Garrett: [over PA] Attention shoppers. We just received a song dedication. This one goes out to "Sandra, my one and only." "Happy Valentine's Day, Boo. Love, your Mr. Man."
["I Wanna Get Next to You" by Rose Royce plays]

Corporate Woman: [on video] Harassment is always wrong. If it starts in the break room, it shouldn't end in the bedroom.
Garrett: He's totally thinking about boning Sandra right now.
Mateo: No, he's not.

Garrett: I got a question. The actress in the video, does she get paid per video, or is it more of a flat rate for the whole day kind of thing?
Jeff: My guess is flat rate.

Mateo: Can ignoring someone you're dating be considered harassment?
Jeff: I don't think so.
Mateo: Of course you don't.

Glenn: I'm... I'm just not explaining it right. I wasn't harassing her. She agreed to go out with me because my father threatened to fire her if she didn't.

Arthur: Myrtle, I'm so sorry. It was wrong to harass you, and if you want, I will quit right now.
Amy: No, no, no.
Myrtle: Yes, quit.
Amy: Arthur is a lovely guy. He was just trying to compliment you.
Arthur: That's all it is! I like your sweater, and I think you're pretty.
All: Ohh.
Arthur: And I love how your sweater cleaves tight against your breasts.
Amy: Arthur, no.
Marcus: Gross, dude. She's, like, 100.
Jeff: Okay, this is actually making things worse.

Glenn: It's not always harassment. I mean, Jerusha and I got married.
Cheyenne: Oh, so it's not harassment if you marry them?
Glenn: Oh, God, what have I done?

Arthur: They're like two little robin's eggs all bundled up in a bird's nest.
Amy: Stop.

Jeff: So right in here is where I saw the feces swastika. [both enter dressing room] Okay. Happy Valentine's Day, baby.
Mateo: Mm, yeah, you too.
Jeff: Oh, all right, well, there you go.
Mateo: Oh, you didn't have to get me anything.
Jeff: It's a keychain.
Mateo: Thank you.
Jeff: 'Cause you're always losing your keys.
Mateo: Ahh, what a small, thoughtful... small gift.

Dina: Hey, sweetheart. Did you get what I sent you in for, or did you get distracted? Men, right?
Jonah: Hey, wh... who...
Dina: Look, Tyler and Megan are in the car.
Shannon: Oh, you're married?
Jonah: No, no, no, no, no. Those are not my kids. Those are your kids with your boyfriend.
Dina: How dare you! You are the closest thing those kids have had to a father since he died at war.
Jonah: Fighting for the other side, and we are not married!
Dina: I never signed any divorce papers!
Jonah: You don't remember you signed them because of your drinking problem!
Dina: I drink because of you!
Jonah: You don't... great, now she's gone. Why would you do that?
Dina: You put your personal libido in front of busting a thief.
Jonah: She's not a thief! She... oh, my God. My wallet's gone.
Dina: There you go.
Jonah: Oh, wait, no, no. It's in the other pocket. My chiropractor told me to switch it up.