Elliot: We're gonna get going.
Dr. Cox: No, no, no, no. There is no way that you get to spring your little boy-toy here for a night of passionless passion while my ass is here and Jordan's whispering sweet nothings to a shower nozzle.
J.D.: Uh, I'm gonna hang out back here.
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We'll leave it up to your interns. [whistles] Who here doesn't think that Barbie should abuse her power? Ah. There we go. Fair and square. Face-jock stays.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's a strange feeling when everyone's stuck in hell and you're not.
Turk: I might be sterile?
Carla: Oh, honey. Stay calm. Nobody knows but us.
J.D.: [over watch] You firing blanks, buddy?

Elliot: You know what's going on? You don't like, Keith. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong. [J.D. shrugs] Thanks, J.D. You're a great friend.
Turk: [over watch] At least you're not sterile.
J.D.: Amen to that, C Bear.

Turk: Stupid watchie-talkie.
Nurse Roberts: I heard they really want to have children, but they can't 'cause he- [sees Turk]
Carla: Don't worry, baby. I'll kick her ass for you later.

Mrs. Cooke: Oh, for God's sake, breathe through your nose. You sound like my bulldog.
Dr. Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome! Go! Go! Go!"
Mrs. Cooke: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.
Dr. Cox: God Almighty.

Lisa: Dr. Reid, we think it is lame that you give Keith preferential treatment. We're filing a formal complaint with Dr. Kelso.
Elliot: Oh, okay. Well, you know what? You guys can tell Kelso whatever you want because he's gonna hear facts. I'm sleeping with Keith, his gets his schedule's shifted and he gets the most interesting cases. Who wants 20 bucks? That's not gonna work. I don't have that much money, so...

Turk: I just got in here.
Carla: Baby, what are you doing here? I was home thinking about my fertility test and how badly I wanted you to be there.
Turk: Baby, I'm a man. We're not that vulnerable.
Carla: I don't really know why I didn't tell you about it. I guess I was just scared that, if I got bad news, I'd be letting you down.
Turk: I can see how you'd feel that way.
Carla: Anyway, I thought I'd come over.
Turk: Aw, thanks, sweetie. But you might want to go outside 'cause I'm about to fill this up.
Carla: Why would I wait outside?
Turk: That's what's up. That's what's up.

Dr. Cox: You are more than welcome to have your goon take both my thumbs and break them if you want to, Bob, but I am officially O-U-T out. I mean, come on, I don't even see how you could like that woman.
Dr. Kelso: I don't. She was married to my best friend, Richard. He died a few years back. You know the deal with friends. If they love 'em, you have to love 'em, whether you like it or not.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, do you really believe that? Or are you just saying that to look good? Ah, who am I kidding? You don't care what anybody thinks about you, do you? I gotta tell you, though. You gave me some good advice about how to deal with Elliot. Cootchie-cootchie-cootchie-coo!
Dr. Kelso: Can I fire him?
Dr. Cox: Sleep on it.

Dr. Cox: Say, one more thing about devil-lady in there. Why me?
Dr. Kelso: I know it's a minor condition, Perry, but you know how things can turn.
Dr. Cox: But you wanted me in there because I'm the best what, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: No.
Dr. Cox: Say it, or I will go in there and tell her you're dying to be with her more often.
Dr. Kelso: [speaks gibberish]
Dr. Cox: Beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: You're the best doctor.
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Bob. That means a lot to me.

Elliot: Listen, I know that everyone is very upset, but I really don't think there's any need to bother Dr. Kelso.
Lisa: It's too late, Dr. Reid.
J.D.: You're right, Lisa, it is too late, because from now on, I'm gonna be handing out all the case assignments. For instance, this cool case right here. Should I give it to the most annoying intern? Because that would be you, Lisa. Or maybe I should give it to the most incompetent intern missing a finger. Because that would be you, Rex. Or maybe I should just give it to the best intern. Which would be you, Keith. Now if anyone wants to tell on me to whomever they like, they can. Good day.