Bill Lewis: Hey, buddy. Got you a new burger flipper. I noticed your old spatula was a little worse for wear.
Murray: Look at you. Always so damn nice, huh? Well, I'm sick of it.
Bill Lewis: Lashing out because The Eagles lost?
Murray: And I'm sick of your face.
Bill Lewis: I'll just leave this and go.
Murray: I will kill you with this spatula, you thoughtful, thoughtful man!

Murray: What happened the first Sunday after we got married, when you insisted on watching the game with me?
Beverly: They lost by six stupid touchdowns. Just come and get your nachos.
Barry: Mom, you know the rules. Once the game starts, we can't move from our spot. Now truck it over on the animal.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] This '80s toy monster truck was their typical lifeline, mostly due to its retractable claws for stability.
Beverly: The claws did nothing.
Barry: Stay back! Don't clean it up.
Beverly: There's hot cheese on my rug!
Murray: That's its home now! She jinxed us. Do your idiot dance.

Adam: Pops, I have amazing news! You're gonna be my partner on "Double Dare"!
Pops: That's the best news I've heard all day. Also, what's "Double Dare"?
Adam: Only the country's hottest game show. You love game shows, right?
Pops: You bet. That Vanna White sure can turn a letter. Ha ha!
Adam: Don't say any of that at our audition. In fact, leave all the talking to me.

Murray: A man needs time away from his wife, and for me, football is that time.
Barry: So, what? You're just gonna tell her to go away? You know Mom. It'll crush her.
Murray: Don't worry. I'll be sensitive. [to Beverly] Hey, honey. Would you put that down and get out?
Beverly: What?!
Murray: Listen, it's not that I don't love spending every moment with you, but you don't understand football, and it's distracting.
Beverly: Well, that sounds like an excuse.
Murray: Okay, imagine if I go to your scrapbook club and every few seconds, I interrupt you with a question about what glitter I should use.
Beverly: Well, that would be ridiculous because there's opaque, translucent, chunky, micro-fine, spray-on, brush-on squeeze-on- Oh. I get it. I'll go.
Murray: That means a lot, Bevy. [to Barry] And that's how you do marriage.

Erica: My god. I can't take this anymore. Look, there is only one way to teach Mom anything, put it in terms she understands. Okay, this is a football, but I want you to imagine it's actually me as a baby.
Beverly: Aww! Ooh!
Erica: Now, your job is to protect that baby at all costs.

Beverly: Who are they?
Geoff: Hi, Erica! You called, and I came right away. Isn't that nice of me?

Erica: As you can see, they're the enemy.
Bill Lewis: We call them the defensive line. Their job is to stop you.
Erica: Translation: they're a band of evil college recruiters, wanting to take your precious little girl away to an out-of-state university.
Beverly: But that's too far. How will I see you every day?

Pops: I can't find the damn flag.
Adam: Look under the pad of butter! They always hide it under the pad of butter!
Pops: Aw, there's no flag here!

Pops: This is my good tracksuit! Why am I here? Oh, no, no! This is not a game show!
Adam: Faster! Po-
Pops: I'm not a hamster! I'm a human man! That did not go well.

Beverly: Watch next play, they're gonna throw the long ball.
Murray: That's nuts. It's third and short. They're gonna go up the middle.
Beverly: No. They're expecting the rush.
Murray: Gah! Stop saying things with sports-fueled knowledge!
Barry: Let's all just not talk until The Eagles win, okay?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately for my dad, they really were expecting the rush.
Beverly: Boom! Ha ha! Who called it? Mama bird that's who! Face!