Donna: Okay. We'd better get back downstairs before people start wondering where we are.
Eric: Right. Oh... And we're gonna need a cover story, so... Yeah. Let's just tell everyone we had sex.
Donna: No.
Eric: Yeah, I know. I'm kidding. Uh... We'll say we went out for ice because... We needed to cool down from having sex!
Donna: Maybe I should do the talking.
Eric: Yeah, well, you know, try to work it in somewhere that we had sex, in conversation, if it comes up.

[circle:]
Hyde: Forman, I've been thinking about your problem with Donna, and after hours of serious consideration... It still makes me laugh.
Kelso: Hey, you leave Eric alone! All right? He's our friend, and he needs our help in this, his most desperate hour. I'm with you, buddy. Semper fi!
Eric: Gee, Kelso, why the sudden change of heart? Oh. Maybe it's because the "Apollo rocket of love" blew up all over the launch pad?
Fez: Ho-ho! A mystery. One suitable for Scooby-Doo and his gang of cartoon teenagers. You know, guys, sometimes I wish we were cartoon teenagers.
[fantasy: the guys are rendered as cartoon characters in the circle:]
Hyde: Zoinks. That'd be super, Fez. Look, man, if God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!
Fez: Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez, am still a virgin.
Eric: Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde, but now that the middle-aged-hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?
Kelso: Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making it with your sister. I got it! You should make it with my sister!
Hyde: Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be... For a long time.
Kelso: Hyde, what are you saying?
Eric: Well, I think he's saying, "Moo."
Fez: Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere, has still not had sex. [eats a chicken wing]
Hyde: Yeah. Heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doing wrong, man, and fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? "Just friends."
Kelso: You can't let the pressure get to you. Don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried and you couldn't, how she'd stare at you with those cruel, black eyes, as if to say... "You're not really a man, Michael. You're not a man at all!"
Eric: Okay. Well, this has been really helpful, guys.
Fez: All right, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. Yes, I am. [eats sandwich]

Donna: Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
[montage:]
Midge: Oh. My first time was with a guy named... Your father.
Laurie: My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special. Oh, no. Wait. It wasn't Darren. It was... Robert? I think Robert.
Kitty: Well, um... Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, "To heck with the receiving line," and hit the nearest closet. [laughs]
Midge: Oh, I remember running my hands through his long, blond hair, and listening to his beautiful British accent. You see, because back then, your father was blond and British.
Laurie: No, no, no. Not Robert. There was this guy. What was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Kitty: Good God, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nim-ble!
Midge: I just remember it was very disappointing, and I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, okay?
Laurie: I want to say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
Kitty: And it was just wonderful... Eventually.

Eric: So... This is what it's like to not be a virgin.
Donna: Yeah. So... Hmm. How are you?
Eric: Good. How are you?
Donna: Good, good.
Eric: Good. It was good. Right?
Donna: I can honestly say the best I've ever had. Was I good?
Eric: Were you good? Donna, you know how my mom's all over my back to write "thank you" notes, and I never do? Well... Trust me. You're getting a thank you note.

Bob: Hey there, kids. Where have you two been?
Donna: God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute.
Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.

Jackie: So, how was it?
Donna: Jackie, I don't really want to talk about it.
Jackie: Oh... That bad, huh?
Donna: No! No, no. It was great. It just wasn't what I expected. I don't think we did it right.
Jackie: So Eric's not good?
Donna: It was more like... Like neither of us was good.
Jackie: Donna, it's not up to the woman to be good.
Donna: I don't know, Jackie. I mean, I love Eric, but when the moment came, it was just, like... Awkward and weird... and... I don't know. I just felt so far away, you know?
Jackie: No. But go on.
Donna: I mean, during it, I just remember thinking, "This is it. This is what everyone..."
Jackie: Everyone what?
Donna: That's as far as I got.
Jackie: Oh. See, that's the problem.
Donna: That's not the problem.
Jackie: Oh, trust me. That's a problem.

Kelso: Hey. Hey. What's goin' on?
Hyde: Donna made Forman a man.
Eric: Okay. Yes, she did.
Kelso: Really? So... How was it?
Eric: Well... boys... I tell you, it was as if... in that one magic moment... the two people, Donna and Eric, ceased to exist and were replaced instead by one, perfect being. Donric Formciotti.
Kelso: So, Eric, you're saying it was good?
Eric: Kelso, was Michelangelo's Creation of Adam good? Yes, Kelso, it was good!

Eric: Okay, Donna... Here's the deal. Do you have any Rolaids? I've been thinking about what we said, about us not doing it again? And, uh, I've decided that's just crazy talk.
Donna: But, Eric, we did it, and now everything's a mess.
Eric: See, Donna... Everything you and I do is a mess... At first. I mean, face it. We're just a couple of goons here. The first time we kissed, the first time we went out.
Donna: The first time I let you get to second.
Eric: Exactly. Wait. What did I do wrong then?
Donna: God, it was like you were tuning a radio.
Eric: Okay. Okay, but, do I still do that?
Donna: No.
Eric: And the kissing, has that gotten better?
Donna: Yeah, like, a zillion times better.

Eric: Hey, Mom, any more fried chicken?
Kitty: Well, my goodness, you're a hungry little bee.
Hyde: Yeah, Forman. Whatcha been doing? Exercising?
Eric: In a manner of speaking.
Red: Hey, I'm too smart for you two idiots to try innuendo with me. Got it?
Eric: Yes, sir.
Hyde: Yes, sir.
Eric: You gonna eat that, big boy?

Hyde: You see, Fez, you take all the partially consumed drinks and mix 'em together into one, giant uber drink. In this case, Tom Wallbanger bloody sunrise on the beach.