Ted: Dr. Reid gave me Mr. Hicks' test results, but they're locked in my briefcase, and I lost the key.
Dr. Maddox: Allow me. Loving this thing!
Ted: And... here it is.
Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well, see you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.

J.D.: [v.o.] There was Denise, who could be a bit callous.
Denise: You know, it's ironic that "cancer" starts we "can," because at this stage, there's nothing we can do about it.
J.D.: Let's take a walk, sunshine.

Elliot: Keith is not still devastated. I mean, what the hell is Carla talking about? She's completely off base, right?
Turk: I have to disagree with you.
Elliot: You don't see my point at all?
Turk: You don't understand. I'm married to Carla, right? She has spies everywhere. So i have to disagree with you. I'm on to you, Rochelle.

J.D.: Interns. Alright, you guys psyched? It's our eighth year. Who's with me?
Turk: Yay.
J.D.: Come on, I know it's tempting to just mail it in, but there's still a lot of people who rely on us week to week. I think we owe it to them to be as inspired as we were in our first few years. Now I know we never do great come medical awards season. Except for Dr. Shalhoub, he wins everything. But I still think we're as good as anybody else out there.
Turk: The Nielsens certainly beg to differ.
J.D.: Oh, they're just upset 'cause their insurance won't cover a private room.

J.D.: [v.o.] Time to go teach the new interns. They started a week ago, and they suck.
J.D.: This patient's loss of temperature sensation on the contralateral side is consistent with which syndrome, Rodney?
J.D.: [v.o.] There was Katie, the self-centered climber.
Katie: McConaughey's.
Rodney: McConaughey's.
J.D.: McConaughey's is not a syndrome. He is, however, one of our finest working actors. I recently learned how I could lose him in 10 days.

Dr. Maddox: Okay, I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about me. One, I have an open door policy. Two, if you do your job well, you're great with me. And three, I don't like spiders. So if you see one, I want you to stomp it. I want you to stomp it dead, okay? I don't want you to put it into a little cup and take it outside, because it'll just find its way back in, okay? They're sneaky. Oh, can someone help that man to his room?
Ted: Oh. No, I- I'm not sick. I'm just cold, and there were no chairs. I'm- I'm a lawyer.
Dr. Maddox: Of course you are, sweetie.

J.D.: I know people are down on these new interns, but everyone's teachable, you know? Even Jo.
Turk: Who?
J.D.: I like to call Denise "Jo" because she reminds me of that streetwise, mannish girl on Facts of Life.
Turk: You know, Katie's cutesy and blonde. You could call her "Blair".
J.D.: "Blair" is stupid.
J.D.: [v.o.] "Blair" is perfect, but now I can never use it in front of Turk, or he'll say "You're welcome!" in that really smug way of his.

J.D.: Uh, upper right abdominal pain. What's your diagnosis, Jo?
Katie: I know.
J.D.: Of course you do, Katie, because you know anything that anyone's ever asked you ever. But I didn't ask you. I asked Jo.
Denise: Well, the patient definitely looks like hell, so-
J.D.: Quick side note. When a patient's eyes are open, that usually means that they're awake. Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher. You look very beautiful today. Doesn't she?
Denise: Yeah, your jaundice makes you glow.
J.D.: Yes, yellow like the sun.

Elliot: Can you even believe Dr. Cox, calling me whiny and self-involved?
Carla: Elliot, you know how we're so close we can say anything to each other, right?E
Elliot: Yeah?
Carla: Look, over the last year or so, you've been going through a lot. You got engaged. You broke off your wedding at the last second. It'd be easy for anyone to become a little self-absorbed.
Elliot: What are you saying, Carla?
Dr. Kelso: This is why I come here every day.
Ted: You come here every day? Loser! [Kelso pops his balloon] My balloon!

Janitor: Stop confusing me by being nice and giving me phones.
J.D.: Fine! But why did you have to trip me?
Janitor: I'll answer that question with another question: 'Cause I wanted to?
Dr. Maddox: [clears throat] Excuse me.
Janitor: Yeah?
Dr. Maddox: Do you think it would've been funny if he had broken his neck?
Janitor: [chuckles] I feel like you want me to say "no."
Dr. Maddox: What's your name?
Janitor: Oh, boy. You really are new here. [she grabs his badge] Uh-oh.
Dr. Maddox: "The Janitor."
Janitor: Howdy.