Will: Listen, I don't deserve all this stuff.
Jake Maxwell: That's right, young fella, you deserve a whole lot more. So how's about a holiday in Hawaii?
Will: Oh, look, I can't- I'm sorry, did you say Hawaii?
Jake Maxwell: Will, if it's not too painful, could you tell the folks at home a little bit about Tirisha?
Will: Who?
Jake Maxwell: Tirisha, your son's mother.
Will: Oh, that Tirisha. Yes, she's dead now. Um, I met her after I got back from fighting them oil fires, uh, in Kuwait. You know, and my hair, my eyebrows and everything had just started growing back. And um, General Powell said to me: "Yo, homey, you need to get down with a little R and R because you're looking a little singed." You know, so in China... He sent me to China. And then that's where we met. It was in a little-known province called Rae Dawn Chong. And... [sees Jackie] Well, sayonara.

Will: Look, it's just this little blurb in some dumb school newspaper! Freeze. Don't be coming over here with no attitude. This ain't my fault.
Jackie: Oh, whose was it then?
Will: Well, yours.
Jackie: What?
Will: You heard me. I'm saying, you know I can't be trusted. You wouldn't have left me here alone, none of this mess would ever have happened.
Jackie: That's it. I didn't come all the way here from Philly to hear this.
Will: Oh, this gonna happen, is it? Don't be all up in my grill.
Jackie: I am tired- Oh, get out of my face!
Will: Don't be up in my grill!
Jackie: Now, you need to shut- I'm out of here!
Will: Excuse me, excuse me! You know what?
Both: You ain't never gonna change! I'm getting the last word! Oh, no, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Damn!

Vivian: Philip, honey, can I speak to you a minute, please? Is this a good idea, honey? Do you think we can rely on them to take care of the B-A-B-Y?
Hilary: Who's Bobby?
Vivian: The baby.
Hilary: Mom, his name is Nicky.

Hilary: Will, you've gotta help me. I took Nicky shopping, but I can't try anything on. I mean, he just lies there watching me get undressed and making these tiny little drool bubbles and... He reminds me of Trevor.

Philip: Vivian, sweetheart I love you and I miss you. And that's why we're going to have lunch this afternoon at La Teau.
Vivian: Oh, I'd love to, honey. But I don't think Nicky is ready for restaurants yet.
Philip: I was talking about us, Vivian. We're going to kiss. We're going to have a romantic, baby-free good time.
Will: Uncle Phil, I think you should be more concerned with a cholesterol-free good time.

Vivian: Hi, honey, your dad and I just had the most romantic lunch.
Philip: Romantic? I don't mean to be critical, Vivian but you did mention the baby, what, three or four dozen times?
Vivian: It was so romantic when you asked that strolling violinist to play my favorite song.
Philip: Yes. And what did you request? "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round."
Vivian: [sings] The wheels on the bus go round and round...

Vivian: Excuse me. Geoffrey, where's the baby?
Geoffrey: The baby? Ah, the baby. Actually, Miss Hilary insisted on taking him out for the afternoon. And since the poor girl's still so depressed about Trevor I hadn't the heart to refuse.
Hilary: [enters] Hi, everybody. Geoffrey, could you give me a hand? I left the most important thing in the car.
Vivian: Hilary. You left the baby alone in the car?
Hilary: Mother, I would never do that. How irresponsible do you think I am?
Philip: Well, then where's the baby?
Hilary: I don't know.
Hilary: Mom, you have to see these earrings I bought. The little diamonds spell out-
Vivian: Hilary!
Hilary: How did you know?

Philip: You know, Will, if you had pulled a stunt like this when you were in high school, God knows what I would've done. Why, I might've done something like this... [sits down on Will]

Will: [on the phone] Jackie, now how you gonna play me? You left me in charge here. How come you can't trust me?
Jackie: Because I grew up with you. Now, did you do everything on my list?
Will: Well, yeah, Miss Daisy. I cleaned the windows. I cleaned the floor. I even cleaned the ceiling. Hey, look, you are talking to one tired freshman here, Miss Boss Lady.
Jackie: Well, I am impressed.
Will: As well you should be. Shame on you not trusting me. Now, you kick butt in that game.
Jackie: All right, bye.
Will: Bye bye. [hangs up] Hey. Good job, Harold. Hey, you know, Agnes. I don't know why your daughter doesn't call you. Hey. Break time's over, Sol.

Philip: And one of you will babysit.
Carlton: Big poopy.
Philip: What did you say?
Carlton: Oh, I said: "Beg, puppy" to my pretend dog, Ernie. Fetch, Ernie. He's gone now.