Eric: Well, I know some pretty horrible things about you, too, little lady. Fellas... Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
Laurie: In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.
Eric: You stuffed in high school.
Laurie: So did you.
Eric: Last year, Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager. Which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.
Laurie: Well... That's not as bad as when I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster, and you were all...
Eric: Laurie was born with a tail! [Fez gasps]
Hyde: What?
Eric: Yeah, Laurie was born with a tail.
Laurie: I hate you! [runs out]
Eric: It's true.

Hyde: Boy, Laurie, you really liked that hot dog. You didn't even chew it.
Laurie: Oh, hey, Hyde, Father's Day is coming up. Shouldn't you practice saying "Hi, are you my daddy?"
Hyde: Oh, by the way, Laurie, the surgeon general called. He wanted you to stop hoarding all the penicillin.
Laurie: You know, when you're in prison, your bad table manners will probably just be a turn-on for some guy named Tank.
Hyde: Oh, well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you can ask him to take it easy on me.
Laurie: Oh, yeah, well... Nice hair.

Kelso: Oh, hey, you guys, guess what part of my body I nicknamed Pink Floyd?
Donna: Shut up.
Kelso: Well, Jackie thought it was cute.

Donna: I was over at Jackie's this morning. She is so down. It's really depressing.
Kelso: She's taking the breakup pretty hard, huh? Cool.
Hyde: Shut up, man. You cried like a baby.
Kelso: Whoa, I did not cry. I had something in my eye.
Hyde: For a week?
Kelso: I have allergies, all right? Is it so wrong to feel?

Fez: Nothing will stop me from asking Jackie on a date. Not even ninjas.
[fantasy: a shirtless Fez stands in front of a group of ninjas in a back alley:]
Fez: [badly lip-synced] Stand back. I want Jackie, and no one will stop me.
Ninja Warrior: You cannot have Jackie. I will disable you with my cat-like swiftness.
Fez: Oh, yeah?
Ninja Warrior: Yeah.
Fez: Oh, yeah?
Ninja Warrior: Yeah.
Fez: Oh. [fights ninjas] Hiya!
[reality:]
Kelso: Fez.
Fez: What?
Kelso: Go ahead, Fez. Ask Jackie out. She won't go 'cause you're foreign, but go ahead and ask.
Fez: You're damn right I will. Hiya.

Kitty: No, Laurie, I am not giving you $15 for new hot rollers. Straight hair is not the end of the world.
Eric: Actually, Mom, Laurie's world is a lot smaller and much more shallow than the average person's.
Laurie: Come on, Mom. Curls are important for my self-esteem.
Eric: Oh, you know what else might be good for your self-esteem? Not being the village whore.
Laurie: Are you trying to start something with me, little boy? Because while you have to go to work, all I have to do is sit around and think up ways to hurt you.
Eric: Oh, I don't know. As village whore, I'd think your day's all full up.
Laurie: Shut up!
Eric: Ha! I win.

Eric: Okay, fine, Hyde. You don't want to tell me what Laurie said about me? I'm fine with that.
Hyde: I'm telling you, man. She didn't say anything.
Eric: Uh-huh. Right. Because, I mean, that's what Laurie's known for. Not saying bitchy things.
Kelso: Hey, Hyde. What did Laurie say about Eric?
Hyde: I'll tell you later, man. It's so bad. Funny, but bad.
Eric: Okay, you got nothing.
Hyde: Huh? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got nothing. [chuckles]
Eric: Okay, fine. I don't care. She told you about summer camp, right? Fine. They called me Dr. Pee-pee. I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was 10, so... You know, who cares, I'm Dr. Pee-pee. I'm... Dr. Pee-pee.
Kelso: [laughs] Dr. Pee-pee. You are so Dr. Pee-pee.
Eric: Oh, really. Big Chief Brown Bottom.
Kelso: I'm sorry. Sorry, man, sorry. Just... everyone shut up.

Kitty: Okay, Red. I'm very sorry I pawned that necklace.
Red: That's okay. I've been thinking about it, and it's no big deal. Let's just let bygones be bygones. What do you say, pretty lady?
Kitty: What did you do?
Red: A few months ago, I pawned the pocket watch your dad gave me. So we're even. Let's just get on with our lives.
Kitty: Oh, Red, how could you?
Red: Well, Kitty... Who the hell needs a damn pocket watch? "What time is it?" "I don't know. I'll check my pocket." See what I mean? That's just stupid.
Kitty: Oh, Red.
Red: And I pawned the lawn mower and Eric's old phonograph player and the snow blower.
Kitty: We had a snow blower?
Red: Actually, it was Bob's.
Kitty: Well, why'd you get so mad at me?
Red: I got mad at myself. Look, it's the man's job to support the family. And if he can't do that, it's the man's job to pawn the things to feed the family that he can't support!
Kitty: Okay. Okay. You know, Bob's been looking for that snow blower.
Red: Yeah, I know, Kitty. And believe you me... I'm running out of stories.

Donna: Anyway, Jackie's, like, in really bad shape.
Fez: So, Kelso, now that you and Jackie are no longer an item... Um, I can ask her out, right?
Kelso: What? No. Since when do you like Jackie?
Donna: Yeah, Fez, I don't think that's a good idea.
Hyde: Yeah, Fez, man, that's a bad idea. Jackie's on the rebound right now. Why don't you just give her a break?
Kelso: What? Since when do you like Jackie? All right, does everybody here now like Jackie?
Eric: [raises hand] I still don't.
Kelso: Well, thank you, Eric.

Donna: Fez, Hyde's just saying that Jackie's really vulnerable right now.
Fez: Yes, so I must move fast before she gets her self-esteem back.
Kelso: Yeah, you can't blame her for being down. After all, I did dump her.
Eric: Actually, she dumped you.
Kelso: Hey, I don't like to get into specifics.
Fez: Oh, go tell it on the mountain.