Barry: A sibling isn't someone you love, it's a rival for your mother's affection and your father's apathy. Read a book.
Andy: No, a sibling is the one person you know who will always have your back through thick and thin.
Matt: Your parents aren't gonna be around forever, Bar. But your siblings are gonna be there for the rest of your life.
Geoff: Don't you want that kind of closeness with Erica?
Barry: No! And stop making me the weirdo here.
Andy: Bar, when was the last time you and Erica showed each other any type of real affection?
Naked Rob: Or hugged?
Matt: Or told each other, "I love you"?
Barry: Usually we're too busy squabbling. Her specialty is vicious insults, and mine is hiding outdoor objects in her bed.
Matt: Maybe you should think about changing that. Because later in life, your siblings are gonna be all you got.

Brea: I'm so confused. Why am I here?
Principal Ball: You have been accepted for semester at sea. Congratulations.
Beverly: Whoo-hoo! You did it, girl! The oceans are your playground.
Brea: Semester at sea? I applied for this two years ago.
Beverly: Well, yes, and I just happened to find it in your personal file, so I did you the service of updating and resubmitting it. You know, typical Quaker Warden activities.
Brea: You want me to travel the world now? In the last three months before I go to college?
Beverly: Bon voyage!Oh, you're gonna have such a good time away from this school and all the pain and suffering you've been causing.
Brea: I get it. You just want to make me sail the seven seas so your schmoopie doesn't have to see me.
Beverly: What an outrageous accusation! Get your life together, Brea! Perhaps on a research vessel called the, uh... oh! Polar Queen.
Brea: I'm not shipping out my senior year.
Principal Ball: I should probably have more information before I call students in here.

Adam: There she is. The girl who loves to forgive and forget.
Brea: Don't, Adam. Do you know what your mom just tried to pull?
Adam: Hopefully her hamstring so she wasn't able to make it in today to do whatever it is she clearly did.
Brea: She just tried to ship me off to the North Pole.
Adam: That's a real place?
Brea: Oh, my God.
Adam: I don't know anything about Christmas. Why would you put a tree inside?

Barry: Oh, hello. I was about to enjoy a civilized English tea. Care to join me?
Erica: Why would I voluntarily spend time with you?
Barry: Ha! Our playful teasing speaks to a deep affection, doesn't it? Come on, park your loveliness.
Erica: Whatever. Crumpet me.
Barry: Shall we engage in the art of conversation?
Erica: Just say your thing while I house this bad boy.
Barry: Well, I just feel like we haven't connected in a while.
Erica: "Haven't connected"? We've never connected. Unless you count the time that my elbow connected with your ribs because you smeared peanut butter on my curling wand.
Barry: Trying to heat up that Jif was a rare miss on my part. But let's not let that stand in the way of sharing our feelings now. Top off your "shamo-mile"?
Erica: It's "camo-meal," ya dope. And... And what's the game here? When's the big reveal coming that I drank hot sauce and butt crumbs?
Barry: Nothing's coming but conversation and sibling intimacy.
Erica: I'm onto you.

Beverly: Oh! [Adam groans] Honey, are you bored? Do I need to buy you more toys?
Adam: No. I just don't have the will to get on the bed.
Beverly: Come on. Get up. [sighs] I guess you're mad.
Adam: No. I had already screwed it up with her 900 ways before that.
Beverly: Well, what are you gonna do with your night?
Adam: I'm gonna get a head start on feeling a void in the center of my being for the rest of my life.
Beverly: You can't just give up on life. We're going out.
Adam: Sure.
Beverly: Now, why aren't you fighting me with every fiber of your being?
Adam: What difference does it make? I'm never gonna be happy again. You might as well enjoy whatever weird, screwy thrill taking your son on a Valentine's Day date gives you.
Beverly: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Adam: Glad I could make one person happy.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, dead to the world, I limped along to the greatest Valentine's date ever... for my mom.
Beverly: This is the best! But you know what would make it even better? If you snuggled with me under this blanket.
Adam: Whatever. Just do your terrible things.
Beverly: Alright, enough, Buster Brown. I gave you a magical evening, and you're still moping?
Adam: Maybe that's because I'm on a Valentine's Day date with my mother!
Driver: Mother? Whoa! Okay, that's the ride.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my mother was hijacking a horse-drawn carriage... Barry was hijacking Erica's Valentine's date in a different carriage.
Erica: Aww! I had a feeling this was my surprise.
Barry: The real surprise is it's me.
Erica: Barry? Wait. Is this a part of my date? Did Geoff plan for you to escort me to the adventure that awaits? It's a bad start, but I'm still excited.
Barry: That's exactly what's happening. Hop in, sis. Driver! Love awaits. Speaking of, we love each other, right?
Erica: Huh?
Barry: Sure, we fight often and vigorously, but beneath all that, there's real caring, wouldn't you say?
Erica: I would say we should just stay silent until we get to Geoff.

Barry: Until then, some pretty flowers for your sniffing pleasure.
Erica: Are these from Geoff or you?
Barry: Does it matter?
Erica: A lot.
Barry: Then perhaps an elegant box of assorted chocolates?
Erica: What? Again, from you?
Barry: There's a map in there that tells you what's what. Also, I ate three because I'm super nervous.
Erica: Nervous? What are you planning?
Barry: Just to share my fondness for you.
Erica: Ew! Get off! I don't want to hold your gross, sweaty fingers!

Barry: I love you! Okay? Tell me you love me!
Erica: No! What is going on?!
Barry: Forget it! Horsey Man, stop the horsey!
Erica: Barry, what is your problem?
Barry: Everyone else loves their siblings, but all we have is a lifetime of pranks and reading each other's diaries.
Erica: You've read my diary?
Barry: Every boring word. But what does it matter? It's not like we're gonna be in each other's lives anymore.
[As Barry leaves the carriage, Beverly and Adam pass by in the horse and cart she's commandeered]
Beverly: Hyah! Hyah!
Erica: We're a supremely [bleep] up family.

Dave Kim: Why are we celebrating the mom from The Brady Bunch?
Brea: What does it matter? Even those giant posters of Carol Brady's head can't change that this is a really romantic dance.
Dave Kim: Are you okay?
Brea: Not really. I just... I can't believe I'm not here with the guy I love.
Dave Kim: Well, maybe he's closer than you think.
Brea: Oh. Oh, no, no, no. Dave Kim, you're a really great friend, but...
Dave Kim: I meant that Adam's here!