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22Quotes from ‘Baio and Switch’

The Goldbergs: Baio and Switch

312. Baio and Switch

Aired January 13, 2016

Beverly decides to volunteer for Hands Across America in an attempt to get closer with Barry and Erica. She gets them to spoil her with affection after she promises an appearance from Scott Baio, but the plan fails. Meanwhile, Adam gets himself into a sticky situation when he promises to take his best friend and his girlfriend, Dana, to the school dance.

Quote from Barry

Barry: You will live with me forever. I will build a master suit off the bedroom, even if it severely damages my marriage.
Erica: I'm out. Too rich for my blood.
Barry: Yes, I win! Oh, no. What have I done? Future Barry's problem.

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Quote from Barry

Barry: I'm so nervous for Baio. My hands are super sweaty but soft. I've been moisturizing all day.

Quote from Barry

Beverly: Hold up. Now that I'm involved you're just going to bail?
Barry: Nothing personal. You just make fun things suck.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: I'm in way over my head. They want me to organize, make posters. They gave me a pen and a ledger. I don't know what to do with them.
Beverly: To record the donations.
Coach Mellor: Oh, no. I've been putting everybody's cash in a bag.
Beverly: Well, there must be thousands there.
Coach Mellor: I don't know. I'm a gym teacher, not a count teacher.
Beverly: You mean a math teacher?
Coach Mellor: I don't know. I'm not an English teacher either.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Stop. No one's Brady Bunching anybody. You want some real advice? Don't be a moron.
Adam: Seriously? That's your advice for everything.
Murray: It applies to everything.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: We need to spread the word about Hands Across America.
Beverly: Yeah, I don't know about that whole thing. Hands have germs. Think about all those colds passing across the country like a big bacteria highway. Eugh.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Yes, we get it. You're the socially aware girl. No reason to showboat about it, other Goldberg.
Erica: I'll stop talking.

Quote from Barry

Erica: I'm doing it because it'll help people in real need.
Barry: And I'm doing it for the celebrity contact. I'm hoping to hands with Heather Locklear. No, Alyssa MIlano. No, KITT, the car from Knight Rider.
Erica: You can't hold hands with a car, idiot.
Barry: I'll hold the antenna.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I want to help with Hands Across America.
Coach Mellor: Okay.
Beverly: And by help, I mean push you aside and take over entirely.
Coach Mellor: I said okay.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: No, not so fast. I've been thinking about it and I'm going to let you dance with me before I dance with my bride at my wedding.
Beverly: That is also my dream, but I also get to wear white. That's non-negotiable.

Quote from Beverly

Ben Franklin: I shall hold your hand.
Beverly: Oh, [beep] off, Ben Franklin.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Hands Across America, it's happening this weekend and you will not make Coach look bad. All right, listen up. This limited edition, government-issued visor means that I have personally been appointed regional captain because I volunteered. It is my duty to make sure everybody in this town forms a human chain to stop the homeless. Questions?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I'd give anything to have just one photo of me and my babies looking that happy on the front page of the paper.
Virginia: Well, Barry did make the paper for that time he got into a fight with a service horse.
Beverly: He really thought it was his apple.
Virginia: Horses are tricky.

Quote from Erica

Beverly: Oh my God, are you two crafting together, by choice?
Erica: No, no, no. Calm down. We're not crafting, we're just making art with construction papers, markers and glitter for a display.
Beverly: That's crafting!
Erica: Fine, we're crafting.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Beverly: Did you get us a celebrity?
Coach Mellor: No. We can't compete with Philly. Philly is the Paris of Pennsylvania. They got Baio, we got jack squat.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Then take them both. They never even have to know.
Adam: Like Peter did on the Brady Bunch?
Pops: I Brady Bunched two ladies at a U.S.O. dance back in '41. Never felt so alive!

Quote from Erica

Erica: Stop doing what you're doing.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Mommy, I want you to pick out a guy for me to date and marry?
Beverly: That is my dream.

Quote from Erica

Erica: I'm going to have five kids and I want you to baby-sit every night and tell me what to do.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Beverly: Come on, you must have one celebrity lead.
Coach Mellor: No, I'm a gym teacher. I rotate two pairs of shorts.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Smile, smile. Teeth, teeth.
Adam: I'd like to, but they're crushing my bones with their strong lady hands.
Dave Kim: Mine, too. I'm just a pawn.

Quote from Murray

Murray: You know what I think?
Adam: Yes, I'm a moron. I get it.
Murray: No, I don't think you do. When I say don't be a moron, it really means something.
Adam: You mean beyond just being rude and insulting?
Murray: Yeah, that's just part of it. But, it's my way of saying be honest, be a good person. It's how I live my life. And you know what, it works.


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