‘My Life in Four Cameras’
Season 4, Episode 17 - Aired February 15, 2005
After a TV news report about an E. coli outbreak inspires panic, J.D. is excited to meet a sitcom writer among the E.R. patients. Unfortunately, life at the hospital isn't as simple as in a sitcom: Turk and Carla realize they don't have the spark of a new relationship, and Dr. Cox takes on the burden of trying to cut the budget without firing someone.
Quote from Elliot
News Anchor: [on T.V.] With 27 deaths so far, this strain of E. coli from tainted meat is quite serious. So if you're a big meat-eater, be careful.
[J.D., Turk and Carla groan]
J.D.: [v.o.] The reason we were upset was that every time the media reports on some weird health crisis, everyone who sees it thinks they have it.
[at the hospital:]
Elliot: Oh, not so bad. It's only a few people here.
[everything shakes as a stampede of people descend on the hospital]
Elliot: Okay, okay, everybody just shut up! Thank you. Now, who's first?
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course there's always one positive when something like this happens.
[J.D. crowd surfs:]
J.D.: Whoo, whoo! I love medicine! Whoa, grandma, that's my no-fly zone.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: Uh, Dr. Cox. We're having a bit of a crisis here.
Dr. Cox: Ah, I see that. It seems you two have worn the same outfit. Barbie, if it's any consolation, it looks slightly better on you.
Elliot: No, I'm talking about all the- Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Sure.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Well, Mr. Bernstein, do you have vomiting and diarrhea?
[montage:]
Mr. Bernstein: No.
Woman: No.
Man: No.
Woman: No.
Man: No.
Woman: No.
Mr. James: No.
J.D.: Okay, then, Mr. James, you're free- Wait a second. Charles James? I was watching the Cheers DVD the other night. Are you Charles James the writer?
Mr. James: Yeah, that's me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Just stay calm.
J.D.: Uh, Elliot, I need to take this gentleman upstairs for some more tests.
Elliot: J.D., don't leave me here.
J.D.: This is very important. He may even need a surgical consult.
Quote from J.D.
J.D. and Turk: Norm!
Mr. James: Yeah, I get it.
[J.D. and Turk laugh]
Quote from Turk
Carla: What are you doing? No tongue before 10:00.
Turk: Baby, if J.D. and Kylie can make time for that stupid appointment kiss once a day, we should be able to do it twice a day.
Carla: Love is not a competition.
Turk: Okay.
Carla: Make it three times.
Turk: All right. See you at noon?
Carla: Noon.
Quote from Turk
Turk: My wife's name's Carla.
J.D.: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Turk: Like Carla from the show.
J.D.: Just like it.
Mr. James: Wow. I've never actually met anyone who had the same name as a character on the show.
J.D. & Turk: Really?
Mr. James: No.
J.D.: Well, that's understandable.
Turk: Yeah.
J.D.: I mean, there's a lot of Sams.
Turk: Probably a lot of Carlas.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: Excuse me, J.D. I just spent the last three hours interviewing 212 hypochondriacs, half of whom don't speak any English. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to mime diarrhea?!
J.D.: [to Mr. James] Talk about your Dianes!
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: All right. Fair enough. Now I got your little budget reports. You don't know who to fire, do you?
Dr. Kelso: Fine. Keep 'em. You do it.
Dr. Cox: Watch and learn. I'll do it, and I'll do it without firing a single person.
[later:]
Dr. Cox: I have to fire someone.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: I can't believe you left me all alone for a stupid TV writer.
J.D.: Oh, like that is any different from the time you spent all night hanging out with your favorite weatherman from Channel 4.
Elliot: The man had a massive heart attack. I was nothing but professional.
[flashback:]
Elliot: Okay, he's stable! Just take the picture, Carla.