Beverly: Murray, turn off your best friend! We got a problem!
Murray: Is that the electric bill? Because I told those kids, "Hey, you don't open that refrigerator until you know what you want!"
Beverly: It's Adam and Brea's love letters. They're discussing marriage!
Murray: They've only known each other like a week.
Beverly: They've been dating for over a year. She came to Miami with us.
Murray: Ah! I know who you're talking about. Big girl, like feet, blonde hair, pounds, big wine-stain birthmark on her face.
Beverly: No! And who is that?

Beverly: I'm worried about Adam.
Murray: My point is, young couples say all sorts of dumb stuff.
Beverly: Well, what if this isn't just stuff? This girl could be our future daughter-in-law. We barely know her.
Murray: We know her... big girl with the Gorbachev thing on her face.
Beverly: That's very specific. Who are you thinking of?
Murray: I don't know. But why are we on the hook for all this? Call up her parents and let them destroy young hearts.
Beverly: That's a great idea, Murray. Except we don't have a phone to call them!
Murray: So go down the street and use the pay phone like I do to order calzones. Why am I the only one with good ideas?

Beverly: Oh, baby, sit down. We have some upsetting news about Brea. Brea's mother, Vicki... [whispers] ...is divorced.
Adam: What are you saying?
Beverly: [whispers] Divorced.
Adam: Still can't hear you.
Beverly: Dee. Vorced.
Adam: The Force?
Beverly: Dee. Vorced.
Adam: From Star Wars?

Beverly: Adam, let me tell you a story.
Adam: No. I don't wanna hear how your aunt's handyman's mom got divorced and now she's living in a giant soup can.
Beverly: It was my manicurist's roof guy who lost so much in his split that they turned his water off and he had to bathe in a lake. Snapping turtles took his toes, lips and a nice chunk of one buttock, and now he's got to sit crotch down.
Murray: None of that happened to any person.

Adult Adam: [v.o.]Ah, the phones of the '80s; kitschy, colorful and enormous. And my dad hated all of them. Especially when he couldn't get through to the house.
Murray: A busy signal?! Oh, what kind of Chatty Charlie is hogging the line?! Piece of crap garbage children! [to a customer] If you met them, you'd know!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But then we got the cutting-edge tech that would end the busy signal forever... call waiting.

Brea: [on phone] I love you more than the Cookie Monster loves cookies.
Adam: Whoa, [chuckles] that's a lot. [line beeps] Is that your call waiting?
Brea: Let me get rid of them.
Adam: Goldbergs. And if this is for Barry, he's instructed me to say "Wassup, girl."
Murray: [on the line] I've been calling for ten minutes! Didn't you hear the beep?
Adam: Oh, sorry, Dad.
Murray: Put your mom on. Who knew there was more than one kind of onion?
Adam: Mom, Dad's calling, but make it fast 'cause I'm talking to Brea!
Beverly: Just a sec, Schmoopie Poops. I'm adding some flavor to my Swedish meatballs.
Adam: Dad, it's gonna be a while. Let me get back to Brea.
Murray: No, no, no, don't you do the click over.
Adam: Ooh, my finger's already in motion. Sorry, my love. My dumb dad was on the line.
Murray: It's still me, moron!
Adam: Whoops.

Murray: Where'd he go?! [line beeping]
Female Voice: Please deposit ten cents.
Murray: Fine! I'm gonna get every onion there is!

Murray: I will take away everything and everyone you love forever!
Beverly: Too much club, sweetie.
Murray: Well, then, fine! I'll throw your bedroom into the ocean!
Beverly: Moving closer, but still a miss.
Murray: All right, I will remove all of your precious phones!
Adam: Mom, talk to your husband. We need phones. What if there's a medical emergency?
Murray: There will be if you don't move out of my way!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was November 18th, 1980-something, and the Jenkintown Posse was back in action.
Barry: [enters] Your lives may begin again! Your magnetic and voluptuous leader has returned! JTP!
All: JTP!
Barry: Hmm, the place seems different. Where's all the sadness and stench of a litter box even though there's no cat?
Geoff: Oh, Erica's been helping them spruce the place up. Mostly, it's just cleaning. Did you know that there was a fireplace behind the gum wall?
Barry: Okay, emergency JTP announcements. One, I am now single and free to hang around the clock. Two, turn this place back into the filthy hell I love.

Erica: Dude, they can't live in a dump. They have girlfriends now.
Barry: Oh, please! These loveless, unlovable dummies don't have love in their love-deprived lives.
Matt: But we do. I met Beth when she came in The Gap looking for a fitted cable knit sweater, and she left with my heart.
Barry: Dear Penthouse letters, I have a story you'll never use.
Andy: My special lady is Gwen. Her purity ring says no, but her anger at her father says yes.
Barry: Gwen sounds like a poor man's Beth.
Naked Rob: I've recently begun a dalliance with Laura. She embraces my nudist lifestyle but asks that I put a towel down on her couch.
Barry: Sounds like you guys got a pretty good poker hand: three fives. Now let's go to the Wawa and play some classic JTP smash ball.
Erica: Is that where you smash fruit with swords and tennis racquets, and the guy who works there spends hours hosing it down?
Barry: Erica knows her sports.