J.D.: What?
Elliot: Nothing. I just love the way you drift off in your head sometimes.
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess the Soup Nazi was right, it is the little things that are important. Like when Elliot blows the bangs out of her face. Or how she's the only person I know who sneezes with her eyes open.
Elliot: Atchoo. Ahem. Excuse me.
J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when I realized that I really liked all those things about Elliot, but I didn't love them and I didn't love her.
Elliot: You're the best. See you later.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, boy.

Jordan: Oh, my God. That board meeting went on forever! It was so dull, I had to read pamphlets just to stay awake. Good news is? Don't have testicular cancer.

Dr. Cox: Tell me, did ya happen to come across any pamphlets on people who only work eight days a year and then spend the other 357 whining about it?
Jordan: What part of "I'm not fighting with you anymore" do you not get? If you want someone to fight with, you have to find someone else.
Dr. Cox: Mm-hmm. Oh, good. Here you're wetting down the floor for the older folks.
Janitor: Please say that you're talking to me.
Dr. Cox: I don't see anybody else around, soap jockey.

Turk: [to Marco] Chew louder!]
J.D.: Turk, I need your help, man. It's about Elliot.
Marco: Why, did you sleep with her again?
J.D.: How does everybody know about this? Turk, I'm not in love with her, man. What am I supposed to do? It's killing me that I could be hurting her. [to Marco] You're a very loud chewer.

Turk: Dude, I would love to help right now, but I'm in the middle of writing my vows. And all I've got so far is, "Let's give it up for the caterers. Woo! Good chicken."

[Dr. Cox shoves the Janitor]
Janitor: That was a mistake.
Dr. Cox: Why's that? Because you're afraid you can't take me?
Janitor: No. It's because of this. Boys!
[A team of maintenance men emerge and carry Dr. Cox away]
Janitor: You know where to take him.

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in love with Elliot. But I'm a man, and even though it was gonna be tough, I knew exactly what I had to do.
J.D.: Ready to go? I say we pick up some Chinese and hang at home tonight.
Elliot: Awesome.
J.D.: [v.o.] I was going to stay with her for the rest of my life.

J.D.: [v.o.] Once you embrace a relationship and decide that you're really in, everything becomes easier. And I am in, baby.
Elliot: So, my parents are coming to town next week.
J.D.: We must eat with them.
Elliot: Oh, all right.
J.D.: Hey, Elliot. Thanks for letting me crash at your place while Carla's family's in town for the wedding.
Elliot: Oh, it's not problem. See ya, roomie.
J.D.: [v.o.] And now we live together.

[When J.D. pulls open a drawer in the morgue, Dr. Cox is laying on the tray with his hands tied together and tape over his mouth]
J.D.: What the? [removes tape]
Dr. Cox: Sheila!
J.D.: Aagh! [Dr. Cox mumbles after J.D. reapplies the tape] I can only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm gonna kill ya". Not gonna happen. Listen, I'm in a rare position of power here, okay? So I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor. [Dr. Cox groans] I know! I know that makes you angry, but-- [Dr. Cox splits the tape on his hands] Uh-oh! [Dr. Cox chokes J.D.] Okay! Okay! You know, I'm fine the other way! However you wanna do-

Carla: Dr. Cox. Why is your mouth red?
Dr. Cox: Duct-taped two hours in a morgue drawer. Don't piss off the Janitor. End of story.