Dr. Cox: I'm willing to acknowledge there have been occasions during my tenure here when my enthusiasm...
J.D.: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Dr. Cox: Well, right now I'm apologizing to Franklyn here for breaking his favorite microscope.
J.D.: No, see you can't just drag me out of the house in the middle of the night, cry on my shoulder then pretend nothing happened.
Dr. Cox: All right. First of all, Franklyn, there was no crying. [whistles] Say it.
Franklyn: No crying.
Dr. Cox: Good boy. And you, my little precious, should give some thought to purchasing some non-bunching panties. They give you the extra support you love so much while protecting against those offensive lines underneath your scrubs.
J.D.: Oh, I get it. I'm a girl.
Dr. Cox: Franklyn, you heard it. Say it.
Franklyn: He's a girl.
Dr. Cox: Good boy.
J.D.: You can't just go around playing with people's emotions because you feel like it.
Dr. Cox: OK, Newbie, I'm now going to give you an opportunity to get out of here before I grab you by your ankles and redecorate Franklyn's lab.
Franklyn: Please go.

Elliot: Let's get back to work. But it's gonna be different this time. If we take a systematic approach, we'll maximize our efficiency.
Turk: I rented Red Dawn.
Elliot: Wolverines!

Carla: Dr. Kelso, this is Matthew Rice.
Ted: He's the proxy for his uncle's living will.
Dr. Kelso: What a happy coincidence, you showing up out of the clear blue sky.
Ted: Oh, God.
Carla: You're OK.
Matthew Rice: So, exactly how much is my uncle leaving me? Can I ask that?
Carla: Oh, no, Mr. Rice, this isn't about his assets. This is about executing his last living requests.
Matthew Rice: So no money at all?
Dr. Kelso: Not a dime, kiddo. I can't tell you how glad we are to put all this tomfoolery to rest. Once and for all.
Cup of coffee, sport?
Ted: What happened? I blacked out.

Dr. Cox: When you rolled out of bed this morning, did you actually say to yourself, "Hey! I think today would be a terrific day to commit hari-kari"? Because you realize that's what you're doing.
J.D.: I just don't think you deal with your problems the way emotionally healthy people do.
Dr. Cox: Well, hold on a second there, Rainbow. This just off the news wire: You're not licensed to comment on how people deal with their emotions.
J.D.: I beg to differ.
Dr. Cox: Well, at least I let mine go. You? If you ever were able to actually release all the tensions that are bottled up inside of you, what would that look like? How would that go?
[fantasy: J.D. headbutts Dr. Cox:]
J.D.: How you like me now, bitch?

J.D.: Maybe I just don't have anything bottled up.
Dr. Cox: And what happened to that school teacher that you were prattling on about?
J.D.: Passed away.
Dr. Cox: Croaksville. That's what I thought. And what was the first thing you did when you found out that he'd died?
J.D.: I made a joke.
Dr. Cox: Jeepers, I sure hope it was a good one. I do. Because here's the inside scoop. Life's hard enough, and there's no way in hell you can survive in a dump like this unless you find a way to get your emotions out. Fact.

J.D.: Well, I let my emotions out! I'll show you some of this! [smashes a beaker] Oh, Franklyn, I am so sorry. Wanna wear my stethoscope?

Turk: Maybe the reason why I asked you to work with me is because it would force you to see each other.
Elliot: I don't want to get back together with him.
Turk: I'm not saying get back together. You guys made a terrible couple. It's just that I like you. You know? I think you're a cool person.
Elliot: It doesn't matter what happens between me and J.D. You and I can still hang out.
Turk: No. It can't be that way, and you know it. Because that's my best friend. So, either you can try and fix it, or...
Elliot: This sucks.
Turk: Yeah.

Elliot: What are you doing?
J.D.: This is an old recommendation letter from a high school teacher of mine. He's actually the reason I got into medicine. And he died last week.
Elliot: Oh, I'm so sorry, J.D. I really am. Do you wanna be alone?
J.D.: No.
Elliot: You wanna cry a little?
J.D.: No.
Elliot: You wanna go throw stuff off the roof like Letterman used to do?

Turk: You see, it's the pudding that splatters the best, because it's the pudding, and therefore I say let the pudding pop fall!
Carla: Who is that? Arsenio?
Turk: No.

J.D.: [v.o.] I think everyone has their own way of releasing the stuff that gets bottled up inside them. I guess it just took a good friend to help me find mine.
Elliot: Dr. Dorian, we're ready for the finale.
J.D.: Thank you, Dr. Reid. OK, guys. One, two, three.
J.D.: [v.o.] It felt really good.
[later as he sweeps up:]
Janitor: The horror.