Jordan: Oh, for god's sake, Perry, adjust your bra, man up, and fire the one with the least pathetic story.
Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?
Janitor: Well, let me fill you in. First we have Hank, four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next to him is Mike, lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy, been here 30 year, just 2 away from retirement.
Jordan: You're- You're friends with all these people?
Janitor: Are you kidding me? I read their files. I read everybody's files, Ms. Manic-Depressive, Dr. Drinks-a-lot.

[sitcom fantasy:]
J.D.: [v.o.] J.D.'s sitcom fantasy is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Mr. James: It's weird. There's just so many things I never got to do in my life, like go to a carnival or take a ride in a hot-air balloon.
Elliot: We can do all that. We are gonna give you the best day ever.
J.D.: Elliot, a word? A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous. I mean, he could get hurt.
Elliot: What's he gonna do, bruise one of his giant malignant tumors?
J.D.: Safety is always important, Elliot.
Elliot: Oh, my god. You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you?
J.D.: It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

[sitcom fantasy:]
J.D.: Beside, I defy you to find one other thing that I'm afraid of.
Janitor: [enters] Moppin' time, moppin' time. [audience cheers] It's moppin' time. There he is. Yes, it's mopping time, my friend, and as you know, I always like to start in the exact spot you're standing. Let's get to work. Here we go.
J.D.: Is that my new sweater?
Janitor: No. This is my new sweater mop.
J.D.: It went dynamite with my beige cords.
Janitor: You mean my beige cord sponge?

[sitcom fantasy:]
Dr. Kelso: Perry, why the hell is he still here? When I go back down to the cafeteria, there had better be only three workers there. Unless Margaret spits out another kid. That woman's like a Catholic bunny. Get it done.

[sitcom fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: Why? Why am I having such a hard time with this?
Jordan: Because apparently you have girl parts.
Dr. Cox: Kelso said that if we can cover his salary in the budget that Kenny can stay. But where are we gonna come up with $26,372?
[A man nails up a banner reading "Sacred Heart Hospital Talent Show Grand Prize $26,372"]
Dr. Cox: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Jordan: Yeah. Oh, that we invite muscles here to hang a banner in our bedroom that says "It takes three to party"?

[sitcom fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: Let's take a look at our other options. Gandhi you appear to be a man who is utterly without talent, unless of course you wanna count the fact that you are the 20th-best basketball player in a predominantly white hospital. Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.
Jordan: It's 27. Arkansas buckled.
Dr. Cox: Carla, that makes you my girl. Hell, we could crank up the humidity and watch your hair explode. That'd be terrific. Which leaves me, and unless all of you wanna see me turn a two-syllable word into a six-syllable word, I re-he-he-he-he-ally think that we should keep looking.

[sitcom fantasy:]
Carla: Because at least I can remember how long we've been married or what our song is.
Turk: I don't know the name of it, but I know it goes like this: [hums]
Carla: Are you humming the let's all go to the movies song?
Turk: Is that not our song?
Carla: It's sung by hot dogs.

[sitcom fantasy:]
Janitor: Hey, I'm wonderin', what's the story with steel wool? I mean, is it steel, or is it wool? Make up your mind, steel wool. Are there iron sheep hoppin' around Scotland? Oh, brother. Look, I- I- Either start laughing or I start unplugging your machines.

[sitcom fantasy:]
J.D.: Well, I hope you had a good day, Mr. James.
Elliot: Wait a second! This chart isn't for Charles James. It's for James Charles. He's the one who has cancer, not you.
J.D.: And who cares about him? He's anti-Semitic!
Mr. James: Well, that's a load off my mind.
J.D.: Hey, everybody. Thanks for coming so quickly. You know, this is the kind of thing I normally say out loud in my head, but since we're all here... It just seems like in the end, everything always works out because as long as we- [Mr. James collapses in bed]
Elliot: Mr. James? Mr. James, can you hear me? He's apneic! We need an airway! Call anesthesia!
J.D.: [v.o.] Wait, this isn't right.
[reality:]
Elliot: We're gonna intubate. Hang some dopamine, wide open! I need an E.T. tube. Where's anesthesia?

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, around here things don't always end as neat and tidy as they do in sitcoms. Relationships aren't always magically fixed in 30 minutes. You have to work on them. Problems don't always have easy solutions.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Kenny, once again, I'm I'm real sorry.
Dr. Kelso: Welcome to my world. Now imagine going home to my wife.
J.D.: [v.o.] And around here, nice people don't always get better. And at times like that, it's comforting to know there's always one thing that can pick your spirits up.