J.D.: So who gave Dr. Dorian a negative review? Many of you had motives. Mary, there was the unfortunate incident where I called you "Mark" for the first part of the quarter. But now I'm a major supporter of your softball team, so we worked that out. Jeremy, of course I suspected you. You take a little too long to laugh at my jokes. But I forgot to account for your interpreter. I apologize for not giving you a proper hearing. [Jeremy smiles] Thank you, Jeremy. Dr. Turk and I are going to keep you in here all day until whomever gave me the negative review steps forward. Who amongst you has the courage to step forward and say, "Hey, I am the coward!"
Dr. Cox: Dear Lord, Newbie. It was me.
J.D.: Perry? [balloons release]

J.D.: Why would you do that to me?
Dr. Cox: Because, as always, pushing your buttons amuses me. And I know you don't think I have anything left to teach you, but maybe I wanted you to see just how ridiculous you truly are, constantly chasing their approval.
Lucy: Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Dorian. I just wanted to make sure you were still gonna be my blood buddy.
J.D.: I'll be there. [to Dr. Cox] What?
Dr. Cox: You can't even help yourself, can ya? Dorian, in order for these kids to really learn, sooner or later you gotta let go of their hands.
J.D.: So I'm supposed to be like you and just rule by fear? Perry, they hate you.
Dr. Cox: Yes, they do, and sure, I could be a little bit kinder. But that's not going to happen, and here's why. We're creating doctors, not kindergarteners.
J.D.: The need me.
Dr. Cox: Do they? Because I don't ever remember holding your smooth little doll hand, and you turned out to be not too horrible a doctor.

Drew: So I'm here for our ridiculous couples date. Where are they?
Denise: They're at the bar. I told them they couldn't sit with us.

Turk: Well, this is it. I can't believe you. I can't believe you don't want to do one last eagle. This could be our last eagle before our next last eagle.
J.D.: Turk, gather the students.
Turk: All right, but they're not gonna fall for Rob Schneider again.
J.D.: Then pull out the big guns. Tell them it's the cast of Twilight. Kids love sexy vampires.

Cole: God, that is ridiculous. What is it?
Dr. Kelso: That is my prescription fiber drink with rum.
Cole: I love that. Hey, you got any of those wiener pills?
Dr. Kelso: Who do you think you're talking to, son? I'll give you one for 10 bucks.
Cole: You got change for a 20?
Dr. Kelso: Nope. We'll drop a couple of these bad boys and go trolling for ladies at the airport bar.
Cole: Will you be my grandpa?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, little man. Sure.

Cole: Done! That vein didn't stand a chance. I owned that bitch!
Dr. Cox: As much as it pains me to admit it, that bitch is indeed yours. Well done.

J.D.: "Mesmerizing", "hilarious", "If you only take one class this year, make it Dr. D.'s. It's the nonstop thrill ride of the quarter."

Denise: I got you a present.
Drew: What is it?
Denise: I don't know. It came out of the guy in room 12.
Drew: That's sweet. It's still warm.

Denise: Oh, God. Here's Sunny.
Drew: Who's Sunny?
Dr. Cox: Sunny is a wicker basket of adorable kittens sliding down a shimmering rainbow. Head for the hills.
Sunny: Oh, hi, guys!
Dr. Cox: It's too late. If she talks to me, shoot me.

Turk: I think this is Barry Friedman's room.
J.D.: Turk, I can see the number 23 from here. We don't need that stupid magnifying glass.
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn. Why didn't I get one of those for me? You've got to be careful when you're working a mystery...
Turk: Dr. Kelso!
Dr. Kelso: Well, well. Come in or shut the door. You're lettin' all the funk out.
J.D.: [v.o.] Because you might not like what you find.