Will: Carlton, you're going down to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance.
Carlton: You come near me, I'll spray.
Will: Man, you don't know how lucky you are. You can be with your father whenever you want. You can eat with him and argue with him. He's there for you. You know where my father is?
Carlton: No.
Will: Neither do I.
Carlton: Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?
Will: Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose-
Carlton: Not my father!
Will: Everybody's father! Except mine because I don't know where the hell he is!
Carlton: You don't understand, Will.
Will: Yes, I do. You're selfish.

Will: Well, she does have a point, Uncle Phil. I mean, hey, I'm getting tired of the fat jokes myself.
Philip: What is wrong with you people? I weigh the same thing I weighed in high school.
Will: Yeah, if you add up all four years. Guess I'm not getting as tired of those fat jokes as I thought, huh?

Will: Oh, Uncle Phil. Hey, you been out on the courts?
Philip: Played a little tennis with Ashley. I can't remember when I've worked up such a sweat.
Geoffrey: And you've certainly earned your lunch.
Philip: What the heck is this?
Geoffrey: Chicken, sir. Oh, you probably don't recognize it without a thick coating of batter and gravy.
Philip: I can't do this. I can't give up my favorite foods cold turkey with... Oh, my God. Turkey. With pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes, butter-drenched dressing, tiny onions swimming in a sea of cream sauce.

Ashley: This is all my fault. I pushed Daddy way too hard on the tennis courts.
Hilary: No, Ashley, it was me. I scared him half to death with my stupid thrill-seeking.
Geoffrey: I'm afraid, dear family, that I am the culprit.
Vivian: What do you mean, Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Years of my rich sauces, prime cuts of beef, sumptuous desserts have certainly gone to his heart.
Vivian: Yes, but if I wasn't there to excuse his behavior this never would've happened.
Geoffrey: Good point.
Hilary: You can't blame yourself, Mom.
Vivian: "Oh, go ahead, Philip, have dessert. You've had a hard day." "Not to worry, we can let those pants out." "I'm too tired. Go downstairs and have a snack."

Will: What's up, Aunt Viv?
Vivian: Is that doctor still in with your uncle?
Will: Oh, yeah, he sure is, Aunt Viv. Oh, you know what? I heard the doctor say he thinks Uncle Phil might have Dunlap syndrome.
Ashley: Dunlap syndrome? What's that?
Will: Mean his belly done lapped over his belt.

Hilary: If you want a good workout, go with me tomorrow.
Philip: Where are you going?
Hilary: Shooting the rapids at Dead Man's Falls. See, my therapist said the only way for me to get over Trevor's death is to confront it.
Philip: But Trevor died doing a bungee jump.
Hilary: I know. I'm working up to that. Well, I'm off to my skydiving class.
Will: Whoa, whoa, Hil. That's not your parachute. That's my book bag.
Hilary: Whoops. That would've been embarrassing.

Ashley: Mom, I don't think we can go to the movies tonight.
Vivian: Why not?
Ashley: No one's gonna be home except for Dad and I'm afraid he's gonna cheat on his diet.
Philip: What? You don't think you can trust me?
Vivian: Don't worry, honey, there's no unhealthy food in the house and I'll take the car keys with me.
Philip: This is ridiculous.
Ashley: Okay, I'll put all the local pizza places on alert, and tell them not to deliver.
Philip: Doesn't my word mean anything to you?
Vivian: Of course it does, darling. Better call the Chinese restaurants too.

Carlton: Dad? Are you okay?
Philip: Me? I'll be fine. I'll be out of this bed in no time. How about you? Are you okay?
Carlton: Me? Sure, I mean... I should've come sooner, Dad, but I was scared. You're like Superman to me.
Philip: Yeah. Cheesecake is my kryptonite. I'm sorry I let you down, son.
Carlton: You could never let me down, Dad.
Philip: I love you. [they hug]
Man: Hey, Superman, ask junior to get me a bedpan.

Dr. Hangarter: Your health is no formality, Mr. Banks. A man carrying as much weight as you are at your age has got to face the facts.
Philip: Come on, I've kept myself in pretty good shape.
Dr. Hangarter: Well, your blood pressure's up. You've a history of high cholesterol.
Philip: Come on, I've got a heart like a bull.
Dr. Hangarter: Don't take it for granted. Although the heart is the strongest muscle, it has the most responsibility. There are a lot of things that can affect your heart.
[As Dr. Hangarter listens to Uncle Phil's heartbeat, it speeds up rapidly as Will enters the room, checks himself out in the mirror and waves goodbye]

Carlton: Hold on a minute. I'll have you know my father is not fat. He's just big-boned. Larger than life.
Will: Yeah, he's also larger than the Volvo.
Ashley: Will, it's not funny. Cholesterol is gathering in his arteries stopping the blood flow like rush-hour gridlock.
Carlton: Hold it, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Dad will probably outlive all of us.
Will: Only if he eats us first.