Murray: There he is. I got something I want to give you before you hit the gridiron.
Barry: More hiking knowledge, Coach Dad?
Murray: Better than that. My old butt towel.
Barry: I don't know what to say. Mostly 'cause I don't understand what that is.
Murray: I used to wear this when I played, to wipe off the ball before I snapped it, and I want you to have it.
Barry: I'd be honored to wipe a ball with the towel that's been on your butt.
Murray: Don't make a father giving his son his butt towel weird.

Bill Lewis: Wow. I've never seen your old man give a gift to anyone.
Barry: It's pretty special. When I win the Super Bowl, he'll be the second person I thank, right after my wife, Paula Abdul Goldberg.
Vic: The person you should be thanking is the good Lord above for watching over you and making sure that you are not violently killed tomorrow.
Barry: But long snapper's one of the safest positions on the field.
Bill Lewis: There's no such thing on the cruel and unforgiving gridiron.
Vic: In high school, I got tackled so hard, I lost three days. I missed Ann-Margret on The Flintstones as Ann-Margrock. Also, my grandmama's funeral.
Bill Lewis: You see this dent in my skull? I got that from my time on the turf. Now I can taste colors and smell feelings. [sniffs] Sad.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And from there, things only got weirder.
Beverly: Nothing like a little group speedwalk to help break up the day.
Virginia Kremp: A run would also feel good.
Essie Karp: I'm super cold but sweaty. Let's run hard.
Beverly: Linda's just nodding 'cause she can't move her jaw, but I say yes, too!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My mom was ready to give up her dream of financial freedom, but not before Erica could make a big sale.
Erica: Mom, if you have a minute, I would like to pitch you a new product that will change your life.
Adam: Wow! That sounds like a tall order. Tell us more.
Erica: May I present... the Bever-lé.
Adam: It looks amazing. What does the Bever-lé do?
Erica: Well, the real question is, what doesn't she do? She runs a household, she works at a school, and she cares for three ungrateful children.
Adam: They look terrible! Except for the young one. He's got a Harrison Ford quality.
Erica: Stick to the script, or I will hurt you.

Adam: Clearly, the Bever-lé must have help.
Erica: You would think so, but this is her life partner.
Adam: She accomplished all that tied to a human anchor in a La-Z-Boy? What's the catch?
Erica: Well, there is one thing. Sometimes the Bever-lé is prone to questioning whether or not she sets a good example for her daughter.
Adam: If that happens, what do you do?
Erica: Well, you assure her that you can't think of a stronger, more caring, often terrifying role model to aspire to, regardless of how much money she makes.
Beverly: [crying] I'm the richest woman in the world!
Adam: All of this can be had for easy payments of...
Erica: She's crying, Adam. We're done.
Beverly: Oh! That was the greatest sales presentation ever.
Erica: It's easy when you believe in the product.

Murray: Hey! You drove away before we could talk.
Barry: I brought shame on the family like a disgraced samurai. And if I hadn't broken my sword last year attacking that anthill, I would've done the honorable thing.

Murray: So, you're not a replacement Eagle. There's no shame in not wanting your head knocked off.
Barry: So, you're not disappointed?
Murray: Are you kidding? I had a blast teaching you my old snapping tricks.
Barry: I guess I'm just worried, without football, we have nothing in common.
Murray: Barry, we have everything in common. You're my kid.
Barry: So, you'd want to hang out, even when there's no game on?
Murray: I love the Eagles... but my true joy is you.

Beverly: What the [bleep] [bleep]?! I was supposed to be the one to force you into buying things you don't want!
Essie Karp: We know, but then Jane arrived, and she's so pushy and terrifying. She said there was a new sheriff in town, and it's her. Then she showed us an actual badge. I think she might be the sheriff.
Beverly: Are you more scared of her than you are of me?
Virginia Kremp: Goodness no. No, no. You frighten the crap out of us. I once screamed when I thought I saw your shadow. Thank goodness it was just a circus clown in my driveway.

Barry: So, what do you want to talk about?
Murray: I don't know. I... Anything, everything. What are you interested in?
Barry: [sighs] Nunchucks, the vocal stylings of Big Daddy Kane. [chuckles] I melted a Nerf Ball with a blowtorch.
Murray: We'll find something.

Murray: Hello? Yes, there is a Losery Loser from Loserville here. [laughs] It's for you, Bill.
Bill Lewis: Unlike the majestic eagle for which your team is named, you are not an honorable creature! Good day!