Donna: Hey, guys. So, Jackie, Eric won't invite me to dinner tonight. So, do you want to, like, go to the mall or something?
Jackie: That's cool.
Donna: Wait. What do you mean?
Jackie: [gasps] Oh, my God, it worked. I mean... whatever.

Kelso: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Red: What? What?
Kelso: You guys started eatin' without me? That is so rude! I'm just kiddin'! [laughs]
Kitty: [laughs] Well, Eric, you must've forgotten to mention that you invited Michael to dinner tonight.
Eric: Oh, right. Uh... Yeah, I guess I did. Oh, and there are my chocolates. The chocolates that I asked you to bring over to me. Ooh, Fanny Farmer. [mouths] My favorite.
Kelso: No, no. Those are for Laurie.
Red: Kelso, what the hell are you doing here?
Eric: Dad! Uh... nougat?

Kelso: Don't worry, Red. I got somethin' for you, too. Ah...
Red: Five beers?
Kelso: Uh, yeah. They were all out of six-packs. Weird, huh?
Hyde: Let me help you out with that there, Red.
Red: Are you takin' a beer?
Hyde: Hey, focus, man! He's dating your daughter!

Red: Kitty, I don't want our daughter dating that kettle-head.
Kitty: Well, maybe it's just a phase.
Red: No. He's been a kettle-head since...
Kitty: No. No. I meant Laurie.
Red: This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun. And then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.
Kitty: Oh, honey, they're not gonna get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant. [laughs] Oh, okay. I see Mr. Smiley isn't in town today.

Red: I expected more from her. What the hell is she doing with some high-school kid? She went to college!
Kitty: Well, she did flunk out.
Red: Oh, Kitty... I can see how their future is gonna turn out... and it's not good.
[fantasy - The Future, 1997:]
Fez: More mashed potatoes, Red?
Red: Why, thank you, Servotron 2000. Oh, that's cold. Damn foreign robots.
Laurie: Oh, it's so nice to have dinner with the family like this.
Kelso: Yeah. It's a good thing we found a baby-sitting droid for the quintuplets.
Kitty: So, Michael, how's the job hunt going?
Kelso: Great! They had a real short line at the unemployment office, so I got home in time to catch the end of The Space Price is Right.
Laurie: You know, times are tough for me and Kelso right now. You'll help us, won't you, Daddy?
Red: I'll always be there for you, honey.
Kelso: I think she means financially, Red.
Red: I know what she means... kettle-head.
Kelso: You're giving us more money... right, dude?
Red: Yes, damn it!
Kelso: All right. All right. Hey, Laurie, I think it's time for our "nap".
Red: All right! That's it! I've gotta go to Saturn on business for a week. Now, when I get back, you better have a job, or it's off to the asteroid mines for you!
Fez: Don't forget your briefcase, Red.
Red: Thank you, Servotron 2000. Now, roll back the roof, 'cause I gotta go. Jet pack, blast off!
[reality:]
Kitty: Red. Red.
Red: [clears throat] That's it. I'm just gonna tell her that she can't see him anymore.
Kitty: Nope, nope. You can't do that, Red. In fact, the more we fight it, the more she's gonna want to be with... kettle-head.
Red: At this rate, I'm gonna have a heart attack before I even get my jet pack.

Red: Have a seat, Kelso. You know, I've been thinking a lot about your relationship with my only daughter.
Kelso: She's a gem.
Red: [picks up pliers] Shut up. Kitty says that if the two of you want to see each other, there's nothing I can do about it. But she's wrong... 'Cause I could kill you. That's a joke, Kelso. You should laugh when I make a joke.
Kelso: [chuckles] Hey, good one, Red.
Red: See, you're making me think that I should take a personal interest in you, and you don't want that. Take Eric, for example. I have a personal interest in him.
Kelso: Oh, God.
Red: There you go. What you want to do here is fly under my radar so that if I never see you and Laurie together or hear your name mentioned in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist. Got it?
Kelso: Yeah... Okay, so you mean if me and Laurie...
Red: Oh, now, see, you just mentioned my daughter's name.
Kelso: I'm sorry. Okay. Um... If Kelso and your daughter...
Red: No, no, no. See, now, that's, uh... That's not gonna work, either.
Kelso: Well, this is hard, Red!
Red: Yeah. Well, you're gonna be here 'til you get it right, Kelso.
Kelso: Okay, Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come lookin' for me.
Red: Yeah, but they're not gonna find you. Oh, that's another joke. Come on, laugh, Kelso!

Donna: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me, like, slut rabies.

Red: Laurie. What's going on?
Laurie: He's my boyfriend, Daddy! And he loves me, and... he's good to me, and we're... happy together.
Red: Kelso, you have five seconds to get as far away from me as possible!
Kelso: But, Red, what about our unspoken bond?
Red: One! Two!
Kelso: I'll call you. [exits]
Hyde: [beer can opening] Beer, Red?

Kelso: You know, I missed you guys. Yeah. This place just isn't the same when I'm not around.
Eric: [enters] Oh, hey. You guys want to hear a really funny story? I was just upstairs, and Red was yelling at me about you. And, uh, then I said, "What are you doing yelling at me? Kelso's right downstairs. In fact, I'll go get him for you," I said.
Hyde: Say, that is a funny story.
Kelso: I don't care. I'll talk to Red. He was really mean to me, and here I brought him a five-pack. So I hope he's ready to apologize.
Eric: [laughs] Oh, yeah!
Hyde: Yeah, that's it. If there's one thing Red's about, it's forgiveness.
Fez: No, he's not. He's the opposite of that. Oh, wait. I get you. Funny.

Laurie: Oh, you again. What happened? Did they let out kindergarten early today?
Jackie: Whatever.
Laurie: Jackie, don't you have a lame comeback saved for just this very occasion?
Jackie: That's cool.
Laurie: Oh, so now you're Little Miss Cool, huh?
Jackie: Whatever.
Laurie: Well, if you're really as cool as you think you are, you would've been able to hold on to your one true love. But you couldn't, could you? Loser! Oh, well.
[Jackie lunges at Laurie]
Fez: Catfight!