Jerusha: The doctor says it's normal for the head to be so much bigger than the rest of the body.
Cheyenne: I've heard that successful people have unusually large heads. Look at the Burger King.

Dina: The baby's in a sack anyway. I'm just suggesting we take out that sack, and stuff it into someone else. Maybe Sandra.
Amy: Yeah, I don't think that technology exists.
Dina: What technology? I'm talking about moving a bag of garbage from the kitchen to the side of the house.
Glenn: Bag of garbage?
Amy: You can't just move it. It's attached to things.
Dina: Fine, fine, that's just one idea. We can come up with something else.

Garrett: [on the phone] The name is Glenn and Jerusha Sturgis. I need to know the gender of their baby. Okay, sure, one second. [exhales] [as Glenn] Hello, it's me, Glenn Sturgis. I seem to have lost the envelope the doctor wrote the gender of my little angel in and... [normal voice] What? That's exactly how he sounds. You have no idea how spot on I was!

Dina: I did not think this through. And now, I have a horrible parasite just eating and pissing inside me.
Cheyenne: My friend Corona swallowed a tape worm to lose weight, and it ate one of her organs. She looked really good at prom, though.

Mateo: You were supposed to tell him to get a job.
Jonah: But then he said all that stuff, and you told him to follow his bliss.
Mateo: Because I'm not supposed to be the bad cop. That was your job.
Jonah: I'm sorry. You seemed on board.
Mateo: It's called acting. Okay, when you watch Terms of Endearment, Debra Winger doesn't actually have cancer.
Jonah: I haven't seen it yet. It's on my list. But I still have a lot of TV to get through. We're in a golden age of television.

Dina: Funny to think that it has genitals, right? It's like, I could have a stranger's tiny penis just whipping around inside me.
Justine: Sounds like my Saturday night. [chuckles] [all groan]

Marcus: You guys doing funny accents? [as Nixon] I am not a crook. Ronald Reagan.

Mateo: Hey. What are you doing here?
Jeff: Oh, I'm on a break from Target. Thought I would stop by and say hi.
Jonah: How's your new job?
Jeff: Oh, at Target? Well, it's Target. It's the big leagues.
Mateo: Well, uh, thank you for visiting. It was good seeing you, but these carts aren't gonna put themselves away, so.
Jeff: Oh, uh, okay, well, then I'm going to do a little shopping for supper. Don't tell the folks at Target. I'm kidding, they don't need my business, they're Target.

Mateo: I've gone from expense accounts and hotel dinners to having to figure out what "squat and bury" means.
Jonah: I don't know, I think he's kind of pulling off that hat.
Mateo: Are you kidding? He looks like if Freddie Mercury was going fly fishing.

Glenn: Attention, ladies and germs. Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.