Cindy: Welcome to Croissants Aplenty. I'm Cindy, your waitress.
Will: What's up, Cindy? I'm Will and this is Carlton, my geek.
Carlton: Cindy, we need a woman's point of view. Which one of us do you find more attractive?
Cindy: May I take your order?
Carlton: I'll have the goat cheese and the prosciutto croissant.
Will: Y'all got any ribs?

Ashley: Hilary, I really don't think this store's gonna have my ballerina costume.
Hilary: Ashley, sweetie, you don't want to come to my Halloween party as a boring ballerina.
Ashley: But, Hilary, I want to come in something pretty.
Hilary: There. You're Charlie Chaplin.
Ashley: Who is Charlie Chaplin?
Hilary: He was a silent movie star. So take a hint. Let's get my outfits.
Ashley: "Outfits"? How many costumes do you need?
Hilary: At least five. I'm going as a runway model.

Salesman: Anything I can help you with, sir?
Philip: No, I'm just browsing. Actually, I'm supposed to be shopping for a Halloween costume. Oh, what's this? Oh, it's one of those things for finding your lost keys?
Salesman: Yes, but this one is totally new. Are you constantly misplacing your keys? Just touch the button on the locator unit, and the keyring emits a gentle beep tone to alert you to the whereabouts.
Philip: Well, that's nice, but what's new about that?
Salesman: Well, suppose you misplace your primary locator unit. Just use the equally handsome secondary unit and listen for the primary unit's own distinctive warbling.
Philip: That's a great idea.

Philip: What's this?
Salesman: It's a Dynatronics audio habitat enhancer.
Philip: I could use one of those. What does it do?
Salesman: It produces a pleasant ocean sound, drowning out unpleasant noise pollution. Do you have that problem in your house?
Philip: Boy, do l! My wife's nephew. The first week he moved in with us there was nonstop drumming in the house.

Vivian: Excuse me, I'm looking for that store with the safari clothes. I can't remember the name, but I think there's some produce in it.
Man: Banana Republic.
Vivian: That's it. Thank you.
Man: You have a beautiful speaking voice. You're probably a dynamite singer.
Vivian: Well, I'm okay.
Man: You want to record your own song? $8.95.
Vivian: I really have to shop for a Halloween costume.
Man: Well, that's too bad, because you're the first person I've met who I think could make a professional, quality recording.
[cut to Vivian in a booth singing Dionne Warwick's "I'll Never Fall in Love Again"]

Saleswoman: Hi, may I help you?
Carlton: I think so. You look like a woman with good taste. Tonight is my sister's Halloween party and I was wondering if you can honor me by... showing me that pen.
Saleswoman: Certainly. This pen was manufactured in France. It has a 14-karat gold nib and it's hand-lacquered. The price is-
Carlton: Do I look like the kind of man who would quibble about a few dollars?
Saleswoman: That's very nice because most of my customers would be shocked at a pen that costs $300.
[Carlton squeezes the pen in shock, spraying ink all over the saleswoman]

Salesman: The easy-to-read digital display keeps constant track of your pencil supply. As you remove the pencils from the sturdy ABS plastic container, the powerful micro-computer brain continuously updates the LED read-out and when the number reaches your preset re-supply level, the pencil monitor alerts you to the shortage and reminds you to take action.
Female voice: Only three pencils remain. Proceed to stationery store immediately.
Philip: Oh, I'll take it. I better get moving. I'm sure my wife has picked out her costume by now.

Hilary: Hi, Shauna. I'd like to try these on.
Shauna: Hilary, hi. I didn't even see you come in.
Hilary: I was just getting my overview of your new stock. It is all wonderful.
Shauna: Wait till you see what I've held for you.
Hilary: [gasps] Thank you! It is so important to have friends in retail. I've tried to explain that to my little sister.

Security Guard: Excuse me. Let me see that hat.
Hilary: Okay, but I don't think it works with that outfit.
Security Guard: Did you pay for this?
Hilary: No, I guess I forgot to.
Security Guard: But you just had to have to it?
Hilary: Me? You've got to be kidding. Derbies went out six months ago.
Security Guard: Let's take a little walk to the security office. You can give me your fashion dos and don'ts there.
Ashley: I knew I should have gone as a ballerina.

Will: Yo, yo, yo, baby. Ooh! How about some fries to go with that shake?
Woman: Sorry, I am on a no fat head diet.
Will: [to another woman] Excuse me, gurl, would you like to do the limbo under a coconut tree?