Janitor: Hey, Dorian, can I borrow that pencil for a second? Just one second? Thank you. [fake Italian accent] Oh, no. I snapped the pencil. What do you think? It's from my standup act.
J.D.: Where do you perform?
Janitor: I'm at the Giggle Pit every Monday at sunup.
J.D.: Oh, I'll have to come by sometime.
Janitor: Do it, man.
J.D.: Wait a second, I'm mad at you. You stole my video camera with all the scenes from Dr. Acula, the vampire movie I'm making.
Janitor: Why do you think I stole it?
J.D.: I don't know. Maybe I was surfing the hospital's Web site and I saw that someone posted the "Dr. Acula delivers a baby then eats it" scene. Someone with the screen name "Rotinaj." "Rotinaj" is just "Janitor" spelled backwards, Rotinaj.
Janitor: Morning, Dr. Rotinaj.
Indian Doctor: Good morning, Mr. Clean-Up-Man.

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, nametags. I need to wire some cash to my son so he can make bail. Apparently, that musical he was producing was just a front for a crystal meth lab. And here's the kicker: He fled to Toronto, so now the freaking Mounties are involved. Anyhoo, I need somebody to zip out to my house and grab $400.
Janitor: I'll do it. I shouldn't be mopping in here anyway. This is a rug.
J.D.: [sloshing] Don't let him in your house, sir. He'll steal everything you've got like he stole my camera.
Dr. Kelso: You know the difference between you and me, Dorian?
J.D.: Your melon-sized prostate, sir?
Dr. Kelso: I will never fear this man. You think I'm afraid of you, chief?
Janitor: No, sir, I do not.
Dr. Kelso: Now, look, I keep my extra cash in a pickle jar on the top shelf over the sink. Enid wants that jar so bad she can taste it. [laughs] Oh, right. You don't remember she's paralyzed and can't stand out of her wheelchair. That's why you're not laughing.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. We're not laughing because we're all horrified.
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Well, it tickles me.

Turk: OK, honey, I know Elliot upset you with this whole Keith thing, but listen, we're all gonna be extra, extra sensitive so you don't get riled up, OK?
Elliot: I'm wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?
Turk: She's pregnant, she's not a bull.

J.D.: Hey, girl. What are you doing? Want to get some coffee later?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then, the ultimate Cox-block.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Hey. Why isn't Mr. Peters in there getting surgery?
Kim: I decided against it.
J.D.: Yeah, she thought it would be best if I treated him medically.
Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, nobody's ever thought that, ever. And secondly, she's a cutter. When is the last time you ever met a cutter who didn't want to cut? Laverne, you've been here 40 years now. You ever heard of such a thing?
Nurse Roberts: I'm gonna kill somebody.

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, it's always good to hear the truth.
Dr. Cox: Surgery is really the only thing that has a shot at curing this guy, and the reason that she's not going to do it is because he's older and because he's got heart issues, which makes him high risk. And if he were to drop dead on her operating table, well, that would make her surgery stats go down. And that wouldn't look very good on a young doctor's resume, would it?
J.D.: [v.o.] Even if it means losing respect for someone you might like.
Kim: What can I say? You got me.

Dr. Kelso: I know you took my money to buy that ridiculous coat.
Janitor: I bet you can't prove it.
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: Enid, you are my eyewitness. Did he take more than $400? Enid, is that a new pantsuit?
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: You think you're pretty smart, don't you?
Janitor: All I think is that leather never goes out of style, and if you're going to keep money in a pickle jar, you should probably know how much is there, and it never hurts to buy your invalid wife something nice so maybe she can feel pretty. These are just general thoughts about life, nothing specific to you.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, please weigh in.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. I would liken them to rocks, but that would insult rocks because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges with them, we throw them at those guys who wear tiny phones clipped to their heads. It's a phone. You can't do this? However-
J.D.: Now, back to the crux of the matter. Hit her, Per!
Dr. Cox: However, it is not Dr. Briggs' fault that she works in a broken system. Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons who they think are flawless. Newbie, that's not the answer you thought you were going to hear, but as always, I don't care.
Kim: Thank God he didn't see this. [over ear piece] Yeah, Mom, I was listening the whole time. I just couldn't talk.

Dr. Kelso: I don't want to do this.
Janitor: No problem. I'll just give the tape to the police.
Dr. Kelso: [over P.A.] Ladies and gentleman, this is your chief of medicine, Bob Kelso. "I feel compelled to tell you that I do, in fact, fear the Janitor. Honestly, is there anyone else with such a brilliant mind?"

Dr. Kelso: [over P.A.] "So please join me in basking in the glow of the Janitor's awesome..." This isn't a word.
Janitor: Read it.
Dr. Kelso: "Fearitude. Good night."
Janitor: [imitating Edward Murrow over P.A.] And good luck. I loved that movie.

Carla: Baby, look at this! I'm starting to look like a big fat pregnant lady.
Turk: No, you're not, baby. You just look like you let yourself go a little.
Carla: [crying]
Turk: OK, that came out wrong. But baby, it's OK. You're just overreacting because your pregnancy hormones are totally taking over. It's fine. These past few days, your moods have changed like that.
Carla: That is not true! [slaps Turk]
Turk: That's cool.
Carla: I'm sorry. Let me kiss the owie. Kiss the owie. [kisses Turk] Baby. Oh, I want to do it right now.
Turk: You don't want to do it now, honey. This'll pass.
Carla: This is happening. [they kiss]
Turk: You're damn right this is happening.
Carla: My mom. [sobbing] I can't believe she'll never meet her grandchild.
Turk: Do you want to start off with the kissing, or should we just get right to the good stuff?
Carla: What is wrong with you? [pushes Turk over]
Turk: When will you learn?