Lisa: Will? Will?
Will: [v.o.] Good evening, you fine Nubian princess. I set up a little surprise for you tonight, so just follow instructions and enjoy. Number one: Clap twice. [soft music plays] Number two: I've got a succulent lobster dinner prepared. So go to the microwave, press start. Number three: Take your sexy little self on over to the couch and have a seat. Number four: Get naked.
Lisa: What?
Will: [v.o.] No, my fault. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. All right. Number five: Turn around.
Lisa: Ooh. You sure do know how to make a girl feel special.
Lisa: Will, what is all of this about?
Will: We are celebrating, baby. I've been published.
Lisa: Published? When did you start writing?
Will: Last week. Hey, look. I wanna give you some goose bumps too.

Will: Lisa. Sweetheart, there's only one word to describe you.
Carlton: Scum.
Will: Carlton. Man, you know the routine. When there's a sock in the door, you sleep on the lawn.
Carlton: Have you read this week's National Inquisitor?
Will: Man, I don't read that trash.
Carlton: Then how come you're writing it?
Will: Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. They used one of my photos from my book and put it in here.
Lisa: "'Jay Leno: Earth Enemy Number One' by Will Smith?" You sold pictures to a sleazy magazine like this?
Will: No, no, no, baby. I did not. I sold them to a book publisher. Look, Jay Leno wasn't holding an oil can. He was holding a coffee pot. That guy tricked me. Yeah, well, at least I got paid.

Geoffrey: Master William, you have a visitor.
Deputy: Will Smith?
Will: Yes, sir.
Deputy: You're served.
Lisa: What? What's wrong, baby?
Will: Jay Leno is suing me for $10 million.

Ashley: Is there anything I can do to help?
Lisa: Can you drive a getaway car?

Geoffrey: Master William, come quickly. They're talking about you on the telly.
Crowd: [on TV] Save our sewers. Save our sewers. Save our sewers.
Andrea White: [on TV] This is Andrea White of KFPB. It has been reported to the National Inquisitor that Tonight Show host Jay Leno is a toxic polluter. Will Smith is the young man who photographed Leno dumping oil into the sewer systems. His story also alleges that Mr. Leno may be single-handedly responsible for destroying the rain forest, the ozone layer and the one tree that grows in Brooklyn.
Ashley: Oh, that poor little tree.
Will: Forget that tree, Ashley. Come on, I'm getting railroaded.

John Ridley: [on the phone] It's The Tonight Show. Of course I'm doing the Bill Clinton McDonald's bit. It's my best joke. You're my agent. I'm the one who should be nervous. I'll call you after the show, okay? Yeah. Bye.
Will: Hey, bro. How you doing? Have you seen Jay Leno?
John Ridley: No, and I probably won't until I'm on stage. I'm John Ridley. I'm the comedian.
Will: Oh. So you're John Ridley. Yeah. Oh, well, these are for you. They're from Mr. Leno.
John Ridley: Oh, thanks.
Will: Listen, John. How long have you been a standup?
John Ridley: About 10 years. Why?
Will: [sighs] I just hate this part of my job.
John Ridley: What part?
Will: Dude, you've been bumped.
John Ridley: Bumped?
Will: Listen, listen. One of Roseanne's other personalities showed up. We're gonna have to let her keep talking.
John Ridley: You gotta be kidding. My family in Milwaukee is gonna be watching. I got a killer opening bit.
Will: I'm sorry, bro, that's show biz. Let's go.
John Ridley: No, wait a minute, I got this great joke about how I'm so pro-black I won't even pick the cotton out of a bottle of aspirin.
Will: I think I did you a favor, bro.

Ashley: Wow, Will, were you nervous?
Will: No, no, not really. Listen, I'm just glad that whole mess is over.
Lisa: Will, I'm sorry I started the whole thing but you looked pretty good on The Tonight Show. You were really wacky.
Will: I'm saying... What do you mean by "wacky"?
Carlton: No, he's not wacky. No.
Ashley: She did not mean that.
Carlton: No, I mean, you're an irresponsible lazy bum, but you're not...