Geoffrey: Not to worry, madam. I'll care for the child as though he were my very own. [after Philip & Vivian leave] We'll draw straws for the little bugger. Short one loses.
Will: Oh, that would be you, Carlton.
Carlton: Har-de-har-har, but I've got a class.
Will: Well, wait a minute, I've got a job.
Ashley: I've got a match.
Hilary: I've got...
Will: A date with Mr. Stinky!

Woman: Two cappuccinos, please.
Will: Well, I'm hoping you like it dark, hot, sweet and with a spoon in it.
Woman: Could you hurry it up, please? I told that guy over there I'd buy him some coffee. Poor Todd. Trying to raise his baby all alone, hold down a job, go to school. I think it's just adorable.
Will: You do? I'm the same, baby. I mean, I'm holding down a job and going to school. About that baby part, if you ain't doing nothing later, I'm...

Will: Whoa, hold up, girl. I'm working this place by myself. Jackie's at an away game. And I ain't got no time for no "Give me my bottle and change my didy." "Wipe my booty." Hmm.
[later:]
Woman: Oh, Will, your little boy is just adorable.
Will: Well, like padre, like nino, you know what I'm saying?

Candace: Hi, hey. I'm Candace. Could I get a picture of you and your son together?
Will: Oh, yeah, sure.
Candace: How do you manage being a single father? Doesn't it get lonely?
Will: Well... You know, the nights is kind of bad. You know, because I have to be both Mommy and Daddy to little Willie Junior here since... Since Tirisha died.
Carlton: That's it. I'm not gonna stand another minute and listen to this.
Will: Hey! Isn't that who played Greg Brady?!
Carlton: Where? Hey, Greg, wait up!
Candace: You are quite a guy, Will. Just tell me everything about you.
Will: You mean, you want to be our friend?
Candace: Yeah.
Will: Hey, little Willie, we made a new friend. And she can sleep over any time she wants to.

Philip: Vivian. We used to go to a restaurant and not even be able to make it to the table. You remember the cloakroom at Mario's Peruvian?
Ashley: Excuse me, but when did I get old enough to hear this? Ugh.

Philip: Well, wait a minute, Will. How did you get hold of the baby? Wasn't Hilary supposed to watch him? Hilary?
Hilary: What? Oh, God, it's not like I left him at Sizzler... Dad.

Vivian: Don't worry, Nicky, Mommy's got you now. [sings] The wheels on the bus go round and round
Philip: Huh. I guess the only way I'm gonna get attention here is if I start wearing diapers.
Will: No, Uncle Phil, you got at least five years before you need them.

Carlton: Look, I won't let you use Nicky for evil anymore. Next time I'm going to the authorities.
Will: Thanks for the warning, Captain Weenie.

Will: Man, this is an embarrassment of riches.
Carlton: But what about me?
Will: You just an embarrassment, man.

Carlton: Oh, boy, are you in trouble. And I'd like to say, "Hey, I'm here for you" but, heck, I'd be lying.