Donna: Okay. We'd better get back downstairs before people start wondering where we are.
Eric: Right. Oh... And we're gonna need a cover story, so... Yeah. Let's just tell everyone we had sex.
Donna: No.
Eric: Yeah, I know. I'm kidding. Uh... We'll say we went out for ice because... We needed to cool down from having sex!
Donna: Maybe I should do the talking.
Eric: Yeah, well, you know, try to work it in somewhere that we had sex, in conversation, if it comes up.

[circle:]
Hyde: Forman, I've been thinking about your problem with Donna, and after hours of serious consideration... It still makes me laugh.
Kelso: Hey, you leave Eric alone! All right? He's our friend, and he needs our help in this, his most desperate hour. I'm with you, buddy. Semper fi!
Eric: Gee, Kelso, why the sudden change of heart? Oh. Maybe it's because the "Apollo rocket of love" blew up all over the launch pad?
Fez: Ho-ho! A mystery. One suitable for Scooby-Doo and his gang of cartoon teenagers. You know, guys, sometimes I wish we were cartoon teenagers.
[fantasy: the guys are rendered as cartoon characters in the circle:]
Hyde: Zoinks. That'd be super, Fez. Look, man, if God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!
Fez: Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez, am still a virgin.
Eric: Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde, but now that the middle-aged-hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?
Kelso: Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making it with your sister. I got it! You should make it with my sister!
Hyde: Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be... For a long time.
Kelso: Hyde, what are you saying?
Eric: Well, I think he's saying, "Moo."
Fez: Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere, has still not had sex. [eats a chicken wing]
Hyde: Yeah. Heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doing wrong, man, and fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? "Just friends."
Kelso: You can't let the pressure get to you. Don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried and you couldn't, how she'd stare at you with those cruel, black eyes, as if to say... "You're not really a man, Michael. You're not a man at all!"
Eric: Okay. Well, this has been really helpful, guys.
Fez: All right, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. Yes, I am. [eats sandwich]

Donna: Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
[montage:]
Midge: Oh. My first time was with a guy named... Your father.
Laurie: My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special. Oh, no. Wait. It wasn't Darren. It was... Robert? I think Robert.
Kitty: Well, um... Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, "To heck with the receiving line," and hit the nearest closet. [laughs]
Midge: Oh, I remember running my hands through his long, blond hair, and listening to his beautiful British accent. You see, because back then, your father was blond and British.
Laurie: No, no, no. Not Robert. There was this guy. What was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Kitty: Good God, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nim-ble!
Midge: I just remember it was very disappointing, and I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, okay?
Laurie: I want to say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
Kitty: And it was just wonderful... Eventually.