Elaine: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
Kramer: Of what?
Jerry: Rabies.
Kramer: Oh, that's fatal. You don't want that!
Elaine: [grabs Kramer] I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. "What about getting up after five hours sleep?" "Oh, that's Morning Guy's problem. That's not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want." So you get up in the morning, you're exhausted, groggy. Oh, I hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning Guy can do. The only Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy looses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore.

Dwayne: Who said anything about a discount?
Kramer: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
Dwayne: For what?
Kramer: [pulls out a candy bar] Remember this?
Dwayne: What are you doing?
Kramer: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar?
Dwayne: Put that away!
Kramer: Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Dwayne: All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! But this squares us.

Elaine: Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible.
Jerry: Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.
Elaine: Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But George didn't even have his glasses on.
Jerry: But he was squinting.
Elaine: So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.
Jerry: Are you kidding? I've seen him squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once, we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wurtsboro down to the Tappan Zee Bridge. He was spotting raccoons on the road!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: But I want to know, when did glasses go from being this carefully crafted medical apparatus to just this mall impulse item. "Honey, I'm going out for yogurt and a pair of trifocals. You need anything?" It's always "Glasses in about an hour." "How much?" "75 bucks." "Well, here's $72. It's about $75, okay?" What are trying to coordinate it with the one-hour photo place, is that the idea? "Hurry up. Give me the glasses. My pictures are coming out right now. I need to see 'em!" Then they have those Woolworth glasses, you know, that are like...? They're there. They're there now. No eye exam. You don't have any idea what's wrong with your eyes. And the glasses are made up. They're ready and waiting for you to just walk in. "Thank you." You just walk into a wall.

Jerry: Uncle Leo, what are you doing here?
Uncle Leo: Jeffrey went out tonight.
Jerry: Ooh! Very convenient.
Uncle Leo: I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him. He loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know, his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends.
Jerry: Oh, really?
Uncle Leo: That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends. Like equals. They have dinner together, they have discussions.

Doctor: Okay.
Elaine: Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot, dog bite.
Elaine: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang.

Jerry: I was an idiot for listening to you!
George: Hey, I saw what I saw.
Jerry: Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.
George: What side?
Jerry: A bad side. An ugly side.
George: Oh, so what?
Jerry: So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you've made me throw off the whole learning curve.

George: Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?
Jerry: Ah, he'd just deny it.
George: There must be some way to find out.
Jerry: Amy said nothing happened.
George: What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!
Jerry: Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!
George: I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wurtsboro? I was spotting those raccoons.
Jerry: They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.
George: [squints] Hey, look a dime. [picks it up] Mercury head. You mind?

Jerry: Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!
Kramer: Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!
[George takes a bite out of an onion]
Elaine: You know, George, that's an onion.
George: Yes, it is. [takes another bite]
Elaine: He couldn't tell an apple from an onion and he's your eye witness?
George: I saw them making out, you can believe it.
Jerry: I don't know what to believe. You're eating onions, you're spotting dimes. I don't know what the hell is going on.