Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, the Eagles brought my dad and Barry together. Until the following season, when the unthinkable happened.
Barry: [enters] Everyone, shut up! I have an announcement of international importance!
Beverly: Barry, what is it? What's wrong? Let me catch my breath.
Barry: I ran here from my car.
Erica: And you had to go up three steps.
Barry: Oh! Pins and needles!
Beverly: Throw out that water. Bring your brother some Hawaiian Punch.
Erica: No, this is my special water.

Beverly: Darling, I can tell you're upset. Come over here. Let me nuzzle you and sing the calm-down song.
Barry: If you need me, I'll be in my room, punching and kicking my treasured possessions.
Adam: But it's just a stupid game.
Barry: What did you just say?
Adam: You can't hurt me! Mom's here.
Beverly: I can't help you. He's too upset. [Barry charges at Adam] Run, Schmoopie, run!

Jane Bales: Beverly Goldberg? Oh, as I live and breathe.
Beverly: Well, unfortunately, you still do. [laughs] Hello, Jane Bales. If you're wondering why the sales rack is empty, it's because this vulture already picked it clean. Show her.
Jane Bales: Oh, please. I can get anything on sale I want. I once made Chanel honor a McDonald's gift certificate.
Beverly: Well, I once forced my way into Filene's Basement's basement. [chuckles] It was filled with industrial air-conditioning equipment, which I bought for pennies on the dollar.
Jane Bales: I bought our house for peanuts... actual peanuts. The guy worked with elephants, so it made sense.
Beverly: Then why are you holding a blouse listed at full price?
Jane Bales: Because my days of deal hunting are over. I pay retail now.
Beverly: Retail? [chuckles] But that would give businesses you support a profit.
Jane Bales: I don't care. I now shop exclusively at the front of the store.
Erica: Seriously? We speed past the front of the store. There's so many happy people up there. Smiling, laughing, happy people.
Jane Bales: Well, we only seem happy because we are.

Beverly: But how and why? And why and how?
Jane Bales: Simple. I'm now the top saleswoman of a high-end French beauty company called Energé. It means...
Beverly: Dump truck.
Jane Bales: ...the vitality of youth.
Beverly: Exactly.
Erica: Wowza. Sales must be good.
Jane Bales: They are magnifique, which means...
Beverly: Magnifying glass.
Jane Bales: ...magnificent.
Erica: You were close.
Beverly: The secondary meaning.

Erica: I've never seen an unslashed price tag before. It's so crisp.
Jane Bales: I never even look at those anymore.
Erica: Oh! Mama, take me to the front of the store, please.
Beverly: Never! I mean, we have to go up there to exit, but stop poisoning my baby's mind, Jane Bales.
Jane Bales: Fine. Enjoy scraping the bargain bin for odds and ends. Au revoir. And that means "suck it, losers." Bye.
Beverly: Damn it! Such a beautiful language.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my mom was feeling down, Barry called my dad to say, "What's up?"
Barry: [on the phone] Hey, Dad.
Murray: What's wrong? Why are you calling? Were you arrested?
Barry: What? No, I was just wondering if I should come over this Sunday.
Murray: W-Why? There's no football. Wait. Is it your mother's birthday? Whatever you got her, put my name on it.
Barry: No, I was just thinking we could still hang out and chat.
Murray: About old football games?
Barry: Sure, or whatever.
Murray: You're acting weirder than usual. I gotta go.

Barry: I trust you heard the news, and I'm sure we're all thinking the same thing.
Matt: That this is a vicious ploy by the NFL to undermine labor unions?
Barry: No, that I should try out for the replacement Eagles! Who better than me?
Naked Rob: Someone that's played organized football before?
Geoff: So, Barry, you're just gonna call up the Eagles and announce you want to play for them?
Barry: I already did that, and they very rudely informed me they're having open tryouts.
Matt: You're really doing this? And we're just gonna ignore the potential life-altering injuries you might suffer?
Barry: Shh, Matt Bradley. Men are talking. Soon, I'll be giving postgame interviews in just a towel and fending off sexy sideline reporters.
Geoff: What a fun bunch of steps to skip! Well, if nothing else, your dad will be into it.
Barry: I'm doing this solely for my love of the game.
Geoff: Bar...
Barry: This has nothing to do with my father's missing love. Heisman! Hyah! Look how fast!

Murray: I wasn't a star, but I did do some long snapping.
Vic: Are you serious? He was the silent hero of the interior line's special teams unit.
Barry: And I'm gonna follow in his footsteps. But I'll be super famous and will be on the cover of the first all-male Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.
Murray: No chance. Your mom will kill me.
Barry: Mom only hates football because the helmets hide our faces.

Bill Lewis: Come on, Murray, the boy has clearly been dreaming about this for a couple of hours. Saying no will destroy his afternoon.
Vic: Or possibly ours, when he throws one of his famous hissy fits.
Murray: Not gonna happen.
Vic: Or maybe Murray won't help because he actually never played.
Bill Lewis: [as Murray] I'm Murray Goldberg. I love TV and chairs. [Vic laughs] And everyone's a moron!
Murray: Toss me the ball.
Vic: Wait, wait. What's happening? And why is he moving?
Murray: When I say "go," toss that pillow across the room.
Bill Lewis: Oh, my God, he's breaking in half! Oh, no, he's just bending over.

Murray: Go! [Murray hits the pillow mid-air with the football]
Bill Lewis: Moses in the reeds!
Vic: Was it shot out of a cannon?
Barry: Boom! My dad is, and always will be, a super jock. Right, Dad?
Murray: Everybody leave. You don't want to see me get out of this.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my dad bent over backwards to prove his friends wrong, Erica and I were doing our own problem-solving.