Red: Okay, let's get a couple of things straight. I don't want to be here. You don't want to be here.
Fez: I want to be here.
Red: Fine. I don't want to be here and I don't care what you want.
Fez: Okay, then, are you buckled up?
Red: Yes.
Fez: Hmm. Because the little blinking man on the dashboard says you aren't. Buckle up.
Red: No.
Fez: Yes.
Red: No. Look, start this car or I'm gonna pack you in a crate, take you down to the port, and trade you for a year's supply of bananas.

Red: Still not speaking to me, huh?
Fez: Fine, I'll speak. I spent all day running your bald, grumpy ass around town and do I get a thanks? No. Because you're unpleasant.
Red: You want to know why I'm unpleasant? I just had a heart attack and now I have to be driven around like a useless dope by the idiot that married my daughter and gave me the heart attack in the first place. But I am also unpleasant because I just spent the entire day cooped up in the car breathing that mustard gas you call cologne. But mostly, I'm unpleasant because that's how it works in this family.
Fez: I'm family?
Red: Oh, crap.

Donna: Eric, what is happening to you?
Eric: Look, Donna, I'm sorry, but I'm not regressing. You gotta understand, I'm the man of this house now.
Kitty: [enters] Okay, who's ready for Spidey and a sandwich?
Eric: Me!
Donna: Mrs. Forman, your son is a big, lazy child because you keep babying him.
Kitty: I don't baby him.
Donna: Is there crust on that sandwich?
Kitty: Well, of course not. Crusts are icky. They make Eric sicky. Oh, my God, I'm ruining him. Eric, things are going to change around here, drastically. Tomorrow, you are getting a sandwich with the crusts on. And no more crazy straws. You will be drinking your chocolate milk from a standard straw. Now, who's hungry?
Hyde: I call sandwich.
Kelso: I call Spidey.
Fez: I call sandwich you haven't made yet.

Eric: Life is a cabaret, my friend.
Hyde: We didn't work until 1:00. We got off at 10:00 and played poker.
Eric: Hyde, let's not weigh ourselves down with the truth here. When I started working full-time, I thought that my life was gonna be a total grind, but my mom, Donna, they can't do enough for me. Look at this. Heart shaped sandwiches. Donna's giving me sexy naps. As God as my witness, I will never go hungry or horny again.

Kitty: Will you please wear the ironed underwear? I have a reputation to protect.
Red: Eric, you're driving me to my doctor's appointment. Please put on pants.
Kitty: Eric is a little tired from working so late, so I found someone else to drive you.
[cut to:]
Fez: Jump in, Smokey. Bandit's on the move.

Donna: Hey. You awake?
Eric: Well, if I were asleep, there would be six of you all making out with yourselves, so...
Donna: I can't believe how late you have to stay at the restaurant.
Eric: Well, you know that grated cheese you like so much? Gets grated the night before. Yeah, little thing we like to call "prep," so...
Donna: I love it when you use restaurant talk.
Eric: Donna, I have to warn you, I'm exhausted, so you're gonna have to do all the work.
Donna: Why should today be any different?

Kelso: Okay. I need to know what to do on a first date with a woman who's carrying my child.
Hyde: Hold her while she weeps.
Kelso: Hey, wait, what if you guys came to dinner with me and Brooke? Make it easier to find stuff to talk about.
Hyde: No. No, man. There's no way I'm going on a date with your ex-girlfriend who is now my girlfriend, and your new girlfriend who doesn't want to be your girlfriend but is pregnant with your child. It's like hillbilly territory.
Kelso: I'll pay.
Hyde: I'm in.

Eric: Well, I was woken from my afternoon nap by my girlfriend for some afternoon delight. After which, I took another afternoon nap. You know what I have right in the palm of my hand?
Hyde: No one wants to know that. Just wash up.

Red: Hey, look, there's the Elks lodge. Pull over.
Fez: But I thought we would celebrate the good checkup. There's this pie down at the coffee shop I've been flirting with for days.
Red: How about this for a celebration? I'm going in there with my buddies and you wait in the car.
Fez: But that doesn't sound like fun.
Red: Well, that's how we celebrate in America.

Red: Okay, let's head for home. [Fez is silent] So, now you're not gonna talk?
Fez: Why should I talk? My feelings are obviously of no consequence to you.
Red: All right, maybe I stayed a little longer than I expected. Hey, look, how about we stop for some pie?
Fez: No.
Red: Oh, come on. Let me get you a pie.
Fez: I am not in the mood.
Red: Oh, just let me buy you...
Fez: There will be no pie!