Jerry: Hey, you look awful.
George: I'm on no sleep, bro.
Jerry: Problem in the bedroom?
George: Susan has the doll collection. One of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.
Jerry: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
George: It felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's really freaking me out, man.

Maestro: And now, Gentlemen, if you will excuse me, I must prepare for the symphony.
Kramer: Oh, yeah?
[When The Maestro gets up from behind his desk, he isn't wearing any pants.]
Maestro: Oh, my pants. [starts to put on nearby pair of pants] It's an old conductor's trick I learned from Leonard Bernstein.
Kramer: Really?
Maestro: You keep a perfect crease by not sitting in them before the performance.
Kramer: That's good thinking.

Jerry: So, did you buy that electric toothbrush I was telling you about?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: How come? I told you, it's fantastic.
Elaine: Eh, I like mine.
Jerry: I've had yours. I'm telling you, this one is ten times better. Don't you believe me?
Elaine: I don't want it.
Jerry: I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's better? And it's not a little better, it's much better.
Elaine: It doesn't matter to me.

Jerry: Wait. This isn't the sauce that I asked for!
Sally: That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. "The Pride of Memphis!"
Jerry: No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin!
Sally: This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other sauce as kind of a joke.
Jerry: I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. Nothing!
Sally: You could just do your material.
Jerry: I don't have any material!
Elaine: He's got nothing!

[As Jerry walks off a stage, a woman moves in for a hug:]
Jerry: Hey. Hey!
Sally: Sally Weaver! Susan Ross' roommate from college. Hello!
Jerry: Right. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show?
Sally: Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for the free tickets. You are so funny.
Jerry: Oh, thanks.
Sally: No, no, I mean it. You're very funny.
Jerry: I believe you.
Sally: Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. I am taking you out to dinner.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm going straight to the airport.
Sally: Oh, that's too bad. Susan thought we'd really get along. I guess because we're both wacko! You know what, um.. You have to give this to them for me. Okay? Here. It's a wedding present. And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? Be very careful.

Frank Costanza: George, as you may be aware, your mother and I are not moving to Del Boca Vista, Florida.
George: I am aware.
Frank Costanza: So, I was wondering, would it be okay if I turned your room into a billiard parlor?
George: A billiard parlor?
Frank Costanza: Regulation table with a hi-fi, maybe even a bar. Give it some real authenticity.

George: Elaine!
Elaine: Oh, hi, Frank.
George: [makes room for her] Sit down. Join us, please.
Elaine: Actually, I gotta get to the... uh... thing.
George: Oh, the thing's cancelled. Sit down.
Elaine: Okay.

Jerry: I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because of this stupid thing.
Kramer: Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still salvage some sauce..
Jerry: I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle, and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin.
Kramer: I see..
Jerry: No, you don't see. Because I'm going on the show this week, and this was going to be my bit on the show.
Kramer: Well, why don't you do your material?
Jerry: I'm out.
Kramer: Well, you better get to work.
Jerry: Thanks for the tip.

George: Well, this is certainly a crappy gift..
Jerry: A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?!
George: Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes. She's a big executive for Federal Express.
Jerry: Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just ship it?!

Estelle Costanza: What's going on in here? Are you two still playing?! You've been up here three hours!
Frank Costanza: We still haven't finished the first game.
Estelle Costanza: The first game?!
Kramer: Well, we're still, uh, learning the subtleties of the table.
Frank Costanza: He knows the Maestro. He could have the picture..
Estelle Costanza: Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.
Frank Costanza: [yells] You don't know that!