John Calabasas: Welcome to Calabasas Family Auto. Hey, I'm gonna kick things off with a friendly ice breaker. Are any of you guys cops?
Beverly: No...?
John Calabasas: Perfect! Hey, this handsome young guy looks like he's looking for something sporty, right?
Murray: Not even a little.
John Calabasas: Okay.
Murray: Please don't touch me.
John Calabasas: Sounds like a plan.

John Calabasas: Aw, don't let your sad pal sell you on this marvel of modern engineering that happens to go from zero to 60 in only 8.1 seconds flat.
Murray: That is fast.
John Calabasas: That's because there's a V-6 engine and 210 horses under the hood.
Murray: That's a lot of ponies running wild.
John Calabasas: I call 'em ponies, too, and nobody ever gets that. I'm starting to think that this thing is meant to be.
Murray: She is a beauty.
John Calabasas: So? What do you think? Do we have ourselves a sale?
Murray: Here's the thing. I'm a simple man. I-I don't need fancy things. I just need, uh, a new door handle.
John Calabasas: Fine. Follow me to Parts.
Beverly: So close.

Barry: Okay, best man. Take us through my epic adult-man bachelor party.
All: Adult-man bachelor party!
Adam: Strap yourselves in, boys. First, we kick it off at the Willow Grove Mall with a fun night of Skee-Ball and more at Challenges Arcade.
Barry: Question. Does the "more" include nudity and/or keg stands?
All: Nudity and/or keg stands!
Adam: It does not. But it does include unlimited tokens, air hockey, and a private party room featuring a Cookie Puss cake.
Barry: Question. In this said private party room, will there also be a stolen Porsche and/or a drunk donkey?
All: And/or drunk donkey!
Adam: No. But fear not, 'cause I did book us a mini-horse that we can pet and be like, "Look! A mini-horse."
Barry: Dude! I asked for a crazy rager fit for men. You're just throwing me a lame kid's birthday party.
Adam: Maybe that's 'cause I am a kid.
Barry: Then I hereby fire you as best man and demote you to regular man.
Adam: No. Please don't make me just regular.

Marvin: I heard somebody's in the market for a gnarly bachelor party. Now, tell me, on a scale from 1 to 10, how gnarly?
Adam: 6?
Barry: 8.
Marvin: I heard 6 and 8. That's 14. Out of my way, boys!

Murray: You know, it's funny. When I drive it, I feel like I'm standing out, but not in a bad way.
Beverly: Murray, do you feel special?
Murray: Yeah. I-I guess. I-I do feel special.
Beverly: You are special, and for once in your life, you deserve special things.
Murray: Ah, screw it! I'm a Bitter man now.

Marvin: Gentlemen, thanks for coming to Barry's bachelor party. Adam, cue the mind-blowing visuals! Philadelphia, known for the Liberty Bell, South Street, and the world's greatest cheesesteaks. But tonight, none of that matters not one damn bit.
Adam: What? But you made me go around the city taking photos of that stuff.
Marvin: It's for dramatic effect, man which I achieved.

Marvin: We're talking 6,000-square-foot dance floor, wall-to-wall babes, lasers, smoke machines, giant speakers that guarantee permanent hearing loss, and a sentient party robot that came to get down.
Andy: Seriously? They have a party robot?
Adam: Little fun fact it's the same robot they cast in "Rocky IV" as Paulie's robo-butler.

Adam: Got you some Cookie Puss, buddy.
Barry: Forget it. Party's over, dude.
Adam: Look. You may have hated your adult party, but that doesn't mean you're not ready to be an adult.
Barry: Of course it does. I mean, look at me. I haven't grown up at all.
Adam: Well, I may be the least mature human on the planet, but the one thing I know is that the way you love and treat Lainey, that's as grown-up as it gets.
Barry: Thanks, Ad Rock. Means a lot.
Adam: Just doing my job as best man.
Barry: You're more than my best man. You're the best brother a guy could ask for.
Adam: Come on! We agreed no feelings or crying or hugging.
Barry: No, seriously. You really did throw me the bachelor party of my dreams even if it was a total nightmare.
Adam: Well, it doesn't have to be.
Barry: Come on. The bachelor party's over.
Adam: Didn't you learn anything from Tom Hanks? The party's over when we say it is.

Murray: Uh, I-I hope you don't mind. I need to use the car.
Beverly: Sorry. I got to make the returns.
Murray: You also Just what I needed didn't get to go on a picnic.
Beverly: Murray, what are you doing?
Murray: I'm just trying to make things right with us. And Bill. Uh, don't ask.
Beverly: But why? You were right. It was my fault. I'm the one who forced you into the car, thinking it would make you happy.
Murray: Look. I don't need nice things to be happy. I've already got the nicest thing in the world you.
Beverly: Aww, Mur.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, my mom and dad may not have always seen eye-to-eye, but what really mattered was that they had each other's backs. That's the thing about the people we choose to spend our life with. In the end, they're all we need to get by. And, when it came to that busted-down Bitter, it really did sit in our driveway forever. But it didn't matter, because every time my dad saw it, he was reminded that he already had the greatest gift of all a person to spend his life with.