Candace: Will, hi.
Will: What?! Hey, how are you doing? That's right. A beautiful woman here to see me!
Candace: I guess I should've told you I'm on the paper. Hope you're not mad.
Will: Mad? No, I ain't mad.
Candace: Then why are you yelling?
Will: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got I got a slight hearing problem. Deficiency, you know, from my night job at the target range.

Candace: Listen, I got a class now. Could you meet me here tomorrow morning, say, around 9:00?
Will: Yeah, sure.
Candace: Cool. Because I'd love to see that baby again.
Will: I think he has plans.
Candace: Oh, well, that's too bad because I was thinking maybe the three of us could do something really special together. And then while he's taking his little nappy, who knows?
Will: Well, he just a baby. How important could his plans be?
Candace: You're so cute.
Will: I know, I know, ain't I?
Candace: Okay, so I'll meet you here at 9:00 and you won't be sorry.
Will: Oh, I know I won't be sorry because I got me a woman! All I need is me a baby.

Vivian: Hi, baby.
Geoffrey: Hello, dear.
Philip: Are you talking to me?
Vivian: Of course I am. I know I've been ignoring you lately. So would you let me make it up to you?
Philip: Maybe.
[Philip and Vivian stop talking as they notice at Geoffrey watching them from the kitchen counter]
Geoffrey: Oh, all right. I've seen you both naked anyway.

Vivian: Philip, this is so wonderful. I have been working so hard, taking care of the baby night and day.
Philip: Yes, well, you just lay back and relax and let Daddy take care of you. Dim the lights, Vivian. [music plays] Oh, yes, baby. You know, sweetheart. For the longest time, I've had the feeling that the fire in our marriage had gone out. But now I know that the flame still burns. Can't get enough of your love, baby. Vivian? Vivian.
Vivian: [snores]
Philip: Vivian.

Will: Okay, look, Nicky, this is very important. Come on, repeat after me: "Da Da"?

Carlton: Ha! Caught you.
Will: Oh, no, it's Captain Weenie and his bag of tricks.
Carlton: You're despicable. I went to check up on my little brother this morning and what did I find? A zucchini. A zucchini, Will. Well, I've had enough of your twisted charade.
Will: Hey, man, what are you doing?
Carlton: Taking you down, mister. I'm calling Mom and Dad at the Bel-Air Hotel. You got change for a dollar?
Will: Oh, no, see, you gotta buy something.
Carlton: Okay, um, give me a pack of gum.
Will: Sorry, we're closed.
Carlton: Well, there's a world of change out there, mister and I'm going to find it.

Candace: Good morning, Will. I'm so glad you could make it. And little Willie too.
Will: Yeah, we came here straight from church. What's up with that special somethin'-somethin' you promised me?
Candace: Okay, close your eyes.
Will: Okay.
Candace: Now, I knew you wouldn't agree to this if I hadn't kept it a surprise.
Will: A surprise? What you talking about?
Candace: Surprise!
Jake Maxwell: Hey, man. Will Smith, you are live here on the Hart File Show. I'm your host, Jake Maxwell. And this is ULA's Father Of The Year. Guess you're pretty excited, huh, Will?
Will: Sorry, we're closed. Be open at 10.

Philip: Yeah, you better wake up, Vivian. Olive Oyl is looking awfully good right now.
Vivian: Oh, sweetie, I am sorry I fell asleep last night. But guess what. I'm wide awake now.
Philip: Quit it, quit it. I am not in the mood. Just move. You're blocking Bluto.

Jake Maxwell: [on TV] Will Smith, what's it like being a single father here in L.A.?
Will: [on TV] You know, I'm saying, you know, it ain't easy. You know, being a single father like me. But little Willie Will Willie Junior here makes everything worthwhile.
Vivian: Did you see my?
Philip: Let's dance, Vivian, huh?
Vivian: Oh, Philip, what in the world?
Philip: Nothing. Nothing. [baby cries on TV]
Vivian: That's my baby.
Philip: That's my zucchini.

Jake Maxwell: Daddy Will, the Hart File wants to make your life a little easier. So here's a year's supply of baby products for your son.
Carlton: Oh, this is ridiculous. What does he know about babies? This is his idea of a baby.
Jake Maxwell: Get that fruitcake out of here.
Carlton: Hey!