‘My Urologist’
Season 5, Episode 23 - Aired May 16, 2006
J.D. finds himself fascinated by a urologist at the hospital, Kim (guest star Elizabeth Banks), who he hasn't noticed before in the past five years. Meanwhile, Elliot starts to have doubts about her relationship with Keith, Carla is experiencing pregnancy mood swings, and Dr. Kelso insists he isn't afraid of the Janitor.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: So because she wears a wedding ring, she's invisible to me?
Turk: Yes.
J.D.: Please, T. I'm not that shallow.
Turk: Oh, really? Will all women who are married in the area please remove your wedding rings?
J.D.: [scoffs]
[The room is now full of women]
Turk: Thank you.
J.D.: Dr. Feinberg? Anastasia? Gift shop girl.
Quote from Jordan
Jordan: Hey, girls. Listen, Perry got uppity with me for, and I quote, "spending $20,000 we don't have on shoes," so I figured I'd get back at him by treating everyone to drinks tonight.
Quote from J.D.
Kim: I hope you like your new initial.
J.D.: I don't mind it a turtle's wink.
J.D.: [v.o.] Wait, you only pepper your conversation with cute animal imagery if you're smitten.
Kim: Could you lend me a pen?
J.D.: Quick as a porcupine's hiccup.
J.D.: [v.o.] All right, there's only one problem with this.
Kim: OK, see ya, J.D.
J.D.: Kim, wait. Unfortunately, there's no way I can make you mine, unless I make you mine for eternity.
Kim: Dr. Acula, don't stop!
J.D.: Vampires like it windy.
Quote from Jordan
Carla: I don't want Keith to go. Elliot, I don't want Keith to go! [crying]
Jordan: There, there. [pushes Carla off the chair] What? "I'm pregnant. I'm crying. I'm laughing." Enough already! It's boring.
Quote from J.D.
Carla: And you know how hard single life can be. Just ask Kim.
J.D.: Wait. Kim's single?
Elliot: Oh, yeah. She's been divorced for, like, over a year. She just wears the ring at the hospital so she doesn't get hit on all the time.
J.D.: Turk, keys!
[J.D. rushes out of the apartment and gets in his car. Turk throws the keys out of the window, which J.D. catches while sitting in the driver's seat]
J.D.: Yahtzee!
Quote from Turk
Greaser: Hold on. Dr. Turk, I covered your gastric-bypass patient last night and he left a message for you.
Turk: What'd he say?
Greaser: You are square. [greasers laughing]
Turk: Stupid greasers.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Oh, here comes Kim. She's had all night to think. So she'll probably be in a shame spiral. Let's enjoy it.
Kim: Oh, hey, fellas, how you living?
Turk: Large! What! [to J.D.] What, was I not supposed to answer?
Quote from Kim
Kim: Hey, dudes.
J.D.: Don't "hey, dudes" us. You know what bothers me?
Kim: Non-threatening colloquial greetings?
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: [whistles] Looks like somebody took their new titanium eight iron with a leather grip and went to town on your van.
Janitor: Well done, sir.
Dr. Kelso: What? You think I did it? [removes golf glove] Too bad you can't prove it.
Janitor: Really?
Quote from Janitor
Dr. Kelso: What the hell is this?
Janitor: It's Dorian's camera. This must be a scene from Dr. Acula.
[on TV:]
Turk: You ain't taking no more blood from my ho-slapping hand. I will pimp slap you! This feels really racist, J.D. Why can't I be a vampire?
J.D.: Because it's my movie! Now, let's take it from the top and I'm not gonna ask you again, blacker!
Turk: Blacker.
J.D.: Yes, please. Blacker.
[Now, J.D. is wearing an Afro and Turk is dressed like a vampire]
Janitor: Now comes the good part.
Dr. Kelso: [on video] Prove that! And that! And that! And that! And that! Yeah!
Dr. Kelso: What do you want?