Kim: Well, I'm up for anything. I married my high school boyfriend so the only first date I ever went on was in tenth grade. It began with me in the back of his Miata because his friend Benny called shotgun and it ended with us going to the arcade to, and I quote, "Eat pizza and beat up nerds." And I married that guy.

Elliot: You don't have anything planned, do you?
J.D.: You had to soil the food court thing. It's veal piccata night at Sbarro's.

Carla: Ooooh! Laverne, I didn't know you knit.
Nurse Roberts: I sure do. Mr. Roberts doesn't have one pair of store-bought socks. [to Jordan, who was mocking her] I'm gonna knit you a muzzle.

Dr. Cox: Those are all from us.
Jordan: It's just Jack's old baby crap. We're really excited to get rid of all that stuff and watch you guys suffer through the hellish relationship-ruining nightmare that is the baby phase. Open something.
Dr. Cox: Go ahead. Go ahead. oh, those are my workout pants.
Jordan: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Dr. Cox: She's been trying to get rid of those, but I'll be honest with you, I love them cause they're so comfortable and you can get them on real quick.
Turk: You ain't lying. Baby, check it out. [dances]
Carla: Wonderful. Thank you.

Keith: Why can't we just talk to people?
Elliot: Because, Keith, this is the baby games station. Once we start playing, people will join us. OK, guess what flavor baby food this is?
Keith: Cab driver feet?
Elliot: No, Keith, it's turnips! You got it wrong, so you got finish the whole jar! You guys, this is so much fun!
Keith: [gagging]

J.D.: I have to get ready. I want my date with Kim to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?
Turk: Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday?
J.D.: Yeah. Except this time with two horses.

J.D.: [v.o.] I didn't need luck, because this was going to be the most romantic first date ever.
J.D.: Your steed, my lady.
Kim: J.D., I've never ridden a horse on a beach before. [chuckles]
J.D.: And upsie-daisy.
Kim: Woo! No saddles? You going to be OK riding bareback?
J.D.: No problemo. What's so hard about riding bareback?
[Nazareth's "Love Hurts" plays as we watch a delighted Kim gracefully ride her horse, while J.D. is in agony]
Kim: Oh, that was amazing! Wasn't that so much fun?
J.D.: [high-pitched] Oh yeah. It was awesome.

Elliot: This one's from me and Keith. Oh, he'd be here but he's just in the bathroom, throwing up summer squash.
Carla: Let's see here. Oooh.
Elliot: It's a preggy-teddy. I got it over at that new maternity lingerie store at the mall. I had a very interesting conversation with the sweet, old lady who owns the place. She said not many pregnant women shop there. It's mostly just fat whores.
All: Oh.
Nurse Roberts: I got to get me one of those.

Kim: I called an ambulance, but you should really let me examine you.
J.D.: Oh, no, no. The date continues.
Kim: J.D., I'm a urologist. And there's a good chance you have testicular torsion. In which case, you could lose a testicle. So, come on. Off with the pants.
J.D.: [pained] Looks like my plan is working.
Kim: Okay, detruser function is normal. One is significantly larger than the other.
J.D.: Actually, that's a pre-existing condition.
Kim: So the right one's always been bigger?
J.D.: Yes. Wait. Your right or stage right?
Kim: Let me test the retraction.
J.D.: Retracted.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, the date's not going exactly as planned, but you can still save it with your legendary gift for small-talk.
J.D.: So, you're from Texas, huh? They say that's the Lone Star State. What exactly does that mean?

Jordan: My boobs are so big right now. Honestly, I think Dr. Fishman threw in something a little extra when he did my chin.
Dr. Cox: Would you, would you like to see something really, just, beautiful? There goes all of Jackie-boy's baby stuff.