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‘Eric's Hot Cousin’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

That '70s Show: Eric's Hot Cousin

414. Eric's Hot Cousin

Aired January 22, 2002

Eric's cousin, Penny, who he used to torment visits Point Place and appears to have feelings for him. Meanwhile, Donna and Jackie fall asleep under a tanning light, and Kitty wants to get a pet.

Quote from Red

Kitty: Have you seen that little stray cat that's been hanging around our house?
Red: Oh, yeah, I met him this morning. Then he met the hose. Kitty, we don't need more things hanging around our house. We already have Steven and Kelso and... foreign kid.
Kitty: Yeah, but they're always busy. Maybe I should get my own cat. I'm not working. I'm home all day.
Red: Here's my problem with cats. Best-case scenario: You get the smartest cat in the world, he still craps in your house.
Kitty: Well, it's just, it would be nice to have something to take care of.
Red: I'll tell you what, Kitty. Instead of getting a cat, why don't we all just stop flushing? It's the same thing!


Quote from Fez

Kelso: Hey, guys? I'm thinking about getting a perm. Hyde, can I get the number of your guy?
Hyde: I don't have a "guy," dumbass. This righteous moss is a gift from God.
Fez: God gave me a perm, too, but he hit me below the belt.

Quote from Kitty

Red: Kitty? What happened?
Kitty: Fluffy died.
Red: Well, if it's any consolation, fish are never even really alive. They're just less dead.
Kitty: I know. You know, he wasn't good company, but at least he was company. [Red sighs] Red, I'm unhappy.
Red: Oh, I gotta go to the store.
Kitty: I am a nurturer. I am not gonna be satisfied nurturing something you'd win at a carnival.
Red: Kitty, what do you want? I'll get you anything you want. Not a cat.
Kitty: I want to go back to the hospital to work.
Red: Oh. As long as it's not a cat, I'm good.
Kitty: Okay, I think what you mean is, "I'm glad you're doing what makes you happy."
Red: Oh, of course. And I'm sorry that your fish died.
Kitty: Don't be. I flushed it.

Quote from Kelso

Hyde: What are you doing, Forman?
Eric: My stupid Cousin Penny from Florida is coming this weekend so my mom's making me clean the basement. [uses aerosol spray] And I'm done.
Hyde: Penny?
Eric: God, she was always such a tattletale. "Eric's stealing cookies." "Eric's playing with fire." "Eric's touching himself."
Kelso: Yeah, but Eric got her back. He hit her with the old Ben Gay on the toothbrush and the over-the-shoulder wedgie and the butt-face gas attack.
Fez: Butt-face gas attack?
Kelso: I'll show you later.
Fez: Thank you.
Hyde: Of, Forman, my favorite was when you trapped her in the revolving door at the library and kept spinning her.
Kelso: Yeah, she ralphed and then she had to keep walking through the puddle. 'Cause it's a revolving door. [chuckles] It spins in circles. That's its nature.

Quote from Red

Red: Surprise! This ought to keep you company during the week.
Kitty: Roy's Pet Store? Red, you got me a cat.
Red: Well, it's like a cat.
Kitty: A fish? Red, it's a fish.
Red: See? It's like a cat. They're both pets.
Kitty: No, they're not. Pets are called "pets" because you pet them. How do I pet this thing?
Red: Well, you just reach in and corner it and give it a rub. That's the thing about fish: They just love the feel of the human hand.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Oh, my God. Donna, you're totally burned.
Donna: Really? [gives the hand mirror to Jackie]
Jackie: [gasps] What have you done to me?
Donna: Me? This was your stupid idea.
Jackie: Did you call me "stupid"? [punches Donna's arm]
Donna: Ow! [slaps Jackie's arm]
Jackie: Ow! Lobster face! [slaps Donna's arm]
Donna: Ow! Little Red Riding Bitch! [slaps Jackie's arm]
Jackie: Oh, my God. Okay. Now, okay, let's just call a truce.
Donna: Fine. [Jackie slaps her arm] Ow!

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: [to her fish] Don't look at me. Mrs. Paul killed these. Here. So must get pretty boring living in a fishbowl, huh? Gets pretty boring around here too. You know, I used to work at a hospital, and taking care of people... [chuckles] It felt so good to be needed. You know, like- like part of a team? [fish's P.O.V:] You know, people really depended on me, which I kind of miss. Oh, at least I don't- I don't miss the bedpans. [laughs]

Quote from Eric

Donna: Hey, what's up?
Hyde: Forman wants to nail his cousin.
Eric: No. No, no, no, she's not my cousin. She was adopted. And what the hell happened to your face?
Donna: What the hell happened to yours?
Jackie: Burn!
Eric: Yeah, I gotta admit, Donna, that was a nice burn. And I don't mean what you said just there. I mean your face. Nice burn.
Donna: Hey, you know, if you ever need a date for prom, you can just flip through the family album.
Eric: Oh, God. You're just jealous because Penny is incredibly hot and you're a throbbing red pile.
Donna: Eric, my sunburn will fade, but your shame will last forever.
Eric: Yeah, well, at least my shame won't peel. [laughs]

Quote from Red

Eric: No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.
Penny: I'm not adopted.
Eric: Wh- What? What? She's lying.
Kitty: Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now, what is going on?
Eric: I'm... sleepwalking.
Red: And I'm about to be "sleepkicking" your ass.

Quote from Kitty

Penny: Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?
Eric: A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.
Penny: Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?
Eric: Yes! Oh. Mom, Dad, can- Can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
Red: No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
Eric: No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.
Kitty: Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

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