Adult Adam: [v.o.] Whether they did or they just happened to be in the store, they got to witness maybe the first-ever dramatic reading of a cookbook.
Beverly: "1/2 cup cream. Two sticks of butter, cubed. Toss into margarine until combined"!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And once my mom got going, she didn't want to stop...
Beverly: "Whisk gently with water until the clumps... have dissipated."
Adult Adam: [v.o.] ...or stay totally on topic.
Beverly: You know, I like to think I do for Parm what Madam Curie did for, uh... well, whatever it is she did.
Erica: Should we be worried Mom won't handle all this attention in a positive way?
Murray: Nah. She'll be fine.
Beverly: I have a husband and three children, and yet, today, my life began!

Adam: Would a beautiful girl like these parachute pants?
Pops: I see why they threw them out of a plane.
Adam: Tomorrow needs to be perfect.
Pops: And it will be. You're throwing a party to land a girl. I've thrown millions of shindigs, and they all went gonzo.
Adam: Gonzo's my favorite Muppet, so I'm in.
Pops: First thought... don't mention Muppets. Second thought... throw this party the night a war ends.
Adam: We're kind of locked for this Saturday.
Pops: After I got back from the Pacific, I kissed a thousand nurses.
Adam: That seems like too many.

Adam: There they are. Well, welcome to party plan central.
Dave Kim: Is it too late to discuss alternate venues?
Adam: Yep. Let's plan this beast, keeping in mind we need this party to be cool and inviting to redheaded 17-year-old girls who I know play volleyball. I'll start. A volleyball.
Dave Kim: Here's something fun... BYOB, "bring your own broom."
Johnny: My turn. 50 kegs.
Brian Walls: Giant speakers that will blow out car windows.
JC Spink: A party donkey.
Carla: A no-rules foam room and a giant fish tank full of hammerheads.
Dave Kim: Disposable shoe covers, like at an open house.

Adam: Ooh! How about a roped-off private area where two people can talk and get to know each other?
Carla: Yes! A rope! Put that down.
Adam: We're humming now! Anyone else?
Pops: How 'bout an oyster bar?
Adam: What are you doing here?
Pops: Making suggestions to get some enchantment back in this party.
Johnny: What's with the old guy? And why is he suggesting sea vomit?
Pops: Question... what's the sexiest instrument? Answer? The oboe!

Adam: Pops, I don't need your help.
Pops: But if you want romance, your pals are steering you toward disaster.
Adam: I know what I'm doing!
Pops: Doesn't mean you don't need my advice.
Adam: Pops!
Pops: Here's some more gold. Turn up the temperature and watch the girls glisten.
Adam: I need this party to be cool, not sweaty. And oboes and clams aren't cool.
Pops: Oysters! Why would you have clams at a party?
Adam: Enough! I don't need your help.
Pops: I'll let my oboe guy know you won't be in touch.

Pops: Hey, kiddo. I heard what you said the other day loud and clear.
Adam: Then why are you here with that rolling battleship?
Pops: I thought you'd want to take it to your party. When you roll up with this baby, you'll be fighting trixies off with a stick.
Adam: You certainly know what a modern boy wants, but you're not even supposed to be driving.
Pops: Enjoy the Caddy. [tosses keys]
Adam: I don't want the Caddy. [tosses keys back]
Pops: You got to take the Caddy. [tosses keys back]
Adam: Stop saying "Caddy," and stop throwing Caddy keys at me. [tosses keys back]
Pops: I know we had a rough patch the other day, but let me do this for my best bud.
Adam: I don't want this. I don't want your help. I just want to be left alone.
Pops: Okay, then. I get it. You don't want me.
Johnny: Oof. That was rough. Hope you have the same presence of mind when Paula Abdul demands her pants back.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Dave Kim's party was in full swing and off the chain. The place was packed, the music was bumpin', the shots jello'd, and that guy was shirtless. This night was gonna be epic!
Johnny: Nice. Dave Kim is quite the host. I'm gonna take a shower in the master and get my night started.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] The only thing missing was a certain special lady.
Adam: This is officially a cool party! Why isn't Brea here, Dave Kim?
Dave Kim: Dude, I've got my own problems right now. Carla is playing a drinking game with my baby pictures!
Carla: Look at you holding the football like you know how it works.
Dave Kim: That's not all. Those guys are wearing Villanova sweatshirts, and based on their facial hair and nonstop references to beating Georgetown, I think they actually go there.
Carla: I hope your parents have earthquake insurance, 'cause this party's gonna be rockin'! [cheering]
Dave Kim: They have fire and flood, but their deductible is super-high!

Barry: Do I smell Mom's homemade chili cheese lasagna?
Geoff: Yes, you do, Schmoo.
Erica: My biggest fear used to be that I'd turn into my mom.
Geoff: Well, I've been using your mom's recipes and having the time of my life.
Murray: We are two very different men.

[on TV:]
Lizzie: So, what's next for Beverly Goldberg?
Beverly: I am just gonna ride the wild success of my book into, eh, housewares, beef, bikes, tax assistants, music, children's clothing, tiny, little scissors, bric-a-brac, Dutch ovens, TV shows.
Matt: I guess we'd better watch our backs. [both laugh]
Beverly: Matt, look at me. Look at all of this. It will be gone. Even Lizzie's gonna leave you.
Lizzie: Oh, we're not together.
Beverly: Shut up, Lizzie. We've all seen how you touch his arm. [theme music plays]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And things only got worse from there.
Police Officer: Lady, you can't park there. Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Beverly: No, it's okay. Famous author. [hands out a book]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, after one successful local book signing, my mom became a monster.
Man: Hey! Your dog just did his business on my lawn! You gonna pick that up?
Beverly: Oh, I don't do that anymore. But here. [hands out a book]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] A real nightmare who thought the rules didn't apply to her.
Beverly: Sorry. Fame doesn't wait in line.
Woman: Uh, do you mind?
Beverly: Okay, just one. [signs card] Okay, this is for all of you.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] In her mind, she was The Beatles of cooking. And there was no slowing her down.