. Jojobean? Your parents totally favor her.
Geoff: That's not true.
Erica: They gave you grief for being five minutes late, but she just waltzes in whenever. Plus, there's two of us, and we're in the crappy room.
Geoff: Um, I think you mean the crafty room. And it's the best. Cheggit. This bolt of black latex. What is my mom intending to do with this?

Erica: All I'm saying is you don't deserve to be treated like second-fiddle.
Geoff: In this house, we have a saying... Choose to be happy, choose to be kind, positivity is in your mind.
Erica: No one says that.
Geoff: Um, I believe this pillow begs to differ.
Erica: Yikes.
Geoff: Not yikes! The opposite of yikes. Yum.
Erica: Yeah, well, your family's bad at opposites, too.
Geoff: We're great at opposites and everything else. Black, white. Up, down. Schwartzes, Goldbergs.

Erica: Okay. It's like that? Well, I was just trying to be supportive, but I don't have to.
Geoff: Great. 'Cause I don't need that kind of support.
Erica: Fine. Then I'll just curl up in this heavy damask curtain and not comment on how messed up it is that they love her more than you.
Geoff: We're a happy family.
Erica: Oh, I know, and I am thrilled to be here.
Geoff: Love you so much.
Erica: Love you more!
Geoff: Pleasant dreams, sugarplum.
Erica: I will be right here when you wake up, my darling.

Bingo Caller: Good news from the cancer doctor. Your tumor is B-9.
Beverly: Murray, wake up! You won Bingo!
Murray: [wakes up] Bingo! [laughs] Oh, wow! Wow!
Pop-Pop: Attaboy! That's my son!
Beverly: Ben, I can't thank you enough. This cut-rate maritime bus ride has been the best Hanukkah gift ever. Murray's having the time of his life!
Pop-Pop: Well, I'm glad to hear that. I need him in a good mood.
Beverly: Right? 'Cause what dad doesn't want his son to be happy?
Pop-Pop: Yeah.
Beverly: Oh, no. Please don't tell me this generous gift is just a facade for some other, cynical agenda.
Pop-Pop: Of course not! I do need a little loan, though.
Beverly: [sighs] How little?
Pop-Pop: Few grand. Plus the cost of this trip.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Erica was staying out of it, but my mom was diving in. She had to tell my dad the real reason Pop-Pop took us on the cruise.
Beverly: Murray, we need to talk.
Murray: [voice breaking] Give me a sec.
Beverly: Oh! Your father told you?
Murray: Yeah. He wants to play shuffleboard with me.
Beverly: What's that, now?
Murray: When I was a little boy, he never played catch with me. Now I'm getting the father I always wanted.
Pop-Pop: You wanna warm up, champ?
Murray: "Champ"! You hear that? Because I'm his champion. I am now going to practice and make him proud.
Pop-Pop: So, Blondie, when's the best time for me to ask the big guy for the dough?
Beverly: Never. I'll give you your damn money, but Murray can never find out. We take this to our graves.
Pop-Pop: Ooh! Fancy pants over here has grave money. Looks like I came to the right people. Okay, let's shuffle.

Geoff: Don't you blame her for this. Erica's the only one who supports me. In fact, we're leaving.
Erica: I've had a lovely time. Thank you for the fish and music.

Adam: Hey, Jenny My Cruise Director, I'm in for that club.
Barry: Jenny My Cruise Director? He has a girlfriend.
Jenny: Bring her. We're gonna play games, and we even have Kool-Aid.
Barry: She's kinky and she likes fruit punch! Life's unfair!
Adam: It's a club for children, isn't it?
Jenny: That's right, little sailor!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out, I wasn't the only sailor hitting rough seas.
Pop-Pop: Aw, come on! That was a gimme!
Beverly: True enough, but let's just stay focused on the special father-son memory.
Pop-Pop: I don't need another memory of my idiot son buckling under pressure.
Beverly: Let's not forget what this trip is all about.
Pop-Pop: No, no, no. Loan or not, I'll call a moron a moron when he's a moron.
Murray: Loan?
Beverly: Ben's just loaning me his, uh, shuffleboard thingy. See? Look what I'm doing.
Pop-Pop: [chuckles] Nice cover-up, Nixon. Your wife gave me the cash I needed so you wouldn't get ferkakta about the trip.
Beverly: Damn it, Ben! You said you'd take that to the grave!
Pop-Pop: Well, I'm old, so I took it near the grave.
Murray: You just wanted money from me. Unbelievable.

Beverly: Stop it. You are not getting off this boat because of your dad.
Murray: It's not just 'cause of my dad. There are other reasons. Were you ever gonna tell me?
Beverly: Of course. But you two looked so happy and you were getting along. What was I supposed to do?
Murray: Stop trying to push us together. Because then you give me the worst gift of all... hope.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my dad was lost at sea, Geoff and Erica found themselves alone at home.
Erica: Well, Hanukkah dinner's not looking good.
Geoff: Oh, God, what have I done?
Erica: You stood up for yourself.
Geoff: I know. But I went too far.
Erica: Maybe. But take it from a crazy Goldberg. It's gonna be okay.