Marty: So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready.
Uncle Leo: Your wife?
Jerry: Yeah. My wife.
Uncle Leo: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Uh... I got married.
Uncle Leo: You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation?
Jerry: Well, it was sudden.
Uncle Leo: Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you?
Jerry: No, no, it was a small ceremony.
Uncle Leo: Haven't I always been a good uncle?
Jerry: Yes, yes, you have.
Uncle Leo: Who told you when you went to school that you print well?
Jerry: You did, you did.
Uncle Leo: When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print.
Jerry: I'm a good printer.
Uncle Leo: I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! [rushes out]

Helen Seinfeld: [on the phone with Jerry] Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
Morty Seinfeld: [also on the line] Why the hell didn't you tell us?
Jerry: Listen, Ma...
Meryl: It was in here yesterday!
Jerry: Yeah, that's what I said!
Helen Seinfeld: Who is she? When did this happen?
Morty Seinfeld: I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it.
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, you're talking too loud.
Morty Seinfeld: I'm not talking loud!
Helen Seinfeld: You're hurting my eardrum.

Kramer: Got any coffee?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh, boy. [walks into the kitchen, stumbles to the ground]
Jerry: I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy. Why are you so tired?
Kramer: My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat, it's too hot. I open up a window, it's too cold. I can't get into a zone!

George: What happened? Did he bring it up?
Elaine: Never mind that, look at the signal I just got.
George: Signal? What signal?
Elaine: Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy.
George: I'll tell you what that is. That's a violation of club rules. Now I got him! And you're my witness!
Elaine: Now wait a second, George! Listen! He knew what he was doing. This was a signal.
George: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Elaine: Yeah! It's a social thing.
George: What if he left you a used Kleenex, what's that, a Valentine? Now, you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him!
Elaine: No! I won't be a party to this.
George: So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination?
Elaine: Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting me in a very difficult position.

Greg: Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able to point him out.
Elaine: You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Greg: Why?
Elaine: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it? [chuckles]
Greg: Oh, I see. You're friends with the urinator, aren't you?
Elaine: Yeah, well... At least he had a drain.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the thing about marriage is I can't believe how often it happens. I mean, I like the idea of it. But I can't believe that many people are meeting people that they want to see every single day, every day, every day, every day, every day. That should happen, like, three or four times in, you know, a whole century. Like any major investment, you have to sign a marriage contract. Here's your person. If you're a man, the bride's family pays for the wedding, that's like getting cashback. "Till death do us part", that's like the extended warranty program. Then you give her the ring, that's the keys. You slide it on, start him up, but you've got to try and make it work. Because remember, your value drops 20 percent the minute you drive each other off the lot.

Meryl: How'd you sleep?
Jerry: Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over my side.
Meryl: I was not!
Jerry: Come on, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed!
Meryl: By the way, you know, you're falling way behind on the "I love you's".
Jerry: No, no, 12-8!
Meryl: No, it's 15-8.
Jerry: Well, I know I can't beat you. I'm just trying to stay competitive.
Meryl: All right, come on. Let's get some breakfast.
Jerry: Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll try a sport jacket and scarf thing, you know, like an unemployed actor.

Jerry: Haven't worn this one in a long time.
Meryl: Ooh, cashmere?
Jerry: No, gore-tex. It's new. [checks pockets] Hey, look at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look at that.
Meryl: Wow, this is really old. You don't know whose it is?
Jerry: No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner. Maybe we should ask him.
Meryl: All right, we'll stop over there.
Jerry: Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?
Meryl: Pancakes.
Jerry: Oh now, come on, you know I'm getting pancakes.
Meryl: I don't know that!
Jerry: But we can't both get pancakes. It's embarrassing. It's like one step from the couples who dress alike.
Meryl: I'll get the short stack.
Jerry: Ah, that's why I love you. 15-9.

Jerry: Hey, how you doing?
Kramer: We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite.
Jerry: Hey, is that my maple syrup?
Meryl: You bring your own syrup?
Kramer: Got to.
Jerry: [to Meryl] You got a lot to learn about pancakes.

Marty: I turned my house upside-down looking for this! It's all I have left of her.
Meryl: Oh, that's so touching.
Marty: You know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna give you and your family 25% off all your dry-cleaning from now on.
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Marty: What are you talkin' about?
Jerry: It's silly!
Marty: Hey, forget it!
Jerry: Get outta here!
Marty: It's done!
Jerry: [gives in] All right.