Kelso: You know, I'm gonna take Red's car. I know he's got to hide a key in there somewhere.
Red: Are you brain-damaged?
Kelso: Fez, did you just say, "Are you brain-damaged?" and sound exactly like Red?
Fez: Kelso, you know I only do Johnny Carson and Pepe Le Pew.
Red: Get away from my car.
Kelso: Your car, my car. Aren't we all just driving the same car? It's a car called "life."
Red: How about I drive my foot into this thing called your ass?
Kelso: A simple "no" would suffice.

Red: Shoes are an inappropriate gift to give another man.
Kitty: Well, what about when you joined the service? Another man issued you your boots.
Red: But then he gave me a gun, so I let it go.
Kitty: Well, why don't you just accept the shoes because Bob is your friend?
Red: You don't understand how men work. We don't give each other presents. We pretty much ignore each other until someone scores a touchdown.
Kitty: You should listen to me. I know how to be a friend, and you obviously don't, since you don't have any.
Red: I have plenty of friends. Charlie's a friend. He saved my life during the war.
Kitty: And when is the last time you talked to Charlie?
Red: We said all we needed to say on the boat back home.

Red: I'm throwing them away, Bob. Look, I appreciate the thought. No, well, that's not true. I mean, shoes are a weird gift to give another man. I mean, what's next? A weekend in Cancun?
Bob: Okay, fine. I bought the shoes for myself, but they pinch my toes, so I decided to pawn them off on you as a gift.
Red: You were just trying to screw me over? Well, I can respect that. Thanks for the shoes, Bob. [shakes Bob's hand] See, I have a friend.
Kitty: No, no. This is not the way friends act. He was gonna throw away your present, Bob.
Bob: Come on, Kitty. I gave him shoes. That's weird. I'm surprised you didn't punch me in the face right then.
Red: I almost did. [both laugh]

Bob: So when do I get my car back?
Donna: Well, I don't know. We're scouting places to have the wedding.
Bob: You don't need to scout anywhere but the inside of a church. What better place to start a happy life than Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow?
Donna: Well, Dad, the thing is we're not getting married in a church.
Eric: But we are thinking about getting married at Mount Hump, which is sort of the church of humping.
Bob: Well, no church, no car, just like it says in the Bible.

Donna: So, guys, guess what? I found the perfect place for me and Eric to get married. [silence] "Where, Donna? Please tell us." Okay. Well, that place up by the lake that overlooks the entire valley where people go for romance.
Eric: Wait, Mount Hump? People don't go there for the romance, Donna. They go there for the humping.
Donna: Eric, let's go out there tomorrow and check it out. I know the Cruiser's in the shop, but we can take my dad's car.
Eric: Donna, he's got that "Honk if you're horny" bumper sticker.
Donna: Yeah, well, I'd scrape it off, but "I brake for boobies" is underneath it.

Kelso: Hey, Eric, I have to ask you a very important question. Can I borrow your G.I. Joe for a little experiment?
Eric: No.
Kelso: I thought you were going to say yes. And, by the way, the experiment was a success. G.I. Joe melts faster than cheese.
Eric: Kelso, you can't just take my things without asking permission.
Kelso: Come on, we're friends. I figured, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. What's Donna's is mine, too.
Donna: Kelso!
Kelso: Yeah, Barbie didn't make it either. No one likes to see civilian casualties.

Bob: You're welcome, big guy.
Red: What's this for?
Bob: No reason. I was just thinking about you and how we've been through a lot together.
Red: No, we haven't.
Kitty: Oh, he gave you shoes. What do you say, Red?
Red: What the hell is wrong with you?
Kitty: Or we say, "Thank you very much."
Red: Well... [chuckles] Don't you think it's a little odd for a man to give another man a pair of shoes?
Bob: I saw them. I thought they'd go nice with your tan pants.
Red: Quit thinking about my pants. My legs and what covers them is my business. [exits]
Kitty: He's very sensitive about his legs. You know, he shouldn't be. They're shapely like a lady dancer. Maybe that's why he's so sensitive.

Jackie: Surprise!
Hyde: Jackie, what the hell happened to my room?
Jackie: I redecorated it. Now, if a stranger comes in here, he'd never know you were poor.
Hyde: it looks like something for a girl.
Fez: I like it.
Hyde: Or Fez! I can't live like this. I'm getting sick just looking at it.
Jackie: Yes. Yes, Steven. That sick feeling is your orphan soul coming alive.
Hyde: Jackie, just put it all back, okay? Make it ugly and dirty like I like it.
Jackie: Well, excuse me, for spending all morning putting up twinkle lights that are breathtaking, pillows as soft as marshmallows, and sexy candles that make you feel like you're running through a field like Laura freaking Ingalls!

Fez: Okay, okay. We came here for a reason. Now, should I start and you watch or should you start and I watch? Either way, I'll be done first.

Fez: So I told Hyde he could watch while Jackie and I do it, and then he beat my ass with a twinkle light.
Kelso: Where's my van? No, I parked it right here.
Fez: Calm down, you probably just lost it again. Where was the last place you had it?
Kelso: Right here! Somebody stole my van!
Fez: [gasps] That's horrible! I left a brand-new bag of Tootsie Rolls in there.
Kelso: Fez!
Fez: Okay, okay. It was just half a bag. But if you talk to the insurance company, just tell them it was a whole bag.
Kelso: I finally got Brooke to trust me, and if I don't take her to this doctor's appointment, I'm dead. What am I gonna do?
Fez: Don't beat yourself up. It's only Tootsie Rolls.