Dr. Kelso: Hey, ace. I want you to find my gardener, Hector, a room. He has a mild case of cellulitis, and I need him in tip-top shape by the weekend. I'm having my annual lawn-bowling tournament, and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass, my game goes to heck in a hand-basket.
Dr. Cox: Dammit all, Bob, you know we don't have an extra bed in this dump.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

J.D.: Well, I better get to work before all the good patients are taken.

Carla: You ever think there's more to Dr. Kelso than we know?
Dr. Cox: Sure, is he in fact a latex-encased robot with real human hair and a circuit board where his heart should be? I can't- I can't rule that out.

Dr. Kelso: Now, your patients on this wing have all been complaining about odd noises.
Dr. Casey: Oh, if it's a "bink" I can explain.
Dr. Kelso: It isn't "bink"! Stop saying "bink"!
J.D.: Was it [sings] "I come from the land down under! Where women glow and men plunder!" That wasn't me.
Dr. Kelso: Just figure it out, dammit!
Dr. Casey: Do you plunder?
J.D.: I have been known to plunder. What's that noise he's talking about? [toilet flushes]

Janitor: That, my friends, is a roof toilet.
Dr. Casey: I'm sorry, you said that like it's a normal thing.
J.D.: Careful with this guy, he's uh...
Janitor: Hey, you're the guy that's been using up all my soap.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've got OCD.
Janitor: Really!? My grandpa had that. Every morning he'd take a gym sock, fill it up with nickels, and just beat us! [laughs] That's OCD, right?
J.D.: The bad kind.
Dr. Casey: Who would use this thing?
J.D.: You kiddin'? Oh, man. Just picture yourself, you're standing out here, in the open air, then you sit down and you take stock of your life. I've had some major epiphanies on this old girl. See, you can't do any soul-searching down there on those germ-infested crappers.
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn him. He's right.

Elliot: So tell me, is it harder being a surgeon or a doctor?
Dr. Casey: Oh, definitely a surgeon. 'cause when you tell people that a loved one died, you have to do that thing where you pull your surgical mask down and you shake your head. If you do it too fast, it says, you know, I knew he was gonna die. And if you take too long and pause with it, it gives 'em false hope. So you have to do it perfectly. "Ah, damn."
Elliot: If one of my loved ones ever dies, I hope it's because of you.
Dr. Casey: Hey, me too.

Janitor: Tell me you're not waiting to use my roof toilet.
Nurse Roberts: Well, I would use Dr. Kelso's like I normally do, but I don't wanna wake up Hector.

Ted: "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste"- I thought that was a nice touch. "Legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.
Dr. Kelso: Shocker.

Hector: [Spanish: "I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble."]
Carla: [Spanish: "Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich."]
Ted: I forget is "que se joda", "kill him" or "screw him"?
Both: "Screw him."
Ted: Aw.

Carla: The point is, it doesn't seem like he hates Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Say- Say, Bobbo, is it possible that you're occasionally a decent human being in your life outside of this place?
Dr. Kelso: Well, champ, seeing as you don't exist in my life outside this place, I doubt it's any of your damn business.