‘My Life in Four Cameras’
Season 4, Episode 17 - Aired February 15, 2005
After a TV news report about an E. coli outbreak inspires panic, J.D. is excited to meet a sitcom writer among the E.R. patients. Unfortunately, life at the hospital isn't as simple as in a sitcom: Turk and Carla realize they don't have the spark of a new relationship, and Dr. Cox takes on the burden of trying to cut the budget without firing someone.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Just tell me who the last person hired was, would you, please?
Kenny: Looks like you folks could use a little refresher. Servin' people like you who save lives every day makes me happier than a kitten chasin' a leaky cow. God bless ya, huh? God bless ya. [exits]
Dr. Cox: I have to fire Opie, don't I?
Jordan: You think?
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] There are moments when we all wish life was more like a sitcom.
Elliot: I'm so sorry.
[sitcom fantasy:]
J.D.: I'm sorry, too, sir.
Mr. James: Well, the good news is I won't have to eat my wife's cooking anymore, right? [Elliot laughs, audience laughs]
J.D.: [v.o.] J.D.'s sitcom fantasy will be back after these messages.
Quote from Dr. Cox
[sitcom fantasy:]
Kenny: You you wanted to see me?
Dr. Cox: Hell, yeah, I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I- I think you're doin' a great job. Boy, that meatloaf today was it was virtually hairless.
Kenny: I took off the gloves, and it makes the hair a lot easier to pick out.
Dr. Cox: Get out of here.
Quote from J.D.
[sitcom fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: All right. [whistles] Knuckleheads. I need one of you to win this talent show.
Elliot: I can do Shakespeare in German! In college, I double-majored in theater and classic languages.
J.D.: Does that degree come with headgear and allergies?
Quote from J.D.
[sitcom fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I almost forgot about you.
J.D.: You know what? Save your breath. I'm about to get in a hot-air balloon and get Evil Knievel on my own ass. Come on, Elliot. Let's go french-kiss the sun.
Quote from J.D.
[sitcom fantasy:]
Mr. James: What an amazing day. A balloon ride, lunch by the beach, and my first carnival.
Elliot: Yeah. Sorry you missed out on getting your face painted.
Mr. James: Well, they only had time to paint one more face, so I let the kid behind me go to make him stop crying.
J.D.: [enters with Spider-man face paint] That was awesome.
Dr. Cox: Spider-girl.
Quote from Elliot
[sitcom fantasy:]
Elliot: O Romeo, Romeo - Warum bist du Romeo? Verleugne deinen Vater und entsage deinem Namen – oder wenn du das nicht willst, so schwöre mir nur ewige.
Carla: Gesundheit.
Quote from J.D.
[sitcom fantasy:]
J.D.: [goofy voice] And if any of you cows, goats, or ducks have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me. I'm just like all of you, only giant and human. [normal voice] Thank you. I hope you enjoyed our production of world's most giant doctor goes to the farm.
Turk: So, what did we end up going with? Oh, you went with the farm idea.
Quote from Turk
[sitcom fantasy:]
Carla: Uh, Turk and I are gonna go home and spend some time together. Some good time.
Turk: And by good time, she means bumpin' uglies.