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39Quotes from ‘Double Dare’

The Goldbergs: Double Dare

313. Double Dare

Aired January 20, 2016

Adam and Emmy are excited when their favorite TV game show "Double Dare" hosts auditions at their school, but their friendship hits the rocks when they both choose other partners. Meanwhile, superstitious Barry believes Beverly is a good luck charm for the Eagles, but Murray wants to keep football as his alone time.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: Bro, you don't have a prayer.
Adam: Shut up, Dave Kim. This face was made for TV.
Dave Kim: But that voice, youch. You two can't compete with Handsome Ben.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He was right. We all had one growing up, the vicious rival who always won.
Dave Kim: Who always beats you out for class president?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: And who always gets the lead in the musical?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: Who was first in line to see "Temple of Doom"?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: You had to sit in the second row, like a chump.

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Quote from Adam

Adam: Ow! You punched me in the heart!
Emmy Mirsky: You're picking your grandfather over me? Seriously?
Adam: You know it's been my dream to go on "Double Dare." It's selfish of you not to support that.
Emmy Mirsky: How am I the weak link? You got flat feet and a lazy eye. That "Double Dare" human-hamster wheel will eat you alive.
Adam: I had no choice. This is the only way I can beat my lifelong rival, Handsome Ben.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Are the players married to the cheerleaders? Do you think their families are mad 'cause they work on Sundays? Ugh! Look at those grass stains. Who washes those pants?! Aren't we all patriots? Oh ho! Look at that big, snuggly pileup. Why does the throwy guy keep putting his hands in the other guy's butt? I have a better name for a team, The Yankee Doodles.

Quote from Murray

Murray: You know what? Who wants bagel bites? 'Cause I'm gonna put some in the oven. What do I set it at 2,000?
Beverly: No, Murray, you know the rule. Don't touch any knobs in the kitchen.

Quote from Beverly

Bill Lewis: Let's start with the basics. This is the quarterback. These are the linemen, receivers, running back.
Beverly: Question: What do all those words mean?
Bill Lewis: Simplifying, there's offense and defense.
Beverly: Question: Are those things I should already know?
Bill Lewis: Simplifying, this is a football.
Beverly: Question: Is the plural of "football" "feetball"?
Bill Lewis: Ohh! God!

Quote from Pops

Pops: What kind of a fakakte game show is this? I thought it was just trivia.
Adam: Oh, it is and some physical challenges.
Pops: It looks slimy and unsafe.
Adam: You're Pops! You can do anything!
Pops: What the [bleep] is that thing?
Adam: You play tennis and date twins and drink Martinis when the sun's out.
Pops: Yes, I do sample from the salad bar of life.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: Well, looks like you're gonna need a new partner.
Handsome Ben: For sure. Hey, Amy, be my partner?
Amy: Definitely. You're handsome.
Dave Kim: Dave Kim always a bridesmaid.

Quote from Erica

Murray: You're a, uh, lady person. How do I un-hurt them?
Erica: Hello? Mom took an interest in something you love. Just show her that you can do the same thing.
Murray: What like yakking on the phone, shopping, or pushing the hot thing over the clothes?
Erica: Ironing? No, those are chores. I'm talking about stuff that makes her happy, like jazzercise.
Murray: That dancy thing where she puts on the stretchy clothes and rolls around on the ground like a drunk toddler?
Erica: Good point. You should focus on something more your speed. And by "speed," I mean no speed.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Son of a bitch! This can't be done! No one can do it!
Erica: What exactly are you doing?
Murray: Scrapbooking. Your mother's favorite hobby. But it's a nightmare! Stupid glue. Everything I touch sticks to me.
Erica: Just calm down, okay? I'm sure what you made is fine. Holy crap! What is that?
Murray: Our sweet memories.
Erica: Why did you cut out the letters? It looks like a ransom note.
Murray: You know I'm not good at penmanship!
Erica: Why'd you put "look"? What am I supposed to look at, his red demon eyes?
Murray: I was trying to make them sparkle with glitter, but no one tells you how complicated glitter is.
Erica: It looks like something a 10-year-old serial killer would make.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Idiots! The flag is under the giant pad of butter! Always look under the butter.
Emmy Mirsky: If we ever get on this show, imagine all the prizes we'd win.
Adam: We'd be strutting around in our brand-new British knights, jammin' out to our Panasonic portable sound system, as we chow down on a year's supply of Cchef Boyardee.
Emmy Mirsky: It's all our dreams wrapped into one.

