Ashley: Maybe I'd just be better off being invisible.
Will: I'm sorry, what'd you say, Ash?

Philip: [answers phone] Hello. Hello, Dr. Graham. Yes, this is Philip Banks. Fine, fine, thank you, and how are you? Unusual? I see. Are you sure? Okay, I'll tell her right away. Thank you. Thank you, Doctor. [hangs up] Vivian, you better sit down.
Vivian: I am sitting down. Philip, is there something wrong with the baby?
Philip: No, that was the doctor. He just said that he thinks that we're having twins.
Vivian: Twins!
Hilary: Oh, my God!
Carlton: Two birds! Two birds!
[Uncle Phil passes out]

Philip: I remember something about twins and I have this incredible urge for a sausage.
Vivian: Philip, the doctor called, but there must be some mistake. I couldn't possibly be having twins.
Carlton: We'll have to split the inheritance four ways thanks to Forget-the-pill Phil.
Hilary: Is that all you think about?
Carlton: [nods] Pretty much.

Vivian: [answers phone] Hello. Yes, Doctor. You know, I figured there must be some mistake. I knew I couldn't possibly be having twins. Triplets?
Geoffrey: [on the phone] [Southern accent] That's right, Mrs. Banks. You'll be having three little ones so I suggest a lot more help. Preferably a young nanny amply endowed, with no inhibitions.
Philip: [clears throat]
Geoffrey: Oh, hello. Might I get you anything?
Philip: An explanation.
Geoffrey: Mid-life crisis.
Vivian: Geoffrey, why did you do it?
Geoffrey: I'm terribly sorry, madam. It was just the thought of one more person to clean up after was more than I could bear.
Vivian: Geoffrey, this baby is all of our responsibility and I promise you we will not leave you with all the work.

Hilary: I don't know if I want to have kids.
Ashley: Why not?
Hilary: I told you, I don't know.
Vivian: Oh, Hilary, honey, you're gonna change your mind. Having kids makes life worthwhile.

Will: Boy, I just can't wait. I mean, I'm gonna have the perfect life with a perfect wife and perfect kids.
It's perfect.
[fantasy:]
Will: Honey, I'm home.
Shantay: Hi, dear, did you have a tough day shooting the naked centerfolds?
Will: Uh, yeah, babe, it was hell. Today we shot La Toya Jackson. And I had to keep turning the lights off 'cause she was melting.
Shantay: You poor baby. Why don't you glue yourself to the television set, completely ignore me and play Nintendo until you're too tired to make love?
Will: You mean you don't mind?
Shantay: Have I ever? I'm perfect.

[fantasy:]
Shantay: I'm sorry, dear. Did you want something?
Will: Yes, I'd like to know what pods these kids came from.
Shaquille: Actually, Father, we came from a zygote. You see, in human reproduction...
Will: Uh, knock it off. Ever since you won that Nobel Prize you think you're so doggone smart.
Shantay: Honey, you seem tense.
Will: I am tense. Everybody all perfect, baby, I don't know.
Shantay: Why don't I send the children away and dress up in that French maid's uniform and give you a nice hot-oil massage?
Will: You, you, you! Why must everything always be about you? What about my needs?
Shantay: I'm sorry, honey. What do you want?
Will: I want a girl with extensions in her hair and bamboo earrings, at least two pair. I want kids that pick their noses sometimes and roll me when I'm drunk. I mean, I want a dirty house. No, I want a dirty house. I want to argue in public, you know. I want you to have a headache sometime. I want a regular life. I want a regular marriage.
Shantay: Sweetheart, you seem upset. Let's all give Daddy a great big hug.
Will: No! No!

Ashley: See, Will, I told you this baby thing was a lousy idea. Kids aren't all they're cracked up to be. And I know, I used to be one.

Hilary: Maybe you guys are right. We shouldn't be so selfish and think about ourselves all the time Geoffrey.
Carlton: Well, I guess I don't mind sharing my inheritance with the baby.
Philip: We're not dead yet, Carlton.
Carlton: Hey, it's a cruel world, big guy, and you're not going to be in it forever.

Vivian: Come on. Now, now, come on, let's not spoil the mood. Come on, let's go to dinner, huh?
Philip: Okay.
Will: Yeah. All right.
Vivian: You, too, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Zip-a-dee, and might I add doo-dah!