Eric: Look, sir, I think you should know that at the last police charity auction, my family bought one of your Christmas tree ornaments, Santa driving a cop car. Funniest thing on the tree it was. Anyway, please don't call my mom and dad. Thanks.
Officer Kennedy: What's your name?
Eric: They call me Fez.

Kelso: Guys, I'm really screwed down at the Police Academy. Officer Kennedy told me he's looking for any reason to kick me out.
Eric: Okay, but did he say anything about calling my parents?
Kelso: I was so freaked out that I completely blew this exam this morning.
Roy: I'm sure you did fine.
Kelso: Roy, the first question was, "Stop, in the name of the blank." And I wrote "Love". [groans]
Roy: I don't care what they say, Kelso. Love is always the right answer.

Hyde: So you screwed up a test, man. You know what you have to do.
Kelso: Yeah, yeah. Study more next time.
Hyde: What are you? Forman? You gotta break in there and change the answers.
Kelso: I can't break in there again. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Hyde: That's why they'll never expect it, man. Look, they don't know you've got a friend like me to talk you into doing something so fundamentally moronic.
Kelso: That's true.
Eric: You know what? I'm in, too. I know it's dangerous, but I just really like wearing that outfit.
Hyde: Trust me, it'll work. How do you think I got through chemistry?
Roy: Hey, you told me you blackmailed the teacher because you caught him smoking up behind the gym.
Hyde: Oh, yeah. How do you think I got through biology?

Jackie: So, on the way back from the bathroom, I got proposed to three times. I must look more gorgeous than usual.
Donna: Jackie, the only reason they wanna marry you is so they can stay in the country.
Jackie: Jealous.

Fez: Okay, here I go. I'm here for my test. Where do I sign in? Or should I say, "Where do I put my John Hancock?" [chuckles] Actually, I would sign my name. That's just the common expression. I know so much history, I just drop it into everyday conversation.
INS Worker: There is no test. I just need to see that you are who you say you are and that you're in the country to be with your wife, Laurie Forman.
Fez: No test? So, that's it? I'm truly really a citizen of this great country?
INS Worker: Just as soon as I stamp this paper.
Fez: Oh, this is great. You and I should go celebrate. Let's start off with a couple of drinks and some lovemaking and see where it goes from there.
INS Worker: I don't date married men.
Fez: Well, let's just say that as soon as I get my green card, I will be single. Then you can explore the country of Fez.
INS Worker: Hold on, are you telling me your marriage is a sham?
Fez: I'm telling you your eyes are like amber waves of green.
INS Worker: You do realize I haven't stamped this yet?
Fez: Actually, I had not.

Fez: Great news, I got my green card. I am now, officially, a Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Red: So, you passed the test, huh?
Jackie: Oh, there was no test.
Red: No test? Oh, we're just as bad as Canada.

Eric: Man, I love these gloves. I wish there was some diamond protected by lasers I could steal.
Kelso: Okay, I'm almost done. I just gotta think of one more misdemeanor. Oh, breaking into the Police Academy.
Hyde: All right, come on. Let's go. [Officer Kennedy enters]
Eric: How do you keep finding us? I'm wearing all black.
Officer Kennedy: I sleep right next door.
Hyde: What's the problem? Trouble with the wife?
Officer Kennedy: Shut up. That's it, you're out of here!
Kelso: Wait, I can explain. Okay, this whole thing started because I just... I can't be the stooge, okay? I'm gonna be a dad soon, and no kid is gonna look up to his dad if his dad is the stooge. Well, unless the kid's a stooge, in which case I wouldn't love him anyway.
Officer Kennedy: You're gonna be a father? Who would breed with you?!
Eric: One night stand, both a little drunk.

Kelso: Look, I know I messed up, but can't you just... maybe... give me one more chance.
Officer Kennedy: All right. Since you're gonna be a father, I'm gonna let what happened here slide. But just so you don't do this again, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. There is no stooge.
Kelso: What?
Officer Kennedy: That's just a rumor we started to get the cadets to work harder. Also, there's no alligator in the lake.
Eric: Wait. Wait, wait. If there's no stooge, then how come our friend Roy told us he got kicked out of the Academy for being a stooge?
Officer Kennedy: Roy Keen? He didn't get kicked out for being a stooge. He got kicked out for shooting the police horse. Look, Cadet, all you have to do is work hard and you'll be fine. Now you clean up this mess and get out of here. [exits]
Kelso: Well, I think we all learned an important lesson here. If you're in trouble and your back's up against the wall, just tell them you got a kid. People are suckers for a baby.
Eric: That is a valuable lesson. I think we should all reflect on that in the canine training room.
Kelso: I call shock collar.
Hyde: I call button.

Kitty: Okay, Miss Smarty Pants, how about... Oh. Where was the famous tea party?
Donna: Boston.
Kitty: Nope.
Donna: What?
Kitty: Got it wrong. Sorry.
Donna: It's the Boston Tea Party.
Kitty: No, it says right here, it's the Boston Tea Party. Oh. I'm gonna have a Long Island tea party.

Kelso: I gotta study. They're really riding me down at the Police Academy, and I don't know why.
Hyde: I know why. It's fun.
Kelso: They even chose me last to work on the CPR dummy, so everybody's spit was all over it. You know, even Johnson's spit, and he's got a monster cold sore.
Roy: I know why they're doing that. I bet you're the stooge.
Kelso: What?
Roy: Every year, the Police Academy lets one guy in they know will fail out. They use him to scare the other cadets. I know 'cause my brother was a stooge. All right, fine, it was me.