Quote from Murray

Bill Lewis: Hey, buddy. Got you a new burger flipper. I noticed your old spatula was a little worse for wear.
Murray: Look at you. Always so damn nice, huh? Well, I'm sick of it.
Bill Lewis: Lashing out because The Eagles lost?
Murray: And I'm sick of your face.
Bill Lewis: I'll just leave this and go.
Murray: I will kill you with this spatula, you thoughtful, thoughtful man!

Quote from Murray

Murray: What happened the first Sunday after we got married, when you insisted on watching the game with me?
Beverly: They lost by six stupid touchdowns. Just come and get your nachos.
Barry: Mom, you know the rules. Once the game starts, we can't move from our spot. Now truck it over on the animal.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] This '80s toy monster truck was their typical lifeline, mostly due to its retractable claws for stability.
Beverly: The claws did nothing.
Barry: Stay back! Don't clean it up.
Beverly: There's hot cheese on my rug!
Murray: That's its home now! She jinxed us. Do your idiot dance.

Quote from Pops

Adam: Pops, I have amazing news! You're gonna be my partner on "Double Dare"!
Pops: That's the best news I've heard all day. Also, what's "Double Dare"?
Adam: Only the country's hottest game show. You love game shows, right?
Pops: You bet. That Vanna White sure can turn a letter. Ha ha!
Adam: Don't say any of that at our audition. In fact, leave all the talking to me.

Quote from Murray

Murray: A man needs time away from his wife, and for me, football is that time.
Barry: So, what? You're just gonna tell her to go away? You know Mom. It'll crush her.
Murray: Don't worry. I'll be sensitive. [to Beverly] Hey, honey. Would you put that down and get out?
Beverly: What?!
Murray: Listen, it's not that I don't love spending every moment with you, but you don't understand football, and it's distracting.
Beverly: Well, that sounds like an excuse.
Murray: Okay, imagine if I go to your scrapbook club and every few seconds, I interrupt you with a question about what glitter I should use.
Beverly: Well, that would be ridiculous because there's opaque, translucent, chunky, micro-fine, spray-on, brush-on squeeze-on- Oh. I get it. I'll go.
Murray: That means a lot, Bevy. [to Barry] And that's how you do marriage.

Quote from Erica

Erica: My god. I can't take this anymore. Look, there is only one way to teach Mom anything, put it in terms she understands. Okay, this is a football, but I want you to imagine it's actually me as a baby.
Beverly: Aww! Ooh!
Erica: Now, your job is to protect that baby at all costs.

Quote from Geoff

Beverly: Who are they?
Geoff: Hi, Erica! You called, and I came right away. Isn't that nice of me?

Quote from Beverly

Erica: As you can see, they're the enemy.
Bill Lewis: We call them the defensive line. Their job is to stop you.
Erica: Translation: they're a band of evil college recruiters, wanting to take your precious little girl away to an out-of-state university.
Beverly: But that's too far. How will I see you every day?

Quote from Adam

Pops: I can't find the damn flag.
Adam: Look under the pad of butter! They always hide it under the pad of butter!
Pops: Aw, there's no flag here!

Quote from Pops

Pops: This is my good tracksuit! Why am I here? Oh, no, no! This is not a game show!
Adam: Faster! Po-
Pops: I'm not a hamster! I'm a human man! That did not go well.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Watch next play, they're gonna throw the long ball.
Murray: That's nuts. It's third and short. They're gonna go up the middle.
Beverly: No. They're expecting the rush.
Murray: Gah! Stop saying things with sports-fueled knowledge!
Barry: Let's all just not talk until The Eagles win, okay?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately for my dad, they really were expecting the rush.
Beverly: Boom! Ha ha! Who called it? Mama bird that's who! Face!

Quote from Murray

Murray: Time to cook the steak-umms! Hope I don't make a mess!
Erica: Why are you narrating your kitchen experience?
Murray: I'm trying to lure your mother downstairs. I don't know what's wrong. This always works.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Let me break this down for you in terms you understand. Imagine this page is the football field and this baby picture the quarterback.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: All right, listen up. I just found out who got picked for the game show that left all sorts of stains on my gym floor.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You made a scrapbook for me?
Murray: Pretty good, huh?
Beverly: No. It's a train wreck. You glittered where you should've laced, and you laced where you should've stenciled.
Murray: It's all so complicated!
Beverly: Doesn't matter. I love it.


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