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Cat Fight Club

‘Cat Fight Club’

Season 2, Episode 25 -  Aired May 15, 2000

Red finds out about Laurie and Kelso's relationship after she invites him to the dinner. Meanwhile, Hyde teaches Jackie how to keep her cool around Laurie.

Quote from Jackie

Laurie: Next time we go hiking, make sure you bring a blanket. I think I have a twig in my shorts.
Hyde: What a coincidence. So does Kelso.
Jackie: Burn!
Kelso: Okay, okay. Nice burn. Hi, Jackie.
Jackie: Oh, look. It's Michael and his community chest.
Hyde: Nice.


Quote from Hyde

Hyde: No, man, Zen. At peace. Aloof. Zen.
Jackie: Oh. Okay, then... Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen?
Hyde: You can't just teach someone to be Zen, Jackie. You can only learn to be Zen.
Jackie: Okay, I don't understand.
Hyde: Exactly. And that's your first lesson.
Jackie: Huh?
Hyde: Jackie, if you want to be my student, you need to follow my instructions without question.
Jackie: Okay. Okay. See? I can do that.
Hyde: Okay. First thing, finish polishing my boots.
Jackie: Hyde, how's that gonna help...
Hyde: What?
Jackie: Okay.
Hyde: You're gonna make a fine student. Shine, grasshopper. Shine.

Quote from Hyde

Eric: And the rest of dinner, was eaten in complete silence. The only sound was the dull throbbing of that vein in Red's giant, shiny head.
Fez: Boy, I'm glad I'm not Kelso. Sure, he's had sex a lot and I am still a virgin, but... Oh, I wish I was Kelso.
Hyde: No, you don't, Fez. Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions in society, but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban clones that anything's wrong, man. No, wait. That's me.
Jackie: [laughs] Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing. Isn't that funny?
Eric: Okay, uh, no more for the cheerleader. Okay?
Fez: Jackie, you seem different. I don't know if it's your hair, your outfit... or your red, puffy eyes.
Hyde: She's Zen, man. I've taken her under my wing. I'm running a dojo of coolness. Jackie, demonstrate.
Jackie: Oogly moogly. Googly. [laughs]
Hyde: Yeah, it's her first day.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Laurie makes me so mad. I just want to rip out her hair, show it to her, and hope it doesn't grow back. I hate her.
Hyde: Jackie, that's what she wants. She feeds on your anger, man. It only makes her stronger.
Jackie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do?
Hyde: If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen.
Jackie: Zen? Okay, you can't just make up words, Hyde.

Quote from Kelso

Eric: Kelso. Man, you're not seriously comin' to dinner tonight, are you?
Kelso: Why shouldn't I? You know, Jackie broke up with me, and I needed a girlfriend, and Laurie's it. Plus, I need to eat, so I'm coming to dinner.
Donna: God, Kelso, you're lame. And you're sad. But if you go to dinner with Red, you're gonna get your just desserts.
Kelso: I don't really care what they serve. I just want to be there for Laurie. You know? Hope it's pie.
Donna: Oh, Kelso... It's gonna be so bad. [to Eric] Can I come to dinner tonight?
Eric: No!
Kelso: Look. Red loves Laurie. Right? And Laurie likes me. Therefore, Red has to like me. I mean, what father wouldn't like the guy who's nailing his daughter?

Quote from Jackie

Eric: Jackie, you're my hero. You hit her in the eye.
Jackie: Yeah, but I guess it wasn't very Zen of me, was it, Hyde?
Hyde: Well, where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins. That's your final lesson, grasshopper.
Jackie: Hey, man, let's do that thing where we all sit in the circle again.
Hyde: Oh, one step ahead of you.

Quote from Hyde

Jackie: Ooh! Now I've got Park Place and Boardwalk. This game's just like life. I am the richest of all.
Eric: Jackie, I've got $970 here. It's all yours if you'll just... Go away!
Hyde: Relax, Forman. It's better than having Laurie down here. She's like a big, cancerous tumor. And Jackie, you know, she's like, uh, a tiny, benign cyst.
Jackie: Thank you, Hyde. Here. Buy yourself a hotel.
Fez: Why are you giving him money? I'm the one in jail. Plus, Hyde punched me in the arm. Why can't we start over?
Hyde: Because! [punches Fez in the arm] And don't try tippin' over the board again, either.

Quote from Laurie

Laurie: So, Michael, when you come over for dinner tonight, don't wear that stupid unicorn tie. [Jackie gasps] Oh, I'm sorry, Jackie. Was that a gift?
Jackie: Oh, yeah? Well, were those shoes a gift? 'Cause they're ugly!
Laurie: What are you even doing here, anyways? Shouldn't you be off playing with ribbons and ponies?
Jackie: Well, shouldn't you be off... Being a bitch?
Laurie: Ooh, I made the little girl say a bad word.

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: Oh, Laurie, you can't bring Michael to dinner. Are you out of your mind?
Laurie: Mom, I'm an adult, and this is my choice.
Kitty: No. If you were really an adult, you'd try to meet someone with a future instead of Michael, who, bless his heart, is probably gonna end up ripping tickets at the Tilt-A-Whirl.
Laurie: Well, he could invent something. [off Kitty's look] Yeah. I guess I'm lazy.
Kitty: Uh-huh. And, Laurie, have you given any thought as to what you're gonna say to your father when he finds out?
Laurie: "He's my boyfriend, Daddy, and we love each other, and you can't stop us from being together!" What do you think?
Kitty: Laurie, I absolutely forbid you to bring that boy to dinner.
Laurie: Oh, sometimes I hate you! [storms off]
Kitty: Well, that is just too bad, because I love you! Because I have to.

Quote from Hyde

Jackie: Whatever!
Hyde: No. More aloofness.
Jackie: Whatever.
Hyde: I'm not believing you.
Jackie: Hyde, when are we going to move on? I have been saying, "Whatever," for half an hour.
Hyde: You can say very much by saying very little, small grasshopper. Pretend you're Laurie and insult me.
Jackie: Okay. Hey, Hyde, you're stupid.
Hyde: Whatever.
Jackie: Wow! That was great!
Hyde: Yeah. Now. Another part of this is ambiguity. Say it with me.
Both: Ambiguity.
Hyde: Very good. See, you don't want people to know exactly what you mean. Here. Ask me if I want to go to a movie tonight.
Jackie: Okay. Hyde, would you like to go to a movie tonight?
Hyde: That's cool. See, you don't know if I mean "That's cool, I'll go," or "That's cool, no, thanks."
Jackie: And that's cool.
Hyde: Whatever.
Jackie: Oh, my God! I am so sorry I got impatient.
Hyde: That's cool.

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