Mr. Keck: I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Turk: Well, you're just going to have to get him on the phone and tell him I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap! Gimme some!
J.D.: Ho!
Elliot: [on the phone] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
J.D.: You would make a pretty girl.
Mr. Keck: [on the phone] Yeah.
Elliot: All right, now repeat after me...
Mr. Keck: You can't decide for me, that's not your duty.
Elliot: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"?
Mr. Keck: Yeah. [to Turk and J.D.] Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
Turk: [on the phone] Who the hell is this?
Man: Where are my shoelaces?
Elliot: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive. Was that so hard?

Dr. Cox: Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I'm having him spend the rest of the day checking that countertop's heartbeat.
Keith: Sorry, Mr. Morrison.
Dr. Cox: Keith! I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.

J.D.: Ah, checking Mr. Countertop's heart rate. [slams folders down] Memories. Do you know that, once, Dr.
Cox made me give every AC unit in this hospital a Pap smear? The wacky thing was room 403 did have some yeast issues.

J.D.: So this is where germs are born.
Elliot: I cannot believe that you told these guys.
Turk: Elliot, she didn't. My patient told me that his clinic doctor was this blonde-haired woman who talked so fast and in such a high-pitched voice when she was upset, her words just eventually became gibberish.
Elliot: I really do not talk like that. I'm getting tired of you guys constantly saying...
Carla: Elliot, nobody but me can understand you.
Elliot: [high-pitched squeal]
Carla: That's just Turk, you know that's how he is.

Dr. Kelso: There was one spot open in the study. I gave it to the rich guy because with the money he's now donating, I can reopen the prenatal unit.
Dr. Cox: What really bothers me is that you can look in there at John Morrison, a guy that you essentially gave a death sentence to and just not care.
Dr. Kelso: It's not my job to care, Perry.

J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second?
Janitor: No. I'm busy cleaning. [all laugh] That one always kills.
J.D.: You remember earlier when I told you I'd never heard of Jiggly Ball? I was joking. I play it all the time.
Janitor: I like this. It's an idiot handle.
J.D.: Get off.
Janitor: As it happens, we're heading out right now to play some Jiggly Ball. Are you in?
J.D.: [v.o.] Just say no.
J.D.: Jiggle me in.

J.D.: Turk, have you heard of Jiggly Ball?
Turk: Yeah, it's a game the orderlies made up.
J.D.: I've heard of it too. It's so awesome that we've both heard of it.
Turk: Yes. That- That's awesome.

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, this intro is killing me. Have you seen Kelso?
Dr. Cox: Nope. But our new patient, Mr. Franks, in here is crazy rich, so I'd imagine Big Bob will be here momentarily to make love to his money clip.
[a whirlwind blows by as Dr. Kelso arrives at Mr. Frank's room]
Dr. Kelso: Hi. Bob Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, bozos. That gentleman over there is basically a cash pinata waiting to be whacked open. So how about someone diagnoses him so I can get my candy?
Dr. Cox: I'll be glad to do it, Bob, if you'll do me a favor and put my patient, Mr. Morrison, in that experimental drug trial.
Dr. Kelso: Sure, what the hell.
Dr. Cox: Deal.
J.D.: [v.o.] Finally I had something I could say in my speech. Dr. Kelso was an angel.

Elliot: Look, Lorraine, the sooner you let me have a look at that rash, the sooner we can get you back home. I mean, back on the street, which is your home. Hey, "Home, street home," huh? [laughs, snorts] I'm sorry, Lorraine, that was incredibly insensitive.
[J.D., Turk and Carla knock on the window]
Elliot: Frick!