‘District Manager’
Season 3, Episode 17 - Aired March 29, 2018
When a new district manager, Laurie (Jennifer Irwin), is assigned to replace Jeff, Amy inadvertently advises her to fire Myrtle. Meanwhile, Dina tries to hide her baby bump, and Mateo worries about his performance on check-out.
Quote from Marcus
Marcus: Hey, if Hitler was a woman, would you be defending Hitler?
Amy: No, obviously not.
Cheyenne: What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?
Jonah: I'm not sure one hosts a holocaust.
Justine: Don't mansplain her.
Amy: Okay, I'm not in favor of any holocaust, but if there was a holocaust, then yeah, Oprah's who I would want to host it.
Marcus: And I actually agree with that.
Justine: Mm-hmm.
Cheyenne: Me too.
Mateo: Yeah.
Garrett: I think we solved sexism, guys.
Quote from Myrtle
Cheyenne: I'm excited to have a woman in charge.
Myrtle: The world's moving too fast. Enough already.
Quote from Amy
Amy: We try and keep Carol and Sandra on opposite sides of the store. It's sort of like a... like a Crips and Bloods thing.
Quote from Amy
Laurie: And Justine Sikowicz?
Amy: Justine is a hard worker. Um, she cries a lot in the bathroom. But not, like, in a way where you feel like you have to go in.
Quote from Amy
Amy: Hey, Laurie, um, can we talk to you?
Laurie: Sure, who's this?
Jonah: Hi, um, I'm Jonah. Simms.
Laurie: Mm, he does look like a male Tinkerbell.
Quote from Mateo
Garrett: Why are you shutting the blinds?
Mateo: [whispers] So no one can see us.
Garrett: Oh, you're afraid we might get caught changing your register scores?
Mateo: Fine. Can we just change the scores so we can get out of here?
Garrett: All right, I'm just looking for the right window. Glenn's taxes, Google search for "how many tomatoes in the world", his church's MySpace page. Ah, here we are. Employee records. Your UPM score is now 120.
Mateo: 120? Isn't that kinda high?
Garrett: I don't know, man. I mean, we're here. You might as well change it to something impressive.
Mateo: You're right. This is my Tonya Harding moment, and I've gotta claw my way to the top. Okay. 121. It's a little less obvious.
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: Good morning, everyone. [indistinct chatter] Good morning. [indistinct chatter] Okay, let's focus up.
Dina: Quiet!
Glenn: Morning, everyone. Okay, uh, before the new district manager gets here, I just wanted to warn you her name is Laurie Neustadt. And she's a woman, so let's not act like that's weird.
Mateo: Um, is it weird?
Glenn: No. I mean... just don't act like anything's weird. Ever. In general.
Amy: Nice recovery.
Quote from Marcus
Marcus: Man, I hope she's a WILF. It's a woman I'd like to [bleep].
Justine: [gasps] That's what that means.
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: I'm just worried that I'm gonna say something weird. I wish I knew something more about her.
Jonah: I'm Googling her, and apparently she's from Denver.
Glenn: Denver, terrific. Let's go with the Denver thing.
Amy: Or we could just treat her like she's a human being.
Glenn: Yeah, but we've got the Denver thing in case that doesn't work out.
Amy: Right, and why wouldn't that work?
Quote from Marcus
Justine: Laurie seems like kind of a bitch, right?
Marcus: She's like this strict schoolteacher in a porn but nothing good ends up happening. She just, like, teaches.