Lou Schwartz: Beverly, I assume you've seen this morning's Jenkintown Examiner?
Vic: Ooh, I love the Examiner. They did that expose on the donut place I like. My love of crullers helped fund the war in Nicaragua.
Beverly: No, this is about our children's wedding announcement.
Lou Schwartz: Kinda what I wanted to talk to you about, Beverly. "Geoffrey Todd Schwartz, son of L and L Schwartz, to wed Erica Goldberg, daughter of Beverly Goldberg, beloved cookbook author, beloved almost lawyer, and beloved Quaker Warden of William Penn Academy."
Beverly: Are you concerned there aren't enough "beloveds?"
Lou Schwartz: I faxed you a cornucopia of biographical information, none of which you included.
Beverly: Space was limited.
Lou Schwartz: So limited you couldn't include our first names? And why is there a photo of you?
Beverly: Well, I commissioned a portrait, but it wasn't ready.

Matt: You hear that, Bar? Dr. Stevie Stevenson has your dream job.
Barry: Please. Does he also own a secret chocolate factory on the side, but instead of chocolate, it's biscuits?
Matt: I just met him, but I'm 100% certain no.
Andy: No, right?
Matt: No, it's definitely no.
Andy: No.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my brother was an unlikely ladies' man. But when he met Joanne, an equally unpredictable wildcard, he finally found his perfect fit.
Barry: Thank you for attending this emergency presentation of our plans for your bachelor and bachelorette parties.
Erica: None of this seems like an emergency.
Barry: Shut up! Let's begin with diving, scuba, cliff, and sky. Your body might explode from all the drastic changes in pressure.
Geoff: Yeah, the only thing I'm jumping out of is bed every morning at 5:00. More time for a lazy breakfast with a book.
Barry: Fret not, my gutless friend. I'll strap you to my back so if the chute doesn't open, we'll smash together into an indecipherable slop that our parents will pour into a single grave.
Joanne: Aw.
Erica: Fun.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was February 23rd, 1980-something, and my mom was meeting with the officiant of my sister's wedding, my dad's friend, Vic.
Vic: And I boned up on your people's marriage rituals, and nowhere in your sacred texts is it kosher for the mother-in-law to hold hands with the bride and groom as they do their vows.
Beverly: I guess we'll just have to wait for our three-person dance.

Beverly: Now, thanks for stopping by, but I have a wedding to plan.
Lou Schwartz: Well, why don't I take something off your hands?
Beverly: Uh, well, you could valet the cars?
Lou Schwartz: I'm the father of the groom. Also, I can't get in and out of those low Japanese models. How 'bout this? I make the video tribute.
Beverly: Adam's on that.
Adam: Oh, Adam's not on that. These are the last couple months with m'lady friend, Brea, so I'm kinda trying to... you know, make hay. [chuckles] The fellas get it.
Lou Schwartz: Not really.
Vic: A little shame is a good thing, son.

Beverly: You gotta spy on Lou while he makes this video.
Adam: No thanks!
Beverly: Yes, thanks! This wedding is a sacred event to our family. I need to know if Lou Schwartz is doing me dirty!
Adam: Doing you dirty? The man has season tickets to something called Jazz Under the Stars.
Beverly: I'll buy you something expensive.
Adam: That's all you had to say.

Geoff: What's with the flowers?
Joanne: They're for Barry's exes. He thought it'd be a nice way to welcome them.
Barry: While my former lovers may no longer be able to enjoy my ripped bod or neon charisma, these flowers from the open lot across the street should ease the longing.
Erica: I'm gonna ignore it all and ask that you never say "lovers" again.

Matt: When we first heard you were doing something nontraditional, we were like, "What?"
Andy: Yeah, but then we realized we're single men. We can do unspeakable acts any time we want.
Naked Rob: Oh, big time. I am just one bad choice away from ruining my life and many others.
Geoff: Well, why don't you dip your toes in these rough waters and try this crudites plate?
Matt: [laughs] Oh, carrot crazy.

Adam: Hi, Dr. Schwartz. My mom sent me over with some family photos for the wedding montage video.
Lou Schwartz: I'll be sure to add them to the pile.
Adam: My mom was also hoping I could help out with the video.
Lou Schwartz: No need. I've already hired a pro. Oddly, his name is also Adam Goldberg.
Other Adam Goldberg: Well, well, Adam Goldberg the lesser.
Lou Schwartz: You two know each other?
Other Adam Goldberg: Former foes, current apathetic acquaintances. Future who knows.

Adam: I thought you moved to Hollywood to work in the dream factories.
Other Adam Goldberg: I did, armed with the best Mr. Belvedere script ever written.
Adam: The studio brass said that?
Other Adam Goldberg: My nana did. She's impeccable with story. Unfortunately, the entirety of show business disagreed.
Lou Schwartz: None of this came out in the interview, but thanks for dropping by, Adam.
Other Adam Goldberg: I'd like him to stay. I need some extra hands sorting all this crap.
Lou Schwartz: You mean my treasured family memories?
Other Adam Goldberg: It's pictures set to music. It ain't Belvedere, brother.