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Eric's Hot Cousin

‘Eric's Hot Cousin’

Season 4, Episode 14 -  Aired January 22, 2002

Eric's cousin, Penny, who he used to torment visits Point Place and appears to have feelings for him. Meanwhile, Donna and Jackie fall asleep under a tanning light, and Kitty wants to get a pet.

Quote from Red

Kitty: Have you seen that little stray cat that's been hanging around our house?
Red: Oh, yeah, I met him this morning. Then he met the hose. Kitty, we don't need more things hanging around our house. We already have Steven and Kelso and... foreign kid.
Kitty: Yeah, but they're always busy. Maybe I should get my own cat. I'm not working. I'm home all day.
Red: Here's my problem with cats. Best-case scenario: You get the smartest cat in the world, he still craps in your house.
Kitty: Well, it's just, it would be nice to have something to take care of.
Red: I'll tell you what, Kitty. Instead of getting a cat, why don't we all just stop flushing? It's the same thing!


Quote from Fez

Kelso: Hey, guys? I'm thinking about getting a perm. Hyde, can I get the number of your guy?
Hyde: I don't have a "guy," dumbass. This righteous moss is a gift from God.
Fez: God gave me a perm, too, but he hit me below the belt.

Quote from Kitty

Red: Kitty? What happened?
Kitty: Fluffy died.
Red: Well, if it's any consolation, fish are never even really alive. They're just less dead.
Kitty: I know. You know, he wasn't good company, but at least he was company. [Red sighs] Red, I'm unhappy.
Red: Oh, I gotta go to the store.
Kitty: I am a nurturer. I am not gonna be satisfied nurturing something you'd win at a carnival.
Red: Kitty, what do you want? I'll get you anything you want. Not a cat.
Kitty: I want to go back to the hospital to work.
Red: Oh. As long as it's not a cat, I'm good.
Kitty: Okay, I think what you mean is, "I'm glad you're doing what makes you happy."
Red: Oh, of course. And I'm sorry that your fish died.
Kitty: Don't be. I flushed it.

Quote from Kelso

Hyde: What are you doing, Forman?
Eric: My stupid Cousin Penny from Florida is coming this weekend so my mom's making me clean the basement. [uses aerosol spray] And I'm done.
Hyde: Penny?
Eric: God, she was always such a tattletale. "Eric's stealing cookies." "Eric's playing with fire." "Eric's touching himself."
Kelso: Yeah, but Eric got her back. He hit her with the old Ben Gay on the toothbrush and the over-the-shoulder wedgie and the butt-face gas attack.
Fez: Butt-face gas attack?
Kelso: I'll show you later.
Fez: Thank you.
Hyde: Of, Forman, my favorite was when you trapped her in the revolving door at the library and kept spinning her.
Kelso: Yeah, she ralphed and then she had to keep walking through the puddle. 'Cause it's a revolving door. [chuckles] It spins in circles. That's its nature.

Quote from Red

Red: Surprise! This ought to keep you company during the week.
Kitty: Roy's Pet Store? Red, you got me a cat.
Red: Well, it's like a cat.
Kitty: A fish? Red, it's a fish.
Red: See? It's like a cat. They're both pets.
Kitty: No, they're not. Pets are called "pets" because you pet them. How do I pet this thing?
Red: Well, you just reach in and corner it and give it a rub. That's the thing about fish: They just love the feel of the human hand.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Oh, my God. Donna, you're totally burned.
Donna: Really? [gives the hand mirror to Jackie]
Jackie: [gasps] What have you done to me?
Donna: Me? This was your stupid idea.
Jackie: Did you call me "stupid"? [punches Donna's arm]
Donna: Ow! [slaps Jackie's arm]
Jackie: Ow! Lobster face! [slaps Donna's arm]
Donna: Ow! Little Red Riding Bitch! [slaps Jackie's arm]
Jackie: Oh, my God. Okay. Now, okay, let's just call a truce.
Donna: Fine. [Jackie slaps her arm] Ow!

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: [to her fish] Don't look at me. Mrs. Paul killed these. Here. So must get pretty boring living in a fishbowl, huh? Gets pretty boring around here too. You know, I used to work at a hospital, and taking care of people... [chuckles] It felt so good to be needed. You know, like- like part of a team? [fish's P.O.V:] You know, people really depended on me, which I kind of miss. Oh, at least I don't- I don't miss the bedpans. [laughs]

Quote from Eric

Donna: Hey, what's up?
Hyde: Forman wants to nail his cousin.
Eric: No. No, no, no, she's not my cousin. She was adopted. And what the hell happened to your face?
Donna: What the hell happened to yours?
Jackie: Burn!
Eric: Yeah, I gotta admit, Donna, that was a nice burn. And I don't mean what you said just there. I mean your face. Nice burn.
Donna: Hey, you know, if you ever need a date for prom, you can just flip through the family album.
Eric: Oh, God. You're just jealous because Penny is incredibly hot and you're a throbbing red pile.
Donna: Eric, my sunburn will fade, but your shame will last forever.
Eric: Yeah, well, at least my shame won't peel. [laughs]

Quote from Red

Eric: No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.
Penny: I'm not adopted.
Eric: Wh- What? What? She's lying.
Kitty: Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now, what is going on?
Eric: I'm... sleepwalking.
Red: And I'm about to be "sleepkicking" your ass.

Quote from Kitty

Penny: Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?
Eric: A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.
Penny: Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?
Eric: Yes! Oh. Mom, Dad, can- Can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
Red: No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
Eric: No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.
Kitty: Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

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