Cheyenne: So we've gotten some customer reviews in, and I just have to say, everyone is doing an amazing job. But also, some of you are not, so I'll be pulling some of you off the floor and putting you on a special assignment. Like, just away from human interaction. Uh, but again, amazing job, everyone.
Justine: Hootie-hoo!

Cheyenne: Yeah, it's no big deal. Some people just thought that you talked too much. Like, way too much, actually. One lady said that you accused her of having "nom-nom-noms."
Earl: Oof! They don't like it when you comment on what they eat, bro.
Jonah: I was being friendly. This is ridiculous. I don't belong with this group. I have people skills. Not saying you guys don't, but... kinda.

Glenn: How are we still only averaging two stars? We've only got one five-star review. "The store was completely out of baby wipes, but an employee ran to the back and found the last box for me."
Dina: Elias. He's always hoarding wipes in the back for himself. I've begged his wife to get a bidet.

Glenn: But don't you think it's weird that he got five stars for that?
Dina: I guess it kind of makes sense. I mean, the customer had an issue, and the employee went above and beyond to solve it. I think that makes more of an impression than when everything's just fine.
Glenn: Huh.
Dina: We need to start making problems for our customers.
Glenn: What?
Dina: We cause the problems so that we can swoop in, solve them, and get a higher score.
Glenn: 'Cause problems for our customers? Come on. Isn't that how Stalin got his start?
Dina: Yeah, you're right. We should probably just, take the I, let Jeff fire us in disgrace, see if Hudson News has any openings.
Glenn: Ah. All right. Let's do it. I guess. I think.

Cheyenne: Wait, so what kind of problems are we supposed to be making for the customers? Like, "You guys are out of cheese" problems, or, "Oh, my God, my baby was stolen" problems?
Mateo: So we're supposed to stash a bunch of stolen babies in the back? Gross. Well, actually, I don't think it's that gross. Wait, do I want kids?

Dina: Okay, guys, it's simple. Hide popular items in the back. Then, when people ask for them, you can "find the last one." Take away the shopping baskets, but offer to carry their stuff for them. Let's also shut down the customer bathrooms. We'll let them use the employee bathroom, and they'll feel like kings.
Marcus: Oh, I'll do it. Linchpin of the operation. In your face, Garrett!

Man: Oh, man. Really? No pizza?
Glenn: Yup, that's what we're saying. But can I offer you a free hot dog as an apology?
Man: Yeah, thank you. I really appreciate that.
Glenn: You do?
Man: Yeah, thanks so much.
Glenn: That's great, 'cause we really are out of pizza. There's no dough, there's no sauce. No Italians in sight. Hey, don't forget to put that on your customer survey!

Mateo: Oh, so I'm digging and digging, and then, all of a sudden, the whole shelf falls. And I'm like, "Not today, shelf." And I dive out of the way. [chuckles] Anyway, I got you the very last one.
Woman: Wow... shoot. I actually need two.
Mateo: Oh, you know what? I think I saw another one back there.

Garrett: Hey, dude, I just got off a 45-minute phone call with Jeff and his jeweler, and they were really judgmental because I don't know the size of Doreen's ring finger.
Mateo: I'm sorry. It's just for one day. Oh, and ring size is easy. You just take a ring they already have, and slip it on to a tapered candle...
Garrett: She's not real! Can't you just come clean and get him off my back?
Mateo: I wish I could, but I think the mature, healthy thing for me to do... is to avoid him.

Jonah: Hi. Can I help you with something?
Man: Actually, yeah. I'm trying to choose between a ribeye and a sirloin steak. I'm having dinner with my tree guy. Any recommendations?
Jonah: Well, you're gonna get a richer flavor from the marbling on the ribeye, so if it were me, I'd go with that.
Man: Awesome. Thanks.
Jonah: Yeah. Yeah. Hey, hey. Sorry. Really quick. Um, I wasn't too much just now, was I? You know, like, if you were writing a review, you would say that I... I belong around, uh, people?
Man: Uh, I... Uh... I don't... I don't know. [backs away]
Jonah: Hey. No, no, no. Hey. No, it's okay. Don't be weird, okay? Just don't tell anybody about this, okay?
Cheyenne: Jonah, you're not supposed to be out here near the customers.
Jonah: But I was good! I was so good until the last part. Tell her.
Cheyenne: I'm so sorry about him. Sir, I'll make sure he doesn't get back out again.
Jonah: No, Cheyenne...
Man: I just wanted to buy a ribeye.
Jonah: Oh, come on! You didn't know what you wanted until me! You were lost! I'm fine...