Carla: Okay, I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
Dr. Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
Dr. Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms. We need some more clicky tops.
Dr. Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
Dr. Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. Everybody gets the same.
Dr. Kelso: Fine. I'll just take these. [Dr. Cox knocks the pens over] You just bought yourself four weekends on call. Damn twisty bottoms!
Carla: You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
Dr. Cox: I can't stop!

Turk: Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby. And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby, you will be my baby forever, baby.
Carla: Stop saying "baby"!

Turk: You're not even dressed yet? We gotta pick up Carla on the way, man.
Turk: You know what, tell her I couldn't come up with anything, so I guess I don't love her.
Marco: Gimme that.
Turk: For what?
Marco: I'm gonna write your vows for you. Ooh, a clicky top.
Turk: Does this mean we're amigos?
Marco: No. It means that I love my sister, and she deserves to hear something beautiful said about her. And I'm positive if your life was on the line, you couldn't squeeze one eloquent coherent thought out of that tether ball you call a head!
Turk: Thank you.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm a sick man. Last night, after three years of chasing Elliot, I convinced her to dump her perfect boyfriend and then immediately realized I don't want her. What the hell's wrong with me? Luckily she doesn't have to get up until 9 and she's an incredibly heavy sleeper. An incredibly heavy sleeper. Wow. I knew I needed to talk this over with someone who understood me. Someone I had recently been intimate with.
Larry: Yeah?
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, not him.
Danni: J.D., this is Larry. Larry, this is J.D.
Larry: I think I'll go put on some underwear.
J.D.: Please, Larry. What the hell you doing with that guy?
Danni: I don't know. I thought it'd be cool to date a celebrity.
J.D.: He's not a celebrity. [v.o.] Wait a second. [outloud] Are you the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld?
Larry: No.
J.D.: Say the soup thing.
Larry: No!
J.D.: Dammit.

Carla: Turk, we're getting married tomorrow.
Turk: Yeah.
Carla: Why aren't you excited?
Turk: 'cause, baby, we've been here for an hour and you've already said it like thirteen times.
Carla: But we're getting married tomorrow! Have you been working on your vows?
Turk: Define "work."
Carla: It's the difference between special birthday sex and no sex on our wedding night.
Turk: Yeah, I do like the special birthday sex.

Carla: Turk, when I asked you if you wanted to write your own vows, you said yes.
Turk: Baby, I'm on top of it, all right? I promise you this weekend'll go off without a hitch!
Carla: Oh, hey, how did it go picking up my brother at the airport this morning?
Turk: I'm sorry, what?
Carla: How could you forget him!? You two have enough trouble getting along as it is.
Turk: Baby, I'm joking. [runs away]
Carla: Aw.
[As Turk leaves the hospital, Marco arrives on the back of a pick-up truck transporting a goat]
Turk: Hey, Marco! The invites said no dates! No da-

J.D.: [v.o.] I don't think my hang-up with Elliot has anything to do with my sexy, amazing mom. And I'm not that much of a commitophobe. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve someone as great as Elliot because I have low self-esteem.
Elliot: Do you know that you have really nice hands?
J.D.: "Nice"? Elliot, these are the hands of a god!
J.D.: [v.o.] Fine, so it's not the self-esteem thing.

J.D.: [v.o.] Then Elliot and I got to witness an event that many had spoken of, but none had ever seen.
Elliot: The arrival of the janitors.
J.D.: Good morning!
Janitor: Is it? Is it really?

Man: I'd stay out of his way today. He just lost the election for union president.
J.D.: Who won?
Man: [to Randall] Congratulations, sir.
Randall: Welcome to work, boys. Be the best janitors you can be today. [to the Janitor] No hard feelings, brah.
Janitor: Oh, there's hard feelings.

Marco: TuPac, I was watching that.
Turk: Dude, I gotta do my vows.
Turk: Oh, come on, man. That was When Harry Met Sally, it was a classic.
Turk: Oh, yeah, dude. You know, I was gonna rent that the other night, but then I remembered I'm a heterosexual.