Will: Well, I know what I gotta do.
Lisa: He's not gonna do anything stupid, is he?
Ashley: You don't know him very well, do you?

Will: Yeah, me neither, man. You know, but what happened was, you know, I was putting together this book. It was called Celebrities' Houses At Night. It's a good concept, right?
Jay Leno: Yeah, great, great. Yeah, terrific idea.
Will: Well, you know, what happened was, you know, I just wanted to show Lisa that I was special, you know? Because I just really don't wanna lose her because I really like her. And, well, you know, the pictures I gave them to the guy, he was supposed to put out my book. And, you know, he winded up putting it in the National Inquisitor. Jay, I never meant for anything bad to happen. I didn't mean for the pictures to be for that. Listen, America, I just want you to know it was not oil, it was coffee. Jay was pouring coffee out. It wasn't oil.
Jay Leno: Right. Well, thank you, Smith, for clearing that up. I appreciate that.
Will: Well, you know, my friends call me Will.
Jay Leno: Thanks a lot, Smith. I really appreciate that.
Will: Thank you.
Jay Leno: Yeah. Actually, that's kind of romantic, I think, though. I think I mean, what you... You are goofy, and you are an idiot. But that's beside the point. It's still kind of a romantic thing. And maybe we should drop the suit. What do you think, audience? [crowd applauds] All right, Will. Okay. You're off the hook.
Will: Thanks a lot, Jay.
Jay Leno: All right, all right.
Will: Hey, who's our next guest?
[Will is thrown out of The Tonight Show studio, a la Jazz]

Hilary: Attention, everyone. Attention. I have an announcement. My horoscope said that I will prosper in my house. So I figured I better go buy one.
Geoffrey: Hallelujah! Excuse me